Let her go

In the beginning.  New Year’s Eve 2016.

I’ve written about my caregiver Loraine here before, I guess most recently in a post called “Paying it Forward”. A woman I truly admire and respect.

Unfortunately, I had to let her go.

When I first employed Loraine I made it clear that I was never going to love again.  If she was looking for love she needed to keep on looking.  She told me that her family was all the love she needed and she wanted the job.  And so I prepared a formal employment contract and the deal was done.

Frankly, it was wonderful having her as my tour guide and caregiver on my recent journeys to the PI.  I paid to send her to massage therapy school and she is currently enrolled in a caregiver certification course.  She seems to be doing well with her studies and is happy for the opportunity.  And I was looking forward to a future where I could benefit from that training.

When I’m not in the Philippines Loraine has provided care and comfort by keeping track of my blood pressure readings, sending me health tips she finds on the internet, greeting me in the morning and sending me messages during the day and evening to let me know someone is this great big world was thinking of me.

And then earlier this month on our visit to Boracay (a trip I made specifically to celebrate her birthday) she kept getting text messages from a guy in the UK named Kev.  She insisted there were just chat friends, but I suspected otherwise.

And sure enough, I noted that my contact with Loraine had diminished quite a bit.  I suspected something was going on, and those suspicions were confirmed when I discovered her “chat buddy” was in the Philippines to visit her.

Loraine told me that she needed love in her life and I could never give her that.  She wanted to take the opportunity to explore those feelings with Kev.  And then she proceeded to accuse me of having sexual relations with many women in Korea.  Ha! In my dreams!  Regular readers know just how empty and pathetic my life here is.

Well, her actions as described above violated the terms of her employment contract, although to be fair, seeing another man was not specifically included, but it was implied.  So, I had no choice but to terminate her employment.

And I’ll be damned.  Making that decision was very painful.  It made me face the fact that despite all my brave talk, I did in fact really care for her on an emotional level.  I had taken much comfort in thinking I would have her with me when I make my big move to the PI next year.  The prospect of losing her hurt me in the same way that losing a love does.  I don’t know how that can be when you have vowed to never love again, but there it was hitting me square between the eyes.  Whatever you call it, being emotionally attached to someone makes you vulnerable and subject to heartbreak.  I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and face that fact.

So, I had a long talk with Loraine to let her know how I felt.  And then I fired her.

In other news, I have a new girlfriend.  Her name is Loraine.

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

5 thoughts on “Let her go

  1. I like the way you write, John and I think you lead a very interesting life.
    My wife is over there right now visiting the kids and she mentioned that around their neighborhood, there’s nothing but a 7-11 and a few restaurants; when we lived in Songtan, everything was a short walk away…the open market, tons of restaurants, stores, Osan air base etc…

  2. Frank, Not a lot here in the village, but at least I live smack dab in the middle. A lot the housing areas outside the ville, although convenient to base, have nothing in the neighborhood. Really though, Pyeongtaek city is only 20 minutes away, so it’s not so bad…

  3. Humans are, by nature, social animals. It is difficult NOT to form emotional attachments to others.

    Good luck John. Things will get better!!

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