It’s not my way to love you just when no one’s looking
It’s not my way to take your hand if I’m not sure
It’s not my way to let you see what’s going on inside of me
When it’s a love you won’t be needing, you’re not freePlease stop pulling at my sleeve if you’re just playing
If you won’t take the things you make me want to give
I never cared too much for games and this one’s driving me insane
You’re not half as free to wander as you claimBut I’m easy
I’m easy
Give the word and I’ll play your game
As though that’s how it ought to be
Because I’m easy
Well, for those of you who have been following along with my adventures in love, here’s an update on yesterday’s meeting with the latest woman to trip my triggers.
I’m not going to name the woman here because I don’t want to have to password-protect the post. Let’s just call her Janey. When we arranged the rendezvous Janey had two items on her agenda to discuss–her stress and us. Turns out the stress was not induced by me, rather it all revolved around issues with her current (other?) boyfriend. Now, I’m only getting one side of the story so I take her criticisms with a certain amount of skepticism, but from what she reports the guy does seem to have some odd behaviors. Some of which might even raise some serious concerns about the man’s moral character. I’ll leave it at that for now, but it did seem apparent that Janey is in the “more I learn about this guy, the less I like him” mode. I asked some questions for clarification and to have her think through some of her feelings and fears, but otherwise did not state an opinion or interject myself in her efforts to reach conclusions about the value of the relationship.
One thing that took me aback was just how little time they have known each other. They met in November and only spent a month or so together before the guy returned home. I asked how long he has been coming to the Philippines and Janey said he’s made three trips in all, each approximately six months in length. He met her on his first trip to Subic last year. Apparently things moved fast after that. I have to say though the guy doesn’t strike me as too bright. Who in the hell buys a house in a town he has only visited once? And puts the damn thing in the name of a woman he’s spent only a month with. Rookie mistakes for sure. It might just turn out he’s going to pay a high price for his ignorance.
Don’t lead me on if there’s nowhere for you to take me
If loving you would have to be a sometime thing
I can’t put bars on my insides
My love is something I can’t hide
It still hurts when I recall the times I’ve criedBut I’m easy
I’m easy
Take my hand and pull me down
I won’t put up any fight
Because I’m easy
And so now it was time to talk about “us”. Janey essentially wanted to know if there was still an us. I reminded her that I had already said that I was taking a step back to allow her to decide the future she wanted to pursue without pressure or influence from me. I told her my feelings hadn’t changed but given the circumstances, there was nothing I could do about pursuing a relationship. She was already in one. I wanted more but considering she didn’t even want to be seen with me in public I would just have to content myself with biding my time until she made a decision. I reassured her that I would still be here for her anytime she needed me as a friend or someone to talk to.
I guess she was okay with that because we went upstairs and had amazing sex.
When we were finished I fed her some meatballs I had prepared in the crockpot. Then I put on some music. The playlist had a country sound going on and when Darius Rucker’s “Wagon Wheel” came on I gave her some twists and turns in her first experience with country swing dancing. She seemed to enjoy that.
And a bit later when Keith Carradine’s “I’m Easy” played I tried to sing along but got a little choked up. I guess it hit a bit too close to home.
When it was time to leave I accompanied Janey to the highway. She preferred to walk rather than take a trike so I said my goodbyes. No hug or kiss, of course, we were in public. It still felt weird somehow.
So, I don’t know if anything was resolved or not. At this point, I don’t feel ready to walk away but I’m prepared to go on with my life in the interim. Perhaps Janey is feeling the same way. She sent me this message this morning:
I want to be happy, I don’t want to be sad anymore… If you find something more than me just go ahead baby. I don’t want to hold you back. I love you but I want you to be happy. Life is so short.
That works for me I guess. It’s not like I have any choice. I’m easy.
Don’t do me favors, let me watch you from a distance
‘Cause when you’re near, I find it hard to keep my head
And when your eyes throw light at mine
It’s enough to change my mind
Make me leave my cautious words and ways behindThat’s why I’m easy
Ya, I’m easy
Say you want me, I’ll come running
Without taking time to think
Because I’m easy
Ya, I’m easy
Take my hand and pull me down
I won’t put up any fight
Because I’m easy
Ya, I’m easy
Give the word, I’ll play your game
As though that’s how it ought to be
Because I’m easy
Well, you can only control your own actions in this matter, and you’ve made it clear* you’re stepping back for the next little while, so it’s up to J to do what must be done. Will she have the strength to break things off with a guy that—I think you both agree—is fairly stupid?
If J is openly declaring love** for you, then breaking up with her man seems to be the only path ahead. It’s going to be difficult, given all the guy has invested in his construction project, but the guy’s own stupidity is what put him in this situation. Obviously, no one needs to consider the guy’s feelings in this matter unless there’s a danger he’s psychotic.
Question is: do you love J? If you’re not sure, then you probably won’t want to lead her on. Real love is something you’re sure about. (Remember what the Oracle said in “The Matrix”?)
Anyway, it seems clear that J needs to free herself from her current tangle before anything more can happen. She’s given you license to do what you want while you wait for her, but I’d recommend doing the noble thing and just waiting for her as opposed to fucking around on the side. My two scents, said the skunk.
———-
*Not sure whether that bout of sex afterward made things “clearer.” I suspect not. You both need to learn to control your appetites: they’re getting in the way of rationally navigating this shit show.
**Is this love, though? You’ve known J for a while, but you’ve been a couple for a very, very short time. How is this different from J’s short time with her current boyfriend? It seems that, with J, things always move very fast. That’d be a red flag for me, and I’d be thinking about whether J’s hastiness is what entrapped her other man. On the positive side, J at least sounded as if she’d be willing to let you go for the sake of love, which is the opposite of a red flag.
You’re on your own with this one, McCrarey.
I’ll hop in here and be a little more blunt than Kevin is: you’re making a huge mistake here. Better to go all the way and pay women for sex directly than put yourself through this nonsense.
Yes it sounds harsh but my god man you need a reality check. If it’s women you are looking for that are into feelings and Charles Bukowski and poetry et al then you are in the wrong country. Accept it for what it is, a pay for play place and nothing else.
Harsh words I’m sorry but ‘looking for love’ and ‘the flips’ is just bonkers.
Kev, thanks for the thoughtful and insightful comment. As usual, you make some valid points that I need to factor into my thinking.
Actually, J. threw me something of curveball last night. “If I leave [him] will you be there for me?” I honestly wasn’t sure what that meant. I mean, I’m not buying any damn houses. She clarified “If I choose you I give him up”. I was actually surprised that she was seriously considering this. But I responded that if she were free we could start a relationship and see where it takes us. No guarantees. I also said I don’t want her to leave him for me…if he isn’t right for her she should leave him for her own good.
She said she feels like she is being unfair to me and needs to decide now. She told me how happy she always is when we are together. And you know what? That scared me somehow. Which I guess goes to your point about whether I’m truly in love. I’m willing to give this a try, but damn, maybe I’m not going to want to do this long term. It is so much safer staying on the sidelines. And yes, I know I’m a coward.
So, I told J. I needed to get some sleep and we’d talk more this morning. I guess this is going to be decided one way or another sooner rather than later.
Thanks, Vaster. Sometimes a hammer upside the head is just the right tool! I’m not quite that cynical yet, but I do agree that “love” is defined a little differently here for most women. That’s why the young gals are attracted to older fucks. It’s not so much about you but more about what you can do for them. I think they are sincere about it though. You take care of them they will truly love you.