For Kevin Kim:
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned
‘This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:
“How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine
and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3!”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was so excited she began throwing off her clothes, and asked:
“What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The old saw that you should never end a sentence with a preposition is one of those long-standing grammar myths (like “Never begin a sentence with a coordinating conjunction”) that refuses to die. But it’s a good indicator of whether someone is a true grammar Nazi or not: if someone over-corrects you by quoting the sentence/preposition rule, you know right away he’s a big fake.
In a linguistics class back in the late 80s, we learned about something called “petrified expressions,” i.e., groups of words whose word order can never be changed. The classic example is “put up with,” which is why no one can or will ever say, “That is not something up with which I will put”—unless he or she is joking. In the case of a petrified expression, if the expression contains a preposition, you’ve got no choice but to keep the preposition in final position.
All that being said, the above joke doesn’t work unless we go along with the spirit of the punchline (“What was 1-2-3 for?” is actually perfectly grammatical), so I’ll say no more about that.
I remember an old joke about magic. You’ve probably heard this one before.
A sex-starved woman goes to an adult-products shop and approaches the dildo counter. She asks the guy behind the counter, “Whatchoo you got that’ll satisfy my desires?” The guy considers, then reaches under the counter and pulls out a shiny golden dildo.
“Okay,” says the guy. “This is a magic dildo. You address it by saying ‘Golden Dildo!’, then you name the body part you want stimulated.” The woman eagerly grabs the golden dildo, pays the guy, and rushes to her apartment.
Once in the apartment, she places the dildo reverently on her dresser, preps herself for pleasure, sits on her bed, and commands, “Golden Dildo! My pussy!”
The dildo begins to hum… and a moment later, it obediently rises into the air, points itself at the woman’s pussy, and begins to float slowly toward her. The humming increases.
The woman’s excitement drains away as she watchs the thing approach in a slow, menacing manner, humming ever louder as it floats, and she suddenly realizes she never asked the counter guy how to deactivate the item. After trying to shout several commands at the golden dildo, the woman throws on a robe and runs out of her apartment. The dildo eagerly follows her down the hall, intent on its mission. The woman screams, tears down the stairwell, and runs out onto the sidewalk. The dildo follows.
Seeing a patrolman on foot, the woman runs up to him, grabbing at his arm and pleading, “Officer! Officer! You’ve got to help me! I’m being chased my a magic golden dildo!”
The officer stares at her a moment, then barks, “Golden dildo, my ass!”
HaHa! No I hadn’t heard that one.
Jokes like that are something I can put up with!
Thanks for the tutorial! These days if I can just avoid misspellings I’m pleased…