Maybe I should ask that after your first fight-and-forgiveness session. A fight will test the fundamental strength of the relationship.
The prescient Kevin Kim
Odd how fast things can go south. When I left Pearl in Subic yesterday morning, things were fine. Or so I presumed. I knew she had a busy day ahead of her, including an important meeting regarding the licensing of her business. I sent her a good luck message and expected I would hear back when it was over. When I didn’t hear from her, I sent another message. Still no response. Hmm. So, I went out for some beers while I waited to hear from her. Several beers later and still no answer, so I hiked over to her food place.
There she was, sitting with a customer. She brought me a beer and acted like nothing was wrong. According to her, I’m the one who should have come to her place earlier. She told me that she had girlfriends visiting the food place from Manila and didn’t have time to be checking her phone. Okay, if you say so. Pearl asked if I had eaten and I told her I hadn’t. She hadn’t either but again noted she had company. Yeah, I understand. I finished my beer, paid my bill, and told her I was going to go have dinner. I went across the street to The Pub and had some excellent chicken enchiladas, then went home to bed.
This morning she sent me this:
Pearl was still upset that a bargirl friend had sent me a message. I didn’t respond to the message, she just saw it on my computer. It was something incriminating like “good night, sleep well”. We had actually talked about that at the time and I thought she understood that girl meant nothing to me. Apparently not. My other crime was “walking away” from her last night. I was taken aback by that one. I told her I was going to eat and she indicated she couldn’t leave. So, what did I do wrong by leaving?
Anyway, Pearl said that she was very upset when I left. Later on, [that guy] came back to the bar and asked her to join him at another bar to watch a live band and she went. That seems like oddly convenient timing to me, but whatever. I’m really not the jealous type, but I admit that bothered me. Pearl had shown me his flirty messages but claimed to have no interest. Now, if I had gone out with one of the girls I know, that would have been the crime of the century in Pearl’s eyes
Although, it appears that is what is happening anyway.
I am sorry my fault but I am setting you free
I’m still processing all this and will likely have more to say later. In many ways, Pearl is the best woman I’ve met in a long time. But her jealousy issues are borderline insane. I dealt with that craziness in my last marriage and I have no interest in living through that kind of drama again. Is it possible Pearl could learn to trust me? Are there things I could do to reassure her, like let her have access to read all my messages? I don’t have anything to hide, but that kind of invasion of privacy really rankles me.
Do I give up or is she worth fighting for? I’m honestly undecided at this point. I won’t lie though, being dumped in this manner hurt me in ways I never thought I’d allow myself to be hurt again.
Immaturity…She should know u better first so she can trust u…keep trying to let her know that u never serious with anybody else…u still on the process of getting to know each other…holding on to ur intention with her is the only way to keep that relationship going.
Pinays and their jealousy issues have been a constant theme on this blog for years. So on the one hand, you knew this going in unless, like Charlie Brown charging that football, you’ve decided to hope against hope that this time will be different.
It’s unfair to expect Pearl to be the one Filipina who breaks the mold and doesn’t act Filipina. On the other hand, based on your account of the day in question, she does strike me as being oversensitive.
Does that make her unstable? Again, based on what you’ve written about other Filipinas, she sounds pretty par-for-the-course for her kind. If these girls have heads filled with trashy K-dramas, then that goes a long way to explaining their jealousy issues. And there may be a cultural component as well. Ask your happily married friends whether their Pinay wives started off as insanely jealous people back when they were merely dating, and ask further what they, the guys, did to face down that jealousy. Maybe there’s an answer there.
So she’s “setting you free,” eh? I’m getting this image of cattle no longer fenced in. Maybe that’s the situation from her point of view: she expects her man to operate only within certain confines if he’s truly to be her man. I don’t know. I don’t understand women, and I’m totally lost when it comes specifically to Filipina women.
If I thought there was hope in talking this out and figuring out how to deal with the problem together, I’d humbly advise talking, but Filipinas, especially the young ones, seem to think it’s better just to amputate and move on. Dramatic minds, dramatic solutions.
This goes back to the idea of looking for an older woman in a young body: ain’t gonna happen. An older woman with experience would probably be willing to act maturely—to hear you out and accept your declarations of loyalty. Young girls, not so much. But young girls are what you seem to want, so in a sense, you’ve trapped yourself in your own hell (a line I’ve said before).
Upon rereading your post, though, I see another issue, which you yourself brought up: if Pearl is accepting flirty messages from a guy she then goes out with, she’s being a hypocrite. “Good night, sleep well” might contain a subtle level of flirtatiousness, but it sounds as though this guy was being more overtly flirtatious (was he?). And the result was that Pearl went out with him, permitting herself to do so after your perceived slight. This means, to me, that your relationship with her was never very deep to begin if because, as we see, she’s still man-shopping. That info about her and [this guy] radically changes my evaluation of your relationship with Pearl. If she feels she can go off the reservation that easily, then she was never deeply committed to begin with. She’s just another young doe relying on her beauty to seek male attention, and to gain validation thereby. Female vanity. And again, the mark of someone young and superficial.
That being said, you’ve still trapped yourself in your own hell since you keep coming back to the young ladies. Are maturer women just too leathery and saggy for you? If I were you, I’d learn my lesson and find someone of a more mature bent instead of allowing myself to be seduced, over and over, by the young, superficial, and mercurial.
More fundamentally, what is it that you want? To me, it seems you haven’t resolved that question, and it pops up again and again. If all you want is sex, then apparently, there’s plenty to be found, and you have no trouble finding it. If what you’re looking for is paid companionship, “care” instead of real care, then there’s plenty of that, too. But if what you really want is to find a life-companion who will be there for you when the going gets tough… I don’t know, but I think you may be in the wrong country. You need someone who deeply understands the American character—someone who knows, for example, that if you’re a little flirty with the other bar girls, this doesn’t mean your fundamental commitment to your woman has been compromised. But you’ve closed off the possibility of finding yourself a decent American woman, so again, we’re back to the idea of the self-made hell. Have you ever asked yourself why you’ve boxed yourself in this way?
Anyway, maybe find a stable non-Filipina girl somewhere. Heh.
Theorizing and moralizing aside, I’m sorry to hear you got blindsided. Down a stiffer-than-usual beer and have a sulk with a good movie. Tomorrow is another day.
I am going to look at it from her side. What is her “role models” in a foreigner/PI girl relationship? In many cases, it is probably a foreigner who comes to town, woos and dines a young lady, professes their love, and most/many times leaves them high and dry. Either by going back to their home country, vowing to return (but never doing so), or getting them pregnant (yeah, I know, it takes two to tango, but…) and then never having anything to do with them or their child again.
So (and I am making some suppositions here), from her perspective, she probably expects the same to happen to her. You have to understand that in entering the relationship, her wants and needs are quite a bit different from yours. Love is probably not the first thing; maybe her first priority is security, maybe it is comfort, etc. Not saying that she can’t or won’t fall in love, but the relationship dynamic is just very different from what you expect.
Seeing a text from a bar girl, no matter how innocent the message was, just reinforces her thoughts of what a foreigner really wants out of a relationship with a PI girl.
I am not sure it is a jealously thing but more of an insecurity issue. Though I suppose it can be said that they are one and the same.
You are looking at the relationship dynamic from a western viewpoint and think that some of the things she does are just strange/make no sense/irrantional, etc.
She it doing the same from her perspective and based on her “role models” and experiences/stories from what she has seen.
Foreigner/local girl relationships CAN work, but of the ones that do, the local girls usually have experience in western culture (school/worked overseas/work for a western company, etc), OR both sides have to “reset” their ideas of what makes a relationship and be able to flex a bit. Not easy.
Talk to her – “Pearl, we are from different cultures and have different perspectives on relationships. Let me explain why I felt this way about yesterday. Etc etc Why were you upset?” And so forth.
In any relationship, it takes work, and this one can work itself out. But you HAVE TO stop looking at it from strictly a Western perspective. Easy to say and hard to do. John, I know you have a lot of multicultural experience. I do also, but I also find myself falling into the abyss of expecting relationship to play out as i think it should in the west. Cant do that.
Anyway, the best perspective/insight that I have read on a foreigner/local girl relationship is a fiction book called “Private Dancer” by Steven Leather. Story of a relationship between a Thai bar girl and a British expat. Worth a read. Used to be a free download. Check it out if you get a chance. Quite a depressing book so dont read if you are trying to cheer yourself up. LOL
Also wanted to add that since you are have been in Barretto a few years and are fairly well known in town, I am guessing that Pearl made some enquiries about you.
Do you know John?
What is he like?
Has he dated other ladies in town?
What is his reputation?
Well, he is a really nice guy. Helps widows and orphans. I have never seen him out late. But, he is in the bars alot. He has XXX over for a “massage” frequently. Before then, I would see him with QQQ, YYY and ZZZ. AAA used to come over for some reason, not sure why. wink wink
If the shoe was on the other foot and the above was the description of Pearl, what would you think of her as relationship material?
“This means, to me, that your relationship with her was never very deep to begin if because, as we see, she’s still man-shopping.”
Sorry—”begin WITH.”
Dear John,
Interesting developments with Pearl.
[that guy] does sound like a Juan but do not not get discouraged – or even more cunt-struck – in response. Show Pearl (and her mother who I suspect is the one really pulling Pearl’s strings) just who is the boss and get a take away from Wet Spot. Still ₱5000 only L/T (with only half going to Daddy).
Hanukkah Sameach!
When dealing with a woman you must learn to say ” I was wrong , I’m sorry”. Does not matter for what or if it’s true , it’s what they expect.
Wow! Lots of good insights and suggestions here and they are much appreciated. I’m going to incorporate my response to these ideas in an update post later this morning. BLUF: I continued messaging Pearl through the evening and was at the point of giving up on her. When I sent my final goodbye and good luck, she responded with, “I miss you and want you here with me.”
So, I left the bar where I was drinking my blues away and headed over to Pearl’s food place. We had the talk we should have had in the first place and I’m hopeful we have both learned from this experience. I didn’t invite her home with me, it seemed too soon somehow. Is everything fixed? That remains to be seen, but perhaps we understand each other better now at least.
More to come on the blog. I do appreciate all the helpful advice which will serve me well regardless of what the future with Pearl may bring. Thanks again!