Time is a one way street. So why does the past loom so large?

You know it’s a slow day in paradise when I’m reduced to blogging about a dream. Actually though, I don’t remember the dream that woke me from my slumber last night even though I told myself to not forget it. Ah well.

What I do recall is laying in bed unable to go back to sleep and thinking about things. And one of the things I thought about was a TV show I used to enjoy called Newhart. Or to be more precise, I was thinking about the final episode of that series, which surprising aired 30 years ago this month. Man, that makes me feel old!

For you youngsters or those who’s middle of the night memory is not as strong as mine, the Newhart show starred Bob Newhart as Dick Loudon, an innkeeper in rural Vermont. Mr. Newhart had previously starred in The Bob Newhart Show as a psychologist in Chicago. The Newhart series concluded after eight seasons with the Loudon character waking up as Dr. Hartley in Chicago. Yep, everything that happened during the show in Vermont had only been a dream.

Anyway, the point of all this, to the extent I have one, is just that I got to thinking about how I would feel if I woke up back in my Korea life, and all that has happened since that time was only a bizarre dream. I guess not knowing the answer to that kept me awake for a while.

Do I miss Korea? Yes, I do. Do I long for the relative stability and comfort I used to enjoy when I was married? Sometimes, although I don’t often allow myself the luxury of thinking about that very often. And on the flip side; do I regret moving to the Philippines? No, I can’t say that I do. Am I happy here? Hmm, perhaps not as much as I thought I would be. This is not to say there is anything wrong with my life, just perhaps that it is not all that I hoped for.

That’s the rub, I suppose. Looking back on the year I spent in Anjeong-ri, I realize now that I missed a great opportunity to embrace and enjoy that experience. Instead, I was so wrapped up in what I didn’t have there and what I was looking forward to here, that I forgot to fully live the life I had. So last night was wrestling both the demons of the past and the fears of the present. I’m not sure I came to any resolution before sleep finally overcame my troubled mind. I miss what I had but I know it’s gone. And I’d miss this life now if I left it for something else. Maybe that’s just the way it works.

Speaking of the past, I came across a photo of those long-ago days when I was just a glimmer in my father’s eyes:

And now I’ll return to the lockdown reality that is my current life.

Now the night is gone,
a new day is dawning
And our homeless dreams
go back to the street
Another time or place,
another civilization
Would really make
this life feel so complete.

I’ll always be a dreamin’ man
I don’t have to understand
I know it’s alright.