I rarely post news of the scatological, but I had a particularly shitty night.
So, I’ve had a case of the LBM (liquid bowel movement) for the past few days. It’s not that big a deal, no cramps or other side effects. When I have to go, I go. It’s just liquid. Sorta like shitting pee. Until last night that is.
I wake up at 2 a.m. and my underwear are wet. WTF? Sure enough, I had shit the bed in my sleep. Well, damn. I got up, cleaned up as best I could with no running water. Removed the soiled sheets, flipped the mattress over, re-made the bed, used the toilet just to play it safe, and then managed to get back to sleep.
Woke up at 5 o’clock and guess what? I had done it again. Even worse this time if you can imagine that. I honestly don’t get it. The LBM is no better or worse than it has been. I mean, I haven’t had the need to poop all day so it’s not like I’ve got a case of raging diarrhea.
Now on the chance that you are wondering if this might be drinking related, it wasn’t. I came home early last night after drinking less beers than I normally do. In other words, I was not intoxicated. I was about as normal as I get.
I don’t recall ever having shit my pants since I was child (other than the occasional shart). And I’m sure I never shit the bed since being potty trained.
And then twice in one night. Wow. I’m trying to recall if maybe I dreamed I had gotten up to go to the toilet, but I have no recollection of that. I just don’t get it. In the category of “it can always be worse”, one night earlier and I would have shit all over Marissa. I’m not sure our relationship could handle shit like that.
Anyway, it was a crappy start to the day. I really need to get my shit together…
I know I’m not supposed to be laughing…
I know I’m not supposed to be laughing…
I guess the practical question is whether you plan to keep your befouled mattress. If the answer is “keep,” then here you go.
I’d be laughing too if it were anyone but me…
Thanks for link. My domestic helper is off for the weekend, but I’ll put her to work on this tomorrow!
This’ll be a real test of her loyalty.
And let me take this opportunity to welcome you to the Continent of Incontinence! Plant your flag proudly!
I’ll confess that I almost shit the bed a couple years back. What happened is that I was sick and diarrhetic, and I was alternating between farts and wet shotgun-blasts of the brown stuff. I was either in bed, farting, or on the toilet, like an inverted Old Faithful, for most of that day. Farting was like playing Russian roulette, and on one occasion, I lost: I was lying on my side, trying to squeeze out a fart, but little did I know that there was a shit plug just on the inside of my anus, and when I tried to push out the fart, the plug came out first, followed by a small burst of diarrhea. I quickly squeezed my asshole shut so as not to release anything more, but the damage had been done. Because I was on my side, I managed to shit my underwear but not the bed. To get off the bed without soiling the mattress, I rolled onto my front and crawled off, Spider-Man-style, before schlepping straight to the toilet. Luckily, the bathroom was all hard, cleanable surfaces, so I was able to strip off the soiled undies and fire the rest of the diarrhea into the bog. I then hand-washed my tainted garments in warm water and bleach (germs cause the odor; bleach kills germs), then running the underpants through a standard cycle, with detergent, in my washing machine.
So you’re not exactly alone, and as for me, I’ve been paranoid ever since. You and I may have to start doing butt-Kegels exercises. Just to be sure.
I’ve had that situation of “is it a fart or LBM” on occasion and usually have guessed right. But I’ve never had a case where I pooped during my sleep. I can only surmise that the sphincter just relaxed and unbeknownst to me, let things flow as it were.
Well, I trashed the second pair of underwear. I’ll have the helper give the mattress and bathroom a good scrubbing tomorrow… tonight I’ll be sleeping in a hotel…
All joking aside, I think you’re way too young to have moved into the incontinent phase of your existence. But just in case you’re the cautious type, you might want to think about investing in a waterproof mattress cover—the kind that goes under the cloth covering. That way, if there are any further mishaps, they’ll go no deeper than the plastic, which will usually be washable, and might even be made of some sort of antibacterial material. Here in Korea, GMarket sells such covers; it’s only a matter of ordering one in the correct size.
If, by the way, more mishaps did occur, I’d surmise that the issue would have nothing to do with either age or alcohol, but could be a symptom of some other condition, in which case you’d need to be checked out.
But maybe you were just having an especially relaxing dream!
OK, I’ll leave you alone now. Heh.
Yes, I’ll keep my eyes open for a mattress cover.
I expect this was a one-off (well, two-off) event. Feeling fine otherwise. If things don’t get back on solid ground soon I’ll see a doc for the “what’s up?” conversation.
Thankfully alone, that would have been relationship defining