Not that I have anything to worry about. It is what it is, and what will be will be. Of course, living in the moment is even easier when you drown any dissenting thoughts in copious amounts of San Mig Zero. I’ve become a master of that technique!
I brought groceries from Royal home to Shenandoah Bend for the last time yesterday morning. Everything is on for the big move on Saturday. I packed some more boxes and don’t have much furniture besides a stove, fridge, freezer, and bed to haul to the new place. I arranged for a crew with my driver to do the heavy lifting.
I am meeting with my current landlord’s representative and the new tenant tomorrow morning. I’m not worried about it, though. Over two years of wear and tear on the furniture, but no real damage to the apartment. Since I broke the lease, I don’t expect to see any of my security deposit returned anyway. I’m still glad a new tenant was found so my landlord doesn’t suffer any loss with my move.
I asked Swan to join me for dinner last night. I had a hankering for some barbeque meats at Pujon Corner. Swan declined my invitation with a curt “I don’t want to.” Alrighty then. Looks like I’m still at the bottom of her priority list. Honestly, these past couple of months have been my loneliest time since moving to the Philippines. Since I consider myself in a relationship, I can’t be with anyone else, but the one I care about doesn’t seem to want to be with me. Something will change soon, and I expect the move will resolve the questions lingering in my head. One way or the other, I am not going to continue living in no-man’s land.
When I left the house for my evening in town, I planned to visit John’s place for my solitary dinner. But halfway there, the skies opened up, and even the small umbrella I carried couldn’t keep me dry. I had a “buy one, take one” coupon in my wallet for Green Room, so I took shelter there. And wound up staying until my quitting time. That’s very unusual for me not to change my venue over the course of a night out.
One thing that made it easier to extend my stay (besides the half-price beer) was I finally put my foot down and told the girls “no” when they surrounded my table. That Rule #1 ain’t gonna enforce itself, after all! I enjoyed having some quiet time, but I also purchased one lady drink each for my two waitresses, but not until after my third beer. Now, that’s self-discipline!
During the course of my time in Green Room, I got to hang out with two different buds, Bruce and Jim. I was actually in the process of leaving (I’d already paid my tab) when Jim arrived, so I stuck around for another beer. We discussed changing our scenery, but in the end decided, why bother? I admit my discount coupon may have influenced me.
But that was yesterday, and yesterday’s gone. A pleasant group hike this morning, some pork chops are stewing in the crockpot, and a feeding for the Hideaway girls is on tap for later today. And I’m just not going to worry about the future; whatever happens, I’ll deal with it. Maybe a solitary life is my destiny.
These are golden oldies, but it’s the best I got for today:
Swan declined my invitation with a curt “I don’t want to.” Alrighty then. Looks like I’m still at the bottom of her priority list. Honestly, these past couple of months have been my loneliest time since moving to the Philippines. Since I consider myself in a relationship, I can’t be with anyone else, but the one I care about doesn’t seem to want to be with me.
Have you put the matter to her in exactly this way? She might simply lack nunchi, the hard-to-translate Korean word that means something like perceptiveness, the ability to read people. Maybe she has a tin ear and has no idea how this sort of thing affects you. Or maybe this is an opportunity for you to self-examine and ask yourself what exactly it is you want in a woman. It seems that one thing you want is for her to share a liking for the activities you participate in. “She needs to be, not just willing, but eager to do the things that I do.” From the beginning, you’ve mentioned the fact that she doesn’t like group walks. Given the frequency with which you’ve mentioned that fact, I assume it sticks in your craw a bit. So the question is: is this something you can compromise on (assuming you find other ways to connect), or is it a deal-breaker?
The bar manager saw the pic on Facebook and commented that I made the statue look better. I hope that’s worth a free beer!
Was it Rodney Dangerfield who recommended that, if you’re fat, you’re better off hanging around with even fatter people to look thinner?
We discussed changing our scenery, but in the end decided, why bother? I admit my discount coupon may have influenced me.
For an Irishman, you can be a really cheap Scotsman.
re: Bobby McFerrin
I wrote a few years ago about this, which moved me to tears. It was such a human moment, and a little indication of the great things we can potentially do together.
Here’s hoping you find some kind of human connection with Swan.
I rarely comment on your blog but I’ve been following you from the beginning and feel like I know you in the internet way. Have you seriously thought about your situation and how Swan might see you? I’ve read every post you have written and one thing that is consistent is your time at the bars. You hung out at the bars in Korea playing darts and drinking, you hang out at the bars when you go on vacation, and you hang out st the bars almost every night now. I’m no expert but 99% of women don’t like hanging at the bars once they are in a serious relationship and zero percent like their man to hang out at the bars while she stays home.
Perhaps Swan has been watching your actions while waiting to move in. You say that you consider yourself in a relationship but you still go the the bars every night and hang out with the bar girls. I’m sure Swan is not thrilled with that.
Have you seriously thought about what you want in this relationship? Are you willing to stop the bar hopping and stay home with Swan? I’m not saying that’s what she will want, but relationships are compromises and I wonder if you are prepared to give up your bar girls and bar drinking? You are excited about moving in with Swan and maybe taking the relationship to the next level, but are seriously considering getting back into the dart life. Which will mean nights of tournements and drinking and not with Swan.
I hope this doesn’t offend and please accept it in the spirit with which it is given. I don’t know you at all but I strangely care about you after reading 15 years of you life online. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Good wisdom from Motorrad.
McCrarey, I’m no relationship expert but I have been with the same yobo for 31 years so I may know a thing or two. motorrad gave some good advice. A serious and committed relationship is ALL about sacrifice and compromise. Is that easy. hell no but does anything in life worth anything come easy?
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
My wife and I have agreed to never go to bed angry at each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days.
The other day my wife said, “let’s go out and have fun tonight”! I said OK but if you get back before me, leave the light on.
Peace Out!
Soju, thanks for the laugh to start my morning!
And I get sacrifice and compromise, but that’s a two-way street. It feels like I’m sacrificing my happiness, compromising what I value, and getting nothing in return.
Motorrad, thanks for being a faithful reader of my humble blog all these years. I also very much appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and advice with me. It means a lot to me, and I value your opinions.
No question about it: Swan and I need to have a heart-to-heart about what we both desire from this relationship. I absolutely do not expect her to adapt to my lifestyle, but I do desire companionship and engaging in some shared activities we both enjoy. Yes, the bar scene has become my default lifestyle, and I do enjoy myself some beers, but I’m willing to adopt some alternatives, like drinking with Swan out on the patio a home.
I told Swan from the start about the bargirls and lady drinks. She understands how that works and didn’t express any issues with it. I’d rather be with her, but she, at least so far, hasn’t found the time or desire to be seen with me in public. If I ever take up darts again, nothing would make me happier than having her there to cheer me on when I play. And yes, I’m willing to make compromises, but I also expect her to show interest in being a part of my life. We will know how willing she is to do that soon.
Thanks again for your comment. It’s great to hear from you!
Kev, yes, I need to have a sit-down heart-to-heart with Swan to discuss our way forward. Most of our communication is on Messenger, which isn’t the best method to express emotions. Living under the same roof will definitely improve our face time, and hopefully, we will connect the dots a little better.
I’ve thought a lot about the things Swan and I might share together. And no, I don’t expect her to be eager to engage in everything I do. Yeah, having a girlfriend with me on the group hikes would be nice, but I wouldn’t enjoy it knowing she didn’t want to be there. Her compromise was to do a weekly solo walk with me, and that’s fine. Similarly, I know she isn’t into the bar scene, and I’m cool with that. Still, I’m hoping we’ll dine out once or twice a week and maybe have a couple of beers afterward. Of course, I expect we will find some new ways to spend our time together–travel is something we will enjoy sharing, I’m sure.
My dad always claimed to be Scotch-Irish. “I drink like an Irishman and respond like a Scot if you want money.” Hmm, maybe I should embrace that heritage when it comes to lady drinks.
Thanks for the Bobby McFerrin links. I don’t recall seeing the video when you posted it back then. Good stuff! (It didn’t make me cry, though.) 🙂
Swan is who she is, and there is nothing wrong with that. We will soon know if we can connect in a meaningful way that fulfills our mutual needs and desires. I’m hopeful but ready to accept it if I prove unworthy of her love.
Been a while.
I’m glad to see that you’ve remained consistent, both in your daily writing and in your dealings with the fairer sex.
If I’m getting this right, you’ve been entangled with a woman who recently lost her man, you’re moving in to live with her in that same house she shared with her departed, and you’re thinking of taking up darts again. Those are the changes.
You still go out drinking daily, go walking daily. That’s the same.
During your drinking, you enjoy talking and flirting with bargirls, and buying drinks and food for some of them, at least one of whom you’ve had sexual relations with. Since all these are transactional and largely benefit the girls, I’m certain that they’d prefer that you don’t stop these activities. Even you can see how it’ll be impossible to continue drinking in these places if you bring your lover….how would you take admiring pictures of Joy erotically enjoying the food you buy her? ( Yes, this is your cue to claim that it’s all innocent, generous and not that deep)
What impresses me the most is how myopic and self-unaware you are. Your loyal reader above, and your friend Kevin put it succinctly when they referred to this ability to read the room , and just being able to suss out a situation even as it develops.
But I take the contrarian approach. You’re nothing if not consistent. There are things that bother you about this budding relationship: the poor communication, the need for secrecy or privacy, the dearth of commonalities. I would bet my last peso that this woman would be hard-pressed to name one thing she likes about you, let alone love. You were there when she lost her man, you’re moving into the same house. She didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter.
Unfortunately, this doom that’s coming will probably cost you a bit more than the others. Being that you’re already at the sharing a house stage before you’ve even figured out if she likes you, and you still fervently hope that she’ll share any of your hobbies. The detanglement of the house with its memories, and the poor communication spells disaster ahead.
I would like to say ” Prove me wrong and make this one work because she’s the one to make you happy” . But , there are enough lies on the internet already.
As usual, thank you for the continued writing. Your consistency is remarkable. I still maintain that this should be turned into a book. Maybe Kevin can get you started on a resource to put this together.
Keep on keeping on
I agree with the comments posted so far, but your situation is no longer a recipe for disaster because the pot is already boiling over and, unfortunately, I don’t see this ending well for you.
I am just curious what it is you and Swan have in common? I ask because it’s clear to me she doesn’t want to hang out in bars all the time nor take hikes, and you haven’t mentioned much about her (or if you have mentioned what her interests are, they’ve slipped my mind).
As it stands, it seems you are wanting regular sex from her, would like her to join you at the bars which would be awkward beyond belief as Jimbo mentioned, and want her to join you once a week on a walk/hike. I am just not sure what she actually wants besides the obvious: someone paying for her to live in the house she shared with her previous lover.
Good luck nonetheless; it seems you’ll be needing it.
While I do wish you and Swan the best, if I were in your shoes I would soberly ask myself:
Would she be interested in me at all if I weren’t about to: (1) move into, and start paying the rent for, the very house she already lives in and shared for years with her recently departed lover; and (2) start paying her to be my domestic helper?
And under these circumstances could I ever really be confident that she’s into me anyway?
Could I handle frustration for long, especially while imbibing gratuitously?
Maybe something genuine will grow and blossom. Maybe she’ll, ahem, hold out until she feels eviction is imminent or she finds an alternative arrangement. Maybe it would be best to just be friends and domestic companions while pursuing transactional liaisons elsewhere. Or maybe it would just be best to fish in a different river.
Your life. Your pera. Your choice. Best made while sober.
Cheers!
Nice to hear from you again, Drain. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have any doubts, but still, I’m willing to take the next step and see what happens. If it turns out to be as you and others predict, I can’t say I wasn’t warned. I guess in the worst-case scenario, I can always go back to the empty life I’m living now. Hell, maybe I’ll come to accept and appreciate it.
Tomorrow is move-in day. I’ll know soon enough.
Penetraila, There’s a lot of unknowns, I admit. Swan keeps telling me it will be different once I move in, and now that time has arrived, so I guess we are going to find out. I do enjoy Swan’s company, and if she is truly willing, I know we can find things of mutual interest to share. If it doesn’t work out, at least I tried.
Jimbo, welp, I gotta say I’m impressed with your insights. I kept wondering as I read your comment, do I know this guy? I know my life is an open book (I post my diary entry every day), but still, you have a pretty accurate grasp on where things stand with me, and I have to admit your words resonated with me.
Let me just say that my bargirl relationships are all innocent, generous, and not that deep. 🙂 But seriously, I don’t expect Swan or anyone else to hang out with me in bars seven days a week. I fully expect I’ll be making significant lifestyle changes in the days ahead, and I’m fine with that. Still, I would love to have my love at my side on the nights I do go out, and I see no problem at all with introducing her to the girls I consider bar friends, including Joy.
And yes, I’m aware that self-awareness isn’t my strong point. That’s why I really appreciate the insights offered in comments like yours. Even if it appears I ignore the advice I’m offered; I do listen and try to incorporate the ideas into my thinking. I don’t always succeed in making changes, but I am trying.
If disaster lies ahead, I’ll deal with it. I’m going in, eyes wide open, and I will do my best to make this work. If it doesn’t, at least I tried. My old life will be waiting with open arms should that be the road I wind up taking.
You know, I’ve thought about making a book out of the best of Long Time Gone (heh, that would be a thin book, indeed!). I doubt anyone would read it other than maybe my grandkids wondering what that crazy guy who moved to Asia was all about. We’ll see.
Thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts with me, Jimbo.
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