Reflections upon completing three weeks of living in the Philippines.

Well, to begin, I am not depressed. That’s kind of a big deal because on previous visits I’d start feeling overwhelmed with sadness after a week or so. To be sure there is much I’m seeing that is sad, most of which is poverty related, but I’m managing to keep the right attitude so far and I continue to believe and hope that my presence here can make a positive difference, even in a small way. Lord knows I’ve been pumping quite a bit of money into the local economy. I’m sure the San Miguel brewery folks are happy that I’m here!

Of course, not being depressed doesn’t necessarily make you happy either. I’m still a work in progress in that regard. I will say that my attitude and sense of well-being is much improved over my former life in Pyeongtaek. Of course that’s a pretty low bar on the satisfaction scale, but on balance I am content and satisfied with my life here so far. Certainly no regrets about making the move. And once I get settled into my permanent home I’m sure I’ll feel even better about things.

I’ve incorporated a stroll through my future neighborhood into my morning walk routine. That’s gonna be my house someday soon I hope. Although I STILL am not seeing any movement on the promised repairs…

But once the house is ship-shape, I’ll pays my dues and soaks up the views….

Meanwhile, I continue on with the solitary existence to which I’ve become accustomed. I’ve made my share of acquaintances here and I guess I’m another familiar face in the venues I frequent. But of course I crave for more than that. Being alone does have it’s advantages I suppose. Like ample time to think about why I’m alone. And maybe it’s a simple as being out of sync in my definitions of words like “love” and “friendship”. I know what they mean to me, but apparently the people I encounter in life define them in a completely different way. A way that lets them simply walk away without remorse whenever they grow weary of being a friend or lover. It doesn’t work that way for me and I have suffered many disappointments from having believed that those words actual mean to someone else what they mean to me.

And that’s on me of course. If you have unrealistic expectations you are bound to never have them met. It does make me wary moving forward and perhaps that comes across as disinterest to people I’m actually interested in getting to know. Anyway, my smart readers are probably thinking “gee, Captain Obvious, you just know figuring this shit out?” Why yes. Yes I am. I’m a slow learner.

But I’ve got lots of time on my hands. I’m bound to figure it out someday!

Indeed.

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

–Veronica Shoffstall