I don't care what consequence it brings I have been a fool for lesser things I want you so bad I think you ought to know That I intend to hold you for the longest time
I heard this old Billy Joel song while out walking this morning, and it resonated with my current state of mind. It also gave me a title for today’s post!
This experience with Swan has been an eye-opener. Time will tell if it is destined to be a life changer. I have now come to understand that the grief that flows from losing a long-term love is something that can’t be overcome with the good intentions of a prospective new partner. It has been said that time heals a broken heart, and to the extent that is true, the amount of time required before one moves on with whatever the future holds is something unique to the individual’s suffering. Or at least 365 days.
One of my lessons learned is that in Filipino culture, the death of a lover is expected to be grieved for at least one year. Anything less than that is considered disrespectful to the deceased. Dating or beginning a new relationship is not viewed kindly in the community. There is a law here that makes re-marriage illegal if it occurs less than 301 days after the former spouse’s death. Notwithstanding the legalities and social standards, the calendar can’t control the grief process-the heart feels what it feels.
So, I’m a selfish bastard, particularly in matters of the heart. Not fully understanding the issues Swan is suffering through, I had some expectations she was unable and unwilling to accommodate. My lack of understanding and neediness only exacerbated my feelings of rejection. Then I had a long chat with an old friend and blog reader, Maria. She’s a Filipina and a widow, and she shared some perspectives regarding what Swan is going through that I had yet to consider fairly. And commenter Kevin offered similar advice that really hit home with me. I saw just how wrong my overbearing behavior with Swan had been. The bottom line is that I finally came to realize this is not about me and what I want at all. If I genuinely have feelings for Swan, my sole concern should be doing whatever I can to make her transition from grieving to living as comfortable and stress-free as possible. My wants don’t matter; I need to give her the time and space she has been almost begging for. I now consider myself lucky that my lack of patience and selfishness didn’t drive her away from me for good.
Swan’s man died in April. She intends to abide by the one-year norm for a public display of grieving. That means no overt dating or creating the appearance of being a couple in public. She seems okay with an occasional hike, provided it is just the two of us. She has expressed an interest in overseas travel as well. Thus far, there has been no physical contact beyond hugs, and she has made it clear that she is not ready to engage in sexual activities. She seems to enjoy my company (we get together for coffee every morning), laugh, and have pleasant interactions. She doesn’t like “bad words,” so I’m learning to say “fudge” instead of “fuck”. She is a good woman with a good heart, and I have yet to see any red flags or reasons to doubt the viability of a future relationship. I think she is a good fit for me and would make a great partner in life. Except I won’t get her heart for another eight months at least. Talk about the right love at the wrong time!
As of now, here is where things stand. I told Swan I am here for her whenever she wants or needs me. I won’t bother her by asking her to spend time with me, but I’ll come running if she wants company or needs to talk. One big change is that I hired her as a part-time caregiver. Yeah, she can call me “boss,” especially if and when we are out in public together. A small salary will help her out some too. She still plans to stay at the house when I move in this October, although either in the basement with the other helpers or in the guest room. The dynamics of that situation are a bit disconcerting, but it may be clearer come October. If it is too uncomfortable, I’ll assist her in moving. Swan thanked me for understanding her situation and for my willingness to step back and allow her the time and space she needs to move on. In my heart, I know this is the right thing to do.
And there you have it. Weirdest damn place I’ve ever been in my many long and varied love lives. But I’ve got to say; this does feel different in a good way. If I’m finally setting my selfishness aside and putting the needs of someone I care about ahead of my own, maybe there is hope for me yet.
In the meantime, I’ll continue my beer drinking ways. A guy I know is opening a new bar tonight and I’m going check it out. Life goes on, even while you are waiting.
Good luck as you explore the parameters of your current situation. Sometimes, life is more interesting when there are strictures to navigate. It’s like how Twitter makes some people more creative because it forces them to condense their thoughts into only a few hundred characters. On my blog, I’ve referred to that as “the paradox of freedom.” Liberty through boundaries.
Even outside of the traditional Filipino context, I’d say hopping into the sack with someone else barely three months after your loved one has died is tacky at best. So I’m entirely in Swan’s corner on this. That said, I’m glad you’re making the effort to understand her situation and accommodate her. It might mean a year of monasticism for you (welcome to my life), but I think the rewards will be worth it: you both now have the breathing room to learn more about each other, and by next April, Swan will have a better idea of whether she sees a future with you.
Please don’t be tempted to seek other female companionship while you go through this period. And yes, that includes “innocent” back rubs. Stay away from all such physicality; become a noble knight who remains true to his lady whatever the cost. That’s a tough row to hoe for someone accustomed to flitting superficially from encounter to encounter, but for this Swan thing to work, it’s a habit that, like a dragon, must be slain.
And before I bury myself too deeply in medieval metaphors, I’ll stop here and again wish you good luck. Spiritually speaking, this may be your toughest Hash yet. Over the coming months, the ladies around you might notice a fundamental change in your orientation, and they might even come to respect it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights, Kevin. “Liberty through boundaries”–I like it! I’m definitely in uncharted waters, but I am feeling optimistic. In a twisted kind of way, this is an opportunity to do things differently, and perhaps I’ll achieve a more desirable result. I’m all in!
No worries about me seeking comfort through other female companions. Despite our uncertain circumstances, I consider myself in a committed relationship with Swan. I’ve already spread the word to the gals who express any interest beyond a lady drink. And yes, that includes telling them no more backrubs–“My girlfriend wouldn’t like it.”
It is too soon to call myself a changed man, but I do feel differently and have a new attitude. I’m committed to making things work with Swan in the long term. I’m not going to do anything to fudge that up.
I hate to be a wet blanket again, but it might be prudent to carefully consider (if you haven’t already) and maybe discuss with Swan the wisdom of living with her in the very home in which she lived with her former man and no doubt made many lasting memories. It just doesn’t seem like a good recipe for recovering and moving on with someone new, even slowly. It does seem like a good way to remain in the place, make a little money, and keep the new guy at arms’s length while figuring out the future. Not that there’s necessarily anything nefarious or devious about that. But it sure is convenient. As for eventually turning a new leaf? This might be a long, slow burn indeed. At any rate, best wishes to both parties.
Drain Snake has a point. Something to talk with Swan about.
DS and Kev, yes, I will discuss that with Swan over coffee in the morning. Maria, the Filipina widow I mentioned earlier, also made the point that she thinks sharing the same house the deceased lived in would be a mistake. They only lived there a couple of years, but the place is full of pictures and other mementos of Swan’s life with him. I’ll need to make sure Swan is comfortable with my living there in her presence.