Grocery shopping. Which is not something I would normally do on Saturday. I don’t like to hassle with Itaewon weekend traffic. But apparently at some point on Friday night I agreed to have some friends over for dinner. Which required the unscheduled trip to the commissary.

Actually, traffic wasn’t too bad. But the commissary was packed. The checkout line wrapped almost all the way down the frozen foods section (they use a one line queue system, get to the front of the line and get the next available cashier, which is good because it takes the guesswork out of which lane will move the fastest). It seemed as if everyone with a ration card had decided to do their Thanksgiving grocery shopping at the precise time I made my appearance. So it was pretty much playing shopping cart bumper cars, but what are you gonna do?

You know, Kevin at Hairy Chasms often does photo shoots of some of the delicacies he concocts in his spartan kitchen. The man can definitely cook. As can most of his friends, given the frequency of links to other blogging chefs. I freely admit that I lack all but the most rudimentary culinary skills. It just doesn’t seem fair. No, I don’t mind that I can’t cook. But damn it, I’m trying hard to post something everyday and it just doesn’t seem right that a whole potential category of blogging is denied me. So the hell with that. For your entertainment I offer a photographic record of last night’s adventure in the kitchen. Perhaps you will find beauty in the simplicity of my endeavor. Or not.

My bounty from the commissary.

The ingredients for my dinner party meal.

The appetizers.

The salad.

The side dishes.

The bread.

The meat.

The dessert.

The wine.

Ok, now it is time to get down to business and whip these raw materials into a meal. Pay close attention and perhaps one day you too will be able to experience the miracle of no talent meal preparation.

Pie out of box and onto cookie sheet. Not as simple as it may appear. First I had to consult the internet to discover that 375F equates to 190.56C. With this information in hand I was able to correctly preheat the oven.

Pie is in the oven. You know, situational awareness is the key to success in my kitchen. For example, the pie takes over an hour to bake and then has to cool for two hours. Timing baby. It’s all about timing!

Ok, let’s make a salad. First thing to do is boil them eggs.

Lettuce into bowl. The tricky part here was pouring from the bag while taking the photo with my left hand. It was a struggle, but it worked out.

Cucumber skinned and sliced.

A few carrot slivers or shavings or scrapings (I think learning the cooking lingo is the first step to making people believe you can cook).

Here’s a tip: It ain’t a salad without tomato. You may also be interested to know that the Korean word for tomato is: TOH MAW TOH.

Ok, it is best to let the eggs cool before you attempt to slice them. The yolk was all over the place. Heh, the YOLK was on me! Sorry.

You know, grated cheese is one of those magic ingredients that goes with almost everything. At least almost everything I prepare.

So you put it all together and you shake it all about (have the lid on tight!) and that my friends is a tossed salad. Not real pretty to look at, but tasty. Dressing selections were limited to Italian and blue cheese as I discovered that my thousand island and poppy seed bottles were out of date. I’m a strict adherent to the “use by” date on the label. I think that’s part of being a good citizen. Like not removing the tags from your mattress. Rules are what bind the fabric of society together. Here is where to buy an adjustable bed easily. But you know that already, right?

Did you know that 38% of all accidents in the kitchen are caused by fatigue? You didn’t? Well, then prove that I am wrong! I was exhausted after tossing that salad around, so I took a break for a smoke and coke. And carefully considered my next steps. Planning, people. A good plan will get you where you want to go. A bad plan is defined as a good plan that didn’t work out. Got that?

Ok, back to work. Time to prepare the beef. Yes sir, those are rib eyes. USDA choice cuts. I say if you are going to ruin meat, only the best will do. You know, I bought that cookie sheet when I first moved in only to discover that it is too large for my oven (see the good/bad plan definition above). Well, it is perfect for marinating, so the good plan that went bad worked out good in the end. I think that pretty much sums up the way I’ve lived my life come to think of it.

Another tedious step in the preparation process. Pouring a liquid while holding a camera can be perilous, but using the hand-eye coordination I’ve developed as a darter really paid off and I successfully completed this task.

Pie out of the oven…

…potatoes in. I’ll tell you, sometimes cooking can be like a well-choreographed ballet. Oh yeah, use oven mitts.

Now it is finally time to fire up the grill and cook that sausage. Has anyone been to South of the Border? As Pedro says, you never sausage a place.

The appetizers are ready for consumption. Now comes the hard part.

The garlic bread is ready and waiting to go into the oven currently occupied by the potatoes. The cobbed corn is in the microwave…

…and the steaks are on the grill!

Uh oh! I’m having a little trouble controlling my fire. One of the guests requested well done and damn at this rate it’s gonna be blackened ribeyes for all!

Well, overcooked but edible. The guests were hungry and respectfully requested that I put down the frickin’ camera and let them eat. As a good host I complied with those wishes. And after two bottles of wine and full stomachs everyone decided it was time to hit the Itaewon bars.

And so we did.