Or perhaps a reprise. We shall see.

Continuing on with the soap opera (or is it K-drama?) that is my love life, I *think* Pearl and I have reconciled. I had continued some sporadic message exchanges with Pearl throughout the afternoon and early evening. I was riding an emotional roller coaster, moving from “I’m better off without her” to “she’s worth fighting for” depending on the tone of her responses. In between my texting sessions, I attended a birthday gathering for the owner of Alley Cats, contributing a batch of my famous brownies to the potluck table.

After the party, I moved on to It Doesn’t Matter, where I once again enjoyed the banter and repartee with Roan. At that point, I was thinking that my old bar life was going to be my new future and I was reconciling myself to the fact that while empty, the lifestyle was relatively painless. Meanwhile, the messages with Pearl had devolved to the “I guess this is goodbye, then” stage. I sent her this as my parting words:

Given the tone of our preceding conversation, I was surprised when I received this response from her:

I miss you and I want you here with me

Now you tell me! I said goodnight to Roan and walked up the highway to visit Pearl at her place. We had the conversation we should have had from the beginning. I talked about her jealousy issues and noted the hypocrisy of her own actions, pointing out that had I taken a girl to see a live band in a bar, she would have been outraged. Perhaps even justifiably so. Certainly, my getting an innocuous message I didn’t even answer pales in comparison. She didn’t deny that but pointed out I had hurt her when I walked away from her earlier, and that she only stayed at the bar with [that guy] for a few minutes. Whatever. I told her I’m not jealous of [that guy] and if he is better for you than I am, she should go for it. Don’t settle for less than the best.

We talked about the triggering event that led us to this point–from her perspective me walking away, and from mine her not responding to multiple messages I’d sent. It really all came down to a misunderstanding and miscommunication. She explained that she had been very busy all that afternoon and for the most part didn’t even have access to her phone. I acknowledged that I was in a grumpy mood when I walked away to go to dinner. I wanted her to join me but didn’t explicitly ask her to do so leading her to misinterpret what my leaving meant. Yeah, ain’t love grand?

Anyway, we resolved to work harder on the issues this incident brought out–I’ll talk rather than walk and she will try and understand that women I know from the bars are no threat to her or our relationship. We’ll see how that works out.

I received some amazing comments on my previous post regarding this incident, and I wanted to share some of those insights and respond to some of the suggestions.

BW says: She should know u better first so she can trust u…keep trying to let her know that u never serious with anybody else

Yeah, we had a long talk last night about my interactions with bargirls. I explained that the girls work for drink commissions and I buy drinks sometimes to help them out. That doesn’t mean I want a relationship with them. I asked if she wanted to read all my messages or for me to delete all my female contacts, she said of course not and acknowledged that she has guy friends too. Hopefully, once she knows I have no intention of straying she’ll come to feel more trusting.

From Kevin Kim:

It’s unfair to expect Pearl to be the one Filipina who breaks the mold and doesn’t act Filipina. On the other hand, based on your account of the day in question, she does strike me as being oversensitive.

Yeah, my hatred of jealousy may be a little irrational too. Pearl is atypical in many ways, but yes, her thinking in terms of jealousy is true to form for Filipinas. We did have a rational discussion about trust issues so hopefully, that’s progress.

Ask your happily married friends whether their Pinay wives started off as insanely jealous people back when they were merely dating, and ask further what they, the guys, did to face down that jealousy. 

Well, I haven’t asked yet, but the guys I know in LTRs with Filipinas still have to deal with the jealousy issues. In fact, it may even worsen over time. Now, I can’t say that some of these folks haven’t done things that may warrant jealousy from their significant others…

If I thought there was hope in talking this out and figuring out how to deal with the problem together, I’d humbly advise talking, but Filipinas, especially the young ones, seem to think it’s better just to amputate and move on. Dramatic minds, dramatic solutions.

We’ll see. We did have a good face-to-face conversation on these issues last night and again this morning on messenger. Whether it will result in behavioral change remains to be seen. But I was quite taken aback when she “set me free” over what I considered a minor incident.

This goes back to the idea of looking for an older woman in a young body: ain’t gonna happen. An older woman with experience would probably be willing to act maturely—to hear you out and accept your declarations of loyalty. Young girls, not so much. But young girls are what you seem to want, so in a sense, you’ve trapped yourself in your own hell (a line I’ve said before).

But age is just a number! Actually, meeting Pearl was a matter of circumstance, not design. I actually prefer women in their mid-30s or so. But Pearl is 28 and mature for her years in ways that most Filipinas are not. For one, she lived in Japan for a number of years and I think that experience broadened her horizons. She is also demonstrating maturity in the manner she manages her business which appears to be very successful thus far. Yeah, young women are attractive, but I’m attracted to intellect as well. Getting both in one package would be a big win!

That info about her and [that guy] radically changes my evaluation of your relationship with Pearl. If she feels she can go off the reservation that easily, then she was never deeply committed to begin with. She’s just another young doe relying on her beauty to seek male attention, and to gain validation thereby. Female vanity. And again, the mark of someone young and superficial.

We talked about the [that guy] affair as well. It’s obvious that he is in full courtship mode but until that night she seemed resistant to his advances. According to her, it was a one-off, ten-minute excursion to the bar across the street from her place. I’m going to accept her claim that she has no interest in [that guy] until I have more evidence to the contrary. And as I said above, I told her if she wants to go that route she can go with my blessing. Isn’t that what love is all about–wanting your partner to find happiness?

More fundamentally, what is it that you want? To me, it seems you haven’t resolved that question, and it pops up again and again. If all you want is sex, then apparently, there’s plenty to be found, and you have no trouble finding it. If what you’re looking for is paid companionship, “care” instead of real care, then there’s plenty of that, too. But if what you really want is to find a life-companion who will be there for you when the going gets tough… I don’t know, but I think you may be in the wrong country. You need someone who deeply understands the American character—someone who knows, for example, that if you’re a little flirty with the other bar girls, this doesn’t mean your fundamental commitment to your woman has been compromised. But you’ve closed off the possibility of finding yourself a decent American woman, so again, we’re back to the idea of the self-made hell. Have you ever asked yourself why you’ve boxed yourself in this way?

HaHa! I was married to three different American women and got the same result–divorce. And yeah, I acknowledge that I was the common denominator in each of those relationships. So yes, that is the fundamental question–what is it that I want? I have this fantasy of loving someone and being loved and cared for in return. The reality of that kind of relationship is that it requires a lot of work to maintain and sustain over time. When I was forced to consider my post-Pearl options yesterday, retreating to my previous lifestyle seemed the most appealing. Yeah, it is shallow and hollow, but also pain-free. There is something to be said for that. But in the end, I decided Pearl was worth another go. I’m going to try harder to be a little less selfish and more understanding. If it still doesn’t work, at least I know I gave it my best shot.

From Brian:

I am going to look at it from her side. What is her “role models” in a foreigner/PI girl relationship? In many cases, it is probably a foreigner who comes to town, woos and dines a young lady, professes their love, and most/many times leaves them high and dry. Either by going back to their home country, vowing to return (but never doing so), or getting them pregnant (yeah, I know, it takes two to tango, but…) and then never having anything to do with them or their child again.

Well, the story of Pearl as I understand it was that she married a Japanese guy when she was 18 and moved to Japan. He was her first boyfriend. That didn’t work out for her and since that time she has had two foreigner boyfriends, both long-distance relationships. She moved back to the Philippines a couple of years ago. So, she doesn’t really have any experience with a full-time expat like me, although I’m not sure what difference that might make. As you note, it does seem like she has some preconceived notions of what guys like me are supposedly all about.

I am not sure it is a jealously thing but more of an insecurity issue. Though I suppose it can be said that they are one and the same.

Yeah, to me, jealousy is just a manifestation of emotional insecurity. The other side of the jealousy coin is fearing losing your meal ticket. in Pearl’s case, she is at least more financially secure and self-sufficient than most of the Filipinas I’ve met. Pearl has her own business (with a second location opening soon) and mama drives a new car and lives in a Subic subdivision. So, I think her motivations are pure at least.

In any relationship, it takes work, and this one can work itself out. But you HAVE TO stop looking at it from strictly a Western perspective. Easy to say and hard to do. John, I know you have a lot of multicultural experience. I do also, but I also find myself falling into the abyss of expecting relationship to play out as i think it should in the west. Cant do that.

Yeah, that’s a fair point and one I’ll have to be more cognizant of moving forward.

Also wanted to add that since you are have been in Barretto a few years and are fairly well known in town, I am guessing that Pearl made some enquiries about you.

Yeah, it is definitely a small town with small-town gossip. Pearl already mentioned that the husband of one of her girlfriends talked about seeing me hanging out in Finger Monkey. I don’t misbehave (much) in the bars, but I can imagine a scenario where two girls are giving me a back rub and how that may play out if someone told Pearl they saw girls touching me in the bar.

From Dave: [that guy] does sound like a Juan but do not not get discouraged – or even more cunt-struck – in response. Show Pearl (and her mother who I suspect is the one really pulling Pearl’s strings) just who is the boss and get a take away from Wet Spot. Still ₱5000 only L/T (with only half going to Daddy)

HaHa–well the crew at Wet Spot is amongst the best in town. Still, I’ll save that idea for the when/if this relationship effort fails. Funny side note, I’ve been wondering who mom would pick between me and [that guy]. She’s hard to read…

Alright, this post has gone on way too long and I hope it doesn’t come back and bite me in the ass. (No, I still haven’t told Pearl about the blog–yet.) Thanks again for your support and helpful comments. Let’s find out what happens next in this story.

Hash Monday today, so hopefully a respite from the drama.