Disappointed

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... Women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know, you'll know

Just one of those nights, I suppose. Or maybe one too many. I was once again disappointed to observe that the people around me were not really my friends. But mostly, I was disappointed in myself for foolishly trying to believe otherwise. I ought to be smarter than that by now.

So, I had been looking forward to attending Jerlyn’s birthday party at Alley Cats. With my ongoing darts hiatus, it has been a couple of weeks since I last visited the bar. Jerlyn had sent me a message asking me to come to her party, and I felt good about that. I baked up a batch of my brownies that the girls always seem to enjoy and also stopped by Kamto to get some chicken takeout for the party.

That’s Jerlyn on the left. This photo is a couple of years old.

I arrived at Alley, handed the food to Jerlyn, and wished her a happy birthday. She thanked me and then left to add my contribution to the food table. She was gone for a while, but when she finally came by my table, I offered her a lady drink. She curtly told me she already had one. Alrighty then.

I sat back quietly sipping my beer and observing the goings-on around me. It was Saturday evening, and so the regular dart crowd was in attendance. Billy asked if I was playing, and I told her no. Annabel asked if I would sponsor her entry fee, so I gave her the 100 pesos she needed to play. I’d been coming to Alley Cats at least a couple of times a week since moving here. People I’ve known over these past four years, with just a couple of exceptions, didn’t have a thing to say to me, not even a welcome back. Yeah, I felt like a stranger in what used to be my home bar. I did wallow in some self-pity, but mostly it was an eye-opener to realize I meant next to nothing to these people.

The birthday song was sung, the candles were blown out, the food was served buffet-style, and then the tournament began. Jerlyn never returned for the drink I had offered her, and my beer bottle was empty. I had prepared an envelope with a 1000 peso note as a birthday present for Jerlyn. Feeling peeved, I discreetly replaced that bill with a 500. Yeah, I can be a vindictive dick like that. No wonder no one likes me. I handed her the envelope, she thanked me, and I left.

Well, that didn’t go as planned. Had been looking forward to a good time with “friends” and left feeling borderline depressed. Luckily, there were other places I could go to self-medicate. I had a couple of “buy one, take one” drink coupons for Alaska Club, so I made that my next stop.

When I arrived, Karen, the waitress I had been crushing on, was at the door to greet me. I sat down at a table near the stage, and Karen brought me a San Mig Zero. Then she disappeared. That’s okay; I had already given up on her. I was interested in getting to know the dancer I had met at the SOB the week before. And sure enough, Marissa was one of the four gals on stage. I couldn’t get her attention, though, because she was busy trying to play with her phone when bar owner Jerry wasn’t looking. There was just me and one other customer, so I guess she figured doing her job wasn’t worth the effort. Her loss, because one of my coupons was for lady drinks. In a fit of pique, I called down one of the other dancers to drink with me, turning my back on Marissa forever. Silly girl.

Needless to say, my mood hadn’t improved much. I decided to try and change my luck at Outback. Bought my bartender friend Bhel a drink, exchanged greetings with the new waitress, and watched some music videos on the big screen TV over the bar. I was feeling bored after a couple of beers and decided to see what was happening up the road.

Walking past Kamto, I didn’t see anyone I knew, so I kept on going until I reached Snackbar. They weren’t busy either, but I enjoyed the “friendly” company of the waitresses. At least they put some effort into earning their drink commissions. And laughing at my bad jokes must be hard work! I guess all those beers were starting to kick in, or maybe it was pretending that these lovely young ladies actually liked me, but my mood had improved considerably. Then I got a message from my friend at Kamto expressing a desire for my presence, so I walked the one block back up the highway. Waitress Lyndell joined me (both places have the same owner, and the staff moves back and forth as needed) and even held my drunken hand as we walked. That’s sweet.

I stayed up an hour or so past my bedtime drinking with the Kamto crew and had a pleasant time. But my judgment was not impaired to the point of doing anything I might regret later, so I grabbed a trike for home.

I’m not sure why this resonated with me so much, but the thought did occur to me that it might be time for me to consider some lifestyle changes. Stay tuned.

The VFW event was all about increasing awareness of our veterans who suffer from PTSD and other service-related psychological disorders. I was surprised when I was told they were not accepting donations; that wasn’t the purpose of the gathering. Well, glad to step it up for our vets on my first ever “rucksack hike.”

We were told the trail was just under 6K and mostly flat. Sounds about my speed, and in fact, I found it to be no challenge at all. Left the VFW, went up to Alta Vista, down to Marian Hills, then back the way we came to the VFW. I walk that loop all the time, so it was pretty dull. I didn’t bother returning to the VFW, I just stayed in Alta Vista on the way back. I had that disastrous party to prepare for.

Here are a few pics:

And we are off! I guess there were 50 or so participants.
On the mean streets of Alta Vista.
An Alta Vista vista.
Leaving Alta Vista.
Heading for the hills–Marian Hills, that is.
Storm clouds on the horizon. Some rolling thunder but no rain during the hike.
Something’s burning. Something is always burning.

And that was how my Saturday went down. I’m letting go of the bad feelings, keeping a positive attitude, and recognizing that I’m in control of my life. If there are aspects I’m not satisfied with, it is on me to make any necessary changes. It’s all going to be fine.

But I’m a lover, not a fighter!

Then again, on the other hand:

The girls do seem to want what I have.
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

10 thoughts on “Disappointed

  1. That ATM cartoon seems pretty apropos. I saw a video by an old retiree in the Philippines who spoke with a Spanish accent. He talked about the whole May/September thing and what each party got out of the relationship. In the end, I found his point of view pretty superficial, but I had to admire his frankness. One of the things he said was that Filipinas don’t age very well, which is one reason to catch them young. By the time they “age up” to the point where they’ve lost their sexual charms, you’re too old to care, or probably dead. This strikes me as a pretty cynical view, and it basically comes down to “relationship = using each other.” Not growth, not mutual enrichment, just use and servitude. (I need to look for that video and give you the link. You might appreciate the guy’s perspective more than I do.)

    Nice views from the walks, as always.

    I did wallow in some self-pity, but mostly it was an eye-opener to realize I meant next to nothing to these people.

    But what do you really do to cultivate deep, substantive relationships? Everything is money, money, money. Light, flirty banter; old and recycled jokes—lather, rinse, repeat. You keep yearning for depth, but you never seem to strive for depth. Even when you’re with fellow expats, I don’t get the impression that your friendly chats are anything more than that—friendly chats. When was the last time you had a real heart-to-heart with someone—man or woman—about topics that matter? About more than just the temporary pleasures of the flesh?

    Don’t get me wrong: if you’re into worldly pleasures, there’s an argument to be made that it’s better to enjoy what life offers than to sit around meditating all day, thereby missing out on life. But in this and many other posts, you make it obvious that you’re looking for substance, not just the next orgasm.

    As you well know (or ought to know by now), finding substance will mean more than just wanting it. You need to seek it out or make it yourself, and it has to become a major priority in your life. If you’re too content in your current comfort zone, too spiritually lazy, too much a prisoner of routine and habit, then nothing is ever going to change.

    I suspect you’re actually surrounded by a lot of good people with fascinating stories to tell—each person a deep well of history. What if you began showing more than a passing interest in some of them so as to make some real friends? It would be a shame to go through life with just acquaintances, and no one you can call a spiritual brother or sister. That is true loneliness. And very sad.

  2. Kev, yeah, that money-for-love thing is about as superficial as it gets. But I’ve thought about it in terms of how relationships often work back home. If you are young, fit, and handsome, the gals want you. Here, if you are old, fat, and “rich,” the girls want you. Is that really so different? I do get the distinction you are making between real love and this shallow pretend kind that is so prevalent here. Honestly, at this stage of my life, I’d be happy to just find some honest companionship–someone who would enjoy a hike now and then, snuggle up on the couch for some Netflix, and join me for some beers. That should be a low bar, and the fact that I haven’t managed to achieve it says more about me than the women-folk, I suppose.

    And yes, I was lamenting the lack of substance in my relationships across the board–not just with bargirls. Even before I saw your comment, I thought about friendships being a two-way street and me acting like a cul-de-sac. Looking back over a lifetime, I’ve only had a handful of people I’ve allowed to get close enough for real and meaningful friendships. That might be attributable in part to introvert tendencies. Still, I acknowledge it is also from a lack of effort to do the work of really getting to know someone and sharing thoughts and feelings that are the foundation of being a true friend.

    I’ve got some work to do, and maybe the first step is to stop blaming others for my failures. If I don’t feel close to anyone, I should take a long hard look at the man in the mirror. Or just accept things as they are. One of those.

    As always, thank you for the thought-provoking comment. Lots to consider.

  3. For what it’s worth, introvert tendencies aren’t a barrier to deep relationships. I have few true friends—barely a handful—and my boss, who is a loud talker and a schmoozer who likes to be the center of attention, often jokes that I have no life. But while my friends (and now brothers) are scattered to the four winds, my relationships are deep and meaningful; distance is not a factor (or not a big one, anyway), and I feel my bonds of friendship and brotherhood keenly. For me, when it comes to relationships, life isn’t very broad, but it is deep. I apologize if that sounds like self-righteous nonsense; I’m clumsily trying to say that there’s hope when it comes to building deep relationships, but it does require work, some overlapping values (and tendencies), and years of effort. Good luck finding the depth you seek.

  4. In case it feels as if all I do is offer negativity when I comment on character, I should note that I think there’s a hell of a lot you’re doing right. Joining the Hash House Harriers and walking as assiduously as you do is absolutely respectable. Trying to help certain people in need, even when the effort doesn’t turn out well, is also admirable. Whipping up good food for various events is outstanding. Being a constant presence for “mama” deserves a shout-out. I could go on, but the point is there’s a lot you already do that is good and meaningful, so if I sounded as if I were saying your life is hollow and substance-free, that’s not what I meant at all. Your life is, as John Hammond understates the matter in the first Jurassic Park movie, “not devoid of merit.” In many ways, you’ve already been somebody’s saint, somebody’s guardian angel, somebody’s companion. Do continue in that vein even as you seek other types of meaning. We the commentariat are rooting for you!

  5. There’s another John in town, an acquaintance of yours. I believe he has a girlfriend called Mango.
    He doesn’t hike, doesn’t drink much …what’s his deal , what does he do to pass the time ? I have always wondered 🤔

    Each of your male acquaintance seems to have a girlfriend, few of those girlfriends seem to have an interest in hiking . I don’t know what your obsession is in having a Filipino girlfriend who likes walking as much as you do. You call that a low bar , but have you seen the locals ? You have encouraged each of your own exes to join you on hiking 🚶‍♂️ trips, and they all enjoyed the social aspects far more than the walking . Even when you offered to pay their hash fees, they still only joined to enjoy chatting with new friends.

    To cut to the point 👉 👈
    Why does it have to be your hobbies they share ? Why don’t you want someone with interesting hobbies that you could share 😏?
    It doesn’t seem like any of the ‘friends’ you have made in your darts/hiking/Netflix hobbies are great.

    From my reading, it appears that you’re an older gentlemen with certain political leanings. One of the few times that you forget your shyness is when you meet someone with the same political outlooks, and you could talk for hours.
    Maybe you don’t have to make a friend ,just someone to talk to on a regular basis. I have made the suggestion that you make an effort to actively make a play date with a male friend, to drink beer or play darts. Given that you’ll both be occupied with the drinking and the beautiful ladies, this will often wind up as each of you going your separate ways with a large lady drink 🍸 bill. But at least it’s a start.

    Ask yourself this . All the ladies in all the bars know you as a generous sensitive man. They know your name, where you live , even your favorite drinks 🍸 😏
    Who do they say your friend is ? Not a best friend, not a lover , but if they were to name one friend of yours , who would it be? 🤔
    You’re a great bar customer 👍 😀 a good but slow hiking buddy, an amazing consistent writer , a decent grandfather 👴 👏, now add ‘okay friend ‘ to the list and you’ll be good.

    But none of this matters much…..because I suspect you’ll be taking a vacation from your vacation soon. And pretty soon after that you’ll decide to move to another country . After all, isn’t that the whole point? You have no residency visa so that you’ll be free to live in different places whenever the mood strikes. That’s the one benefit of having such shallow connections with people, you can just leave to go to the next place.

    I wish you well.
    Cambodia is nice this time of year

  6. Thanks for the comment, Robert. It seems you know me pretty well! 🙂

    I’ve actually known the other John you mentioned since before I moved here. I used to follow his YouTube videos in preparation for my move. I don’t see much of him these days, mostly when I run into him while walking. I used to see him in the bars a lot (especially BarCelona) but not anymore. He got married to Mango just a few weeks ago. Maybe that’s all he needs these days.

    I wouldn’t call it an “obsession” to have a girlfriend who likes to hike. I get lonely and crave companionship, so the idea of having someone who wants to spend time with me sharing an adventure on trail is appealing. What’s that old saying, a joy shared is a joy doubled?

    I have some strongly held political beliefs, but I don’t enjoy engaging in politics much these days. This blog was a lot more political before it became a sad diary. I’m not intolerant of opposing viewpoints either, but there is no point in arguing since minds aren’t likely to be changed. Actually, now that I think about it, part of the problem might be that I really don’t have ANYTHING to talk about–I’m almost completely disengaged from American culture, sports, movies, etc. I enjoy walking and hanging out in bars, but not much you can say about that.

    Being an “okay friend” is a worthy goal. As to who the bargirls would name as my best friend, that’s a great question. I’m almost always alone at the bars. They would probably say, “he doesn’t have any friends.” Hey, me and you should get together for one of those nights out you suggest, you up for that?

    As to making a move, I don’t see myself doing that anytime soon. I do enjoy my Philippines life overall, and any of the negatives would likely follow me to wherever I might be. Cambodia has always been my Plan B, but something big would have to trigger that move–like when the Philippines becomes a province of China. I do plan to take a trip (probably to Cambodia) later this year to reset the clock on my tourist visa.

    Thanks again for the comment, and let me know when you want to get together for a beer or three.

  7. Kev, I don’t feel that your comments are negative. I actually really appreciate the honest feedback. That’s so rare these days.

    Thanks, though for reminding me that I’m more than a bad example. I don’t talk about it a lot, but I do make an effort to help folks out when I can. The challenge is that I can’t help them all, so picking the most worthy can be stressful.

  8. Some pretty astute comments above. Yes, it does seem like you are looking for a deeper connection that you are currently finding in the bars.

    BUT, that being the case, why do you continually try and find that connection among the ladies in the bars. Not going to happen. Layman’s definition of insanity and all that.

    I am going to repeat something I said before:

    You are looking for a unicorn. Your checklist
    Age: 20’s
    Body: Playboy quality
    Sexual knowledge: co-wrote the Kama Sutra
    Education level: University grad or above
    Language level: Fluent in English
    Fitness level: above average
    Interest in Hiking: critical
    Alcohol tolerance: can match me drink for drink, or at least allow me to drink as many as I want
    Tolerance of me: Allow me to do what I want, knowing that I will be going home with her at the end of evening
    World view: Worldly
    Conversation topics: Broad and far reaching
    etc.

    Does a woman like that exist? Yeah, there may be one or two out there in the world, but I am pretty damn sure that neither of them are working in one of the bars in Barretto.

    Priorities. What are your priorities? Sounds kind of lame, but the engineer in me says to make a spreadsheet, listing what you want in a companion and how high that particular priority ranks. Find out what is really important. You are not going to check all of the above boxes by looking where you are looking.

    Step 1
    Increase your desired age range by 20 years. If acceptable, go to step 3. If not, go to Step 2

    Step 2
    Be a “sugar daddy” and get the girl friend experience that way. Go on a Manila dating website, be brutally honest with what you are looking for.

    “Older white male looking for live in companionship. Someone interested in hiking, Netflix, cuddling, dinners out, etc. Must be between 20-30 years old. Physically fit, attractive, no kids, fluent in English. Willing to move to Baretto. Monthly stipend available to the lady I accept.”

    I would think you would get a lot of replies. 95% of them may be crap, but you should still have a few to choose from. This can work. I have met guys in Thailand in this type of relationship for a number of years. Seems to work for both of them. You just have to be upfront with expectations/requirements.

    Problem solved.
    STOP HERE

    Step 3
    I am sure that there are a lot of single or (more probably) divorced woman who are in their 40’s looking at their future and don’t like what if may hold for them as a single lady.

    Go to that same Manila dating website and set up a profile like the following

    “White male interested in meeting an educated, well spoken Fillipina. My interests include hiking, Netflix, cuddling, dinners out, in depth conversations etc. Must be between 40-50 years old. Physically fit, attractive, no kids. I am located in Baretto and the right woman should be willing to visit/live here. Lets make some memories!”

    Again, I think you will get a number of replies. You are going to have to separate the wheat from the chaff, but it can be done.

    Problem Solved
    STOP HERE

    What are your priorities?

  9. Thanks for these insights, Brian. Lots of food for thought and lots of options to think about. I occasionally glance at one of the free dating sites (Date in Asia) but had more luck with a premium service like Filipina Cupid. Of course, that was before I actually moved here. Maybe I do need to go that route again.

    But what I need to do first is really decide just what I truly want. I talk a good game, but as Kevin noted, am I really willing to put in the work to change my lifestyle, or do I just want to bitch and moan about it?

    There is actually a woman here that has made it obvious she’s interested. Pleasant personality, goes to Hash (I pay her fee), plays pool and darts, enjoys having a night out and some cold beers. Sounds perfect, right? But this is me we are talking about. I don’t find her physically attractive; she’s just not my type. But she could and would do all the things I say I want.

    Yeah, I’m the problem here. I need to fix myself first.

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