That being the case, it can mean whatever anyone wants it to mean. Apparently. Let’s continue yesterday’s “love story” to its illogical conclusion, shall we?
So, I was taken aback by Jessel’s words of love, unexpected as they were. How could I have so completely misread her feelings? I stopped playing darts so I wouldn’t have to deal with her rejection. She told me she quit working at Alley Cats because I stopped coming. And now all these months later we were finally back on the same page after having acknowledged our love for one another. The only question that remained was where do we go from here?
Clearly, we had a lot to talk about if we were to set a course for a future together. I wasn’t entirely sure I knew what I wanted going forward and I had absolutely no clue about the kind of relationship Jessel desired. I was still scared about making a mistake and getting hurt again, so I was hoping for some reassurance and understanding if I wanted to take things slowly. I knew I would be making changes in my lifestyle but I needed to understand Jessel’s expectations, wants, and needs.
The obvious next step was to get together and talk about these issues. That shouldn’t be difficult for two people in love. Except it turns out that it was. My only avenue of communication with Jessel was via Messenger, but she continued to be non-responsive to many of my messages. Hours and sometimes days would go by before I received a reply on the ones she did bother to answer. Jessel explained that she is not allowed to use her phone at work, and I understand that. That doesn’t explain why I rarely heard from her during her off-hours though. It took me until Wednesday, five days after I had received her profession of love, to receive her agreement for a lunch date. And it didn’t happen. When she finally got back to me, she wanted to meet at 6:30. No, that didn’t work for me. I’d already been drinking and this meeting was too important to me to do unsober. And yeah, to have a lunch date unilaterally changed to dinner was irritating too. It took until late the next day to reschedule our lunch meeting for Friday at 1:00 at Mango’s.
I was excited about the meet-up and arrived twenty minutes early. Jessel got there twenty minutes late. Yeah, a practitioner of “Filipina time”. Good to know. It was nice to see her again–it had been a week already. We ordered our roast chicken meal, and I told her the story of love I shared here yesterday. She told me she was excited the first time she saw me. Well, it never showed. I asked some questions about her life and she responded with short answers. Later on, I thought she was sending a message on her phone, and I happened to glance down–she was playing one of those building block-type games. Ouch! I guess I’m not as interesting as I thought I am. She didn’t seem to have much else to say anyway and the vibe I was getting was that she wasn’t interested in talking about the future. Well, she did say she didn’t want me to tell anyone about “us”. I’m pretty sure that nobody she knows reads this blog, so I guess I haven’t. I couldn’t get an understandable answer as to why we couldn’t tell the world of our newfound love, but my imagination quickly came up with several possibilities. Very strange indeed.
She wasn’t interested in coming home with me or doing anything else together after lunch. She wanted to nap. And here’s the kick in the balls–when we got to the door of Mango’s she said “you go first.” She didn’t want anyone to see us leaving the restaurant together!
I didn’t hear from her at all on Saturday. This being in love thing isn’t as grand as I thought it would be. And that’s really the bottom line about it I guess. Jessel is not the woman of my fantasies. I think perhaps I over-estimated her English mastery–perhaps she seems uncommunicative because she can’t speak or write my language well. I still have no idea why she doesn’t want people to know about me, she did assure me she has no other boyfriends–here, back in the province, or online. So, I don’t know.
But what I do know is there appears to be no foundation on which to build a relationship. The things I dreamed about and imagined aren’t going to happen. Jessel doesn’t seem eager to take any initiative to move things forward, either emotionally or physically. Maybe she is just shy.
Anyway, she doesn’t appear to be the woman I fell for in my imaginary relationship. Reality is an unforgiving bitch, but as at least one commenter has noted repeatedly, I ought to know better by now. Yeah, I should. All I can say in my defense is that I don’t develop those kinds of feelings very often anymore and normally wouldn’t have the courage to act on them. In this case, I was aware that my current life is pretty damn fine even without a loving relationship. And it could be a hell of a lot worse with one.
I took those tentative steps forward, and now I’m stepping back. Perhaps love is just an illusion after all. At least I didn’t get bit in the ass.
Love hurts, love scars, love wounds
And marks, any heart
Not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts…… ooh, ooh love hurtsSome fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves I guess
They’re not foolin’ meI know it isn’t true, I know it isn’t true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts…… ooh, ooh love hurts
She sounds way too flaky and irresponsible. And she’s got a kid, right? Warning! Warning! Good thing you didn’t step into the pit full of punji sticks.
“Love” is just a word. That’s why M. Scott Peck says true love involves action. As we see in this case, the actions don’t match the word, especially if she’s ashamed to be seen with you. What the hell?
Are there any non-toxic Filipinas out there? You’ve said that Korean chicks are beautiful but cold, but I haven’t yet seen a Filipina, on your blog, who isn’t some degree of gold-digger and/or fucked in the head.
Dear John. Sorry to read that it didn’t work out for you with that lady.
On my travels there I have observed many men in relationships with local ladies and have often wondered if they are being played so to speak. So maybe it is for the best you didn’t throw caution to the wind.
That all said, I feel for you because we’re all sensitive people with so much to give.
Take care.
Kev, yeah, the kid is a red flag that I wouldn’t normally ignore. Another example of my being blinded by my infatuation. Actions do speak louder than words, and the lack of action, in this case, has also been an eye-opener.
Finding a non-toxic Filipina–the quest of a lifetime! I’m sure they exist but as you’ve said repeatedly, I’m looking in all the wrong places.
Dave, thanks for the comment and kind words.
Yes, I’ve seen that type of relationship before. I think sometimes the guy knows he’s being played but doesn’t care because he is getting what he wants out of the deal. In my more sane moments, I often consider myself lucky that I’m not in that kind of relationship.
Once again your devoted readers have gathered here to opine on your love life extravaganza. I don’t think there’s much more to add.
Incidentally,I guess that when you write posts dealing with relationships and/or politics you get more traffic to the site? Or at least more comments in this section?
Anyway,fear not. For I bring you the good news that you seek. As an avid reader of your writings , I would like to think that I have a decent understanding of this situation. 😀
All kidding aside..
Your old girlfriend Marissa is your one true love. The solution has been hiding in plain sight. She’s always with you on the hash trail, she joins your exclusive slow group on hikes , she sits next to you at the bar , she shares her meat and mead with you. She once shared a bed and a heart with you. Whatever arrangements you may have had with your current friends with benefits, she’ll top it .
She’s already at your house almost every day to visit your housemates and dogs .
If it’s a matter of proximity she’s right there . If it’s an emotional baggage situation, that’s still easier than your recent mishaps.
There you go .
Problem solved ( while creating the attendant problems that come with any relationship).
She’s probably at your house while I type this. 🤣
Thanks for your writing as usual 😀
Hopefully next time you show bravery in pursuing love you may be rewarded.
Hey, James. Thanks for the insightful comment! I don’t really track my stats (I get a weekly report) and they don’t vary much week to week. There seems to be a small but dedicated group of people who come to see what stupid thing I’ll do next. Alas, they are rarely disappointed!
I’m impressed with your take on Marissa although the premise is mistaken. She’s an ex-girlfriend and current friend. We share a love of drinking and not much else. She does the Hash with our group but is almost always far ahead of me on trail (lie everyone else). Well, she is on my payroll and does help out with some things, but it is completely platonic and will remain so. Tried the girlfriend thing for a while and failed miserably. She’s just not my type. In fact, when I get weak and consider a relationship, I remember that one and realize how much happier I am alone.
I haven’t mentioned her by name, but the friend I’m helping start the canteen is Marissa. Like most of my acts of charity, there is a selfish aspect to this one. I would love to see her succeed of course and gain financial independence outside of bar work. That would also allow me to stop paying her rent every month. Win-win!
“ come to see what stupid thing I’ll do next…” yes, this seems to be accurate
QP, glad I haven’t been a disappointment!
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