I’m still not clear enough on what’s happening with Swan to write about it here. One moment I think I understand, and the next, I’m wracked with doubts again. Give me a little more time to figure things out, and I will update you accordingly.
Swan also shared a hike with me yesterday morning. We walked out to Naugsol in search of the lot she purchased several years ago.
We walked back to Alta Vista through the valley, and I lost the trail. So we waded through the wet fields and eventually found the road I’d been seeking. It was flooded too. Some of the sights along the way:
I also heard from my current landlord. He is in the process of advertising my place for rent when I move out at the end of September and asked if I would take some photos from the back deck.
The landlord is a great guy, and I pledged to help find a renter to replace me. I feel guilty about breaking my lease. Oh, and I was surprised to learn my landlord has seen my blog. I guess it came up in a Google search while he was preparing the vacancy ad. That’s twice this week I’ve been surprised by an unknown reader!
Today is my mother’s birthday.
Facebook also carried me back to my heydays in the 80s.
Speaking of rockin’ it, the way I roll these days is on an old-fashioned bar crawl.
We paid a visit to Cheap Charlies next, then crossed the highway to Hot Zone.
Next up was a bar I very rarely visit, Lux.
The last stop of the evening was Queen Victoria. A former waitress from Snackbar is working there now, so naturally, I bought her a lady drink. An lo and behold, I looked at my watch and it was after nine p.m.! Will miracles never cease? I left after one beer.
I’ll be back to Queen Vic tonight for the SOB. Swan is supposed to join me, so I have that to look forward to. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
“Like attracts like. Just be who you are, calm and clear and bright. Automatically, as we shine who we are, asking ourselves every minute is this what I really want to do, doing it only when we answer yes, automatically that turns away those who have nothing to learn from who we are,and attracts those who do, and from whom we have to learn, as well.”
― Richard Bach
We shall see.
And you can see how wet the turf we walked was. Once your feet are wet, it doesn’t matter anymore.
Doesn’t such water contain a lot of grit that remains in your shoe after the water itself dries out? How do you deal with that? I get plenty annoyed by pebbles and dirt without having to wade through wet, muddy spots: if I’m walking to Hanam City, for example, I almost always pick up pebbles during the final 5-7K of the walk, so I have to sit on a bench and bang them out of my shoes. Muddy, gritty water would drive me insane.
Turns out, it is something called Oliarces clara, or Moth Lacewing.
So you’re not the only one with weird ideas about what moths look like.
Today is my mother’s birthday.
Happy Birthday, 사모님/Samonim! (Respectful way to say “Missus.”)
re: the Swan thing
How long ago did she lose her man? If it’s been only a couple months, I’d say she needs time and space to process—at least a year. For anyone dealing with grief, much time and space should be given. This is what bugged me about how my dad handled my mom’s death: after only two months, Dad had tossed Mom aside like garbage and found himself another lady (he married her within a year). And I know why: having no backbone or special principles of his own, Dad was at sea, desperate to latch on to the first lady to come along so he wouldn’t have to deal with coping on his own. This is why I see the needing of other people as a weakness: the healthiest relationships happen between two independent souls who meet and relate on the basis of strength, not neediness. Dad, the weakling, had actually been seeing this woman while Mom was dying of brain cancer—shit I found out later, after Mom had passed. My point is that Dad essentially “handled” his grief by avoiding it, by just hopping right onto another train because he couldn’t really cope, and the thought of being alone scared the bejesus out of him. What Swan is doing might make you feel a bit impatient, but from where I sit, she’s chosen a much healthier path than my dad did. So please give her all the space and consideration she needs as she processes what happened and where she’s going.
Do keep in mind, too, that there’s stuff about you that she’s going to need to know down the road, e.g., that you’re still legally married. I’ve talked about this before when you were chasing after different women, but it’s going to come up if things get deep, and you can’t hide it or lie about it or paper over it with an “I’m divorced in my heart.” From Swan’s point of view, that’s almost certainly not going to cut it. Just something to keep in mind for later.
On the more positive side, I have the example of my sophomore-year roommate, Travis, who was a gigolo when I knew him, flinging his DNA around wantonly and always banging an ever-changing circle of five or six girls at once. He had no respect for women despite his “yes’m, no’m” Southern upbringing, but after college, he found a woman, settled down, and had himself a family. He’s been a model husband and father ever since. Despite your own checkered track record of four marriages and many broken relationships in Korea and the Philippines, who knows? Maybe a future with Swan could end up being settled and smooth. Do what you can to understand her and where she’s coming from, and there’s a chance that things might work out. This could be your chance to hop off the samsaric wheel.
Of course… such optimism has been expressed before…
Kevin, the water and mud did deposit a sandy substance inside the shoes, which was mildly irritating. Unlike your marathons, I only had about 2K left to walk in wet footwear. My helper always cleans and dries my hiking shoes after a watery adventure.
I sincerely appreciate your advice regarding Swan and your experience-based insights on the way forward. I’ve had a similar chat with another reader who talked with me from her perspective as a Filipina widow. I was only vaguely familiar with that one year of mourning, but it is a HUGE deal in the culture here. Clearly, I’m going to need to adjust my thinking or let go. I’m not inclined to give up on someone as rare and wonderful as Swan, so I’m going to need to achieve a comfort level we can both accept. It’s been almost four months since Swan lost her man, so there is still a long way to go.
I have already had one discussion with Swan about my marital status. She was afraid my wife would cause us trouble, and I reassured her that wasn’t the case. Jee Yeun and I have been apart longer now than we were together, and she has never asserted any remaining privileges as a wife. It was her decision to leave, and I believe the hassle of processing a divorce is on her. I personally don’t care about being legally married (however, there are some financial advantages); it doesn’t change anything. I did assure Swan that unlike in the Philippines, a divorce in the USA would be quick and simple should I ever be motivated to pursue one.
Yes, I’m at a crossroads in my life (again), and I need to choose the path to follow carefully. Lots to think about as I try and determine if I’m capable of doing what is required to live the life I’ve dreamed of for so long.