…is that the question?
Commenter Brian shared these thoughts on a recent post:
Random thoughts that somewhat tie in to her giving you the cold shoulder. I may have said this previously in response to an earlier post of yours, but there definitely is a double standard with the number of girls a guy is with vs. the number of guys a girl is with and thoughts thereof.
Although you probably don’t see yourself this way, I bet that most of the girls you come in contact with in your little burg see you as a player. One girl one night, a different one the next week, etc. As you mentioned, in a small town, everyone knows your business. With that type of reputation, most/all ladies will hesitate to get to know you on anything other than a superficial level
My initial reaction was that visiting different bars and buying your favorite girls a lady drink, then leaving alone, doesn’t really qualify as being a player. I think that paying for company or sex is kind of the opposite of being a player. I see a player as someone who strings more than one woman along emotionally, making promises he doesn’t mean to keep and ultimately breaking hearts. Of course, women can be players, too, and I’d wager there are more female players in this town than there are men making a game of romance.
On the other hand, how you are perceived often overrides whatever the truth might be. That seems to be Brian’s primary point: if the women in my town see me as a player, whether I am or not, they will treat me as someone who can’t be trusted with their heart. That seems to indeed be the case with Nerissa.
I went to see Nerissa in Cheap Charlies last night and wasn’t sure what to expect, seeing as how she had unfriended and blocked me on Facebook without a word. She didn’t decline when I invited her to join me for a drink, so that was a start. However, she ordered a double lady drink, something she hadn’t tried before. Given the circumstances, I didn’t object. I also told the other girls milling about that I wanted one on one time with Nerissa. And then I asked her why she had blocked me.
“Because I saw you at BarCelona with another girl,” she responded. That’s what I expected the issue was, but it still didn’t make much sense to me. I’ve had one date with Nerissa: nothing physical, no promises, no commitments. I pointed out that she hadn’t responded when I had asked her when her next day off would be, intending to take her out for dinner. Nerissa said she hadn’t answered because she didn’t know when she’d be off yet. Fine, why didn’t you say that? I told her that her non-responsiveness led me to believe she wasn’t interested in dating me. Nerissa asked me why I hadn’t told her I was seeing someone else, and I truthfully responded that I didn’t feel that I had a relationship with her or any obligation to do so. I told her that if I were trying to hide that I was meeting someone, I wouldn’t have chosen to sit on the rooftop at BarCelona in full view of everyone sitting in Cheap Charlies. I asked her why she hadn’t raised her concerns with me directly instead of just blocking me without explanation. She acted like it was no big deal to be blocked and explained that she didn’t want to see posts of me with another girl.
And that’s pretty much where we left it. I had three drinks; she had two (doubles). I paid my tab and left. I guess my feeling is I’m glad I found out how she is sooner rather than later. If she got that jealous before we were even in a relationship, I can only imagine the nightmare she would likely be as a jealous girlfriend. And perhaps she feels the same–happy to learn I’m such a “player” early on. And so it goes.
After my departure, I headed up the highway to John’s place for some grub.
I also ordered some Korean-style chicken wings to surprise the Hideaway girls.
I only had one drink at Hideaway, knowing I’d be back today for the regular Wednesday feeding. I finished my evening at The Green Room with two more drinks, then caught a trike back home.
More and more, I’m thinking I’m better off going through life alone. Who needs all the drama?
I guess the jealousy thing can cut both ways. If you’re committed to your lady, and she’s the jealous type, then you’re set because you’ll never do anything to hurt her, and her jealousy is one aspect of her commitment to you. If, on the other hand, you think that being in a relationship means that you can keep your “roving eye,” then yes, her jealousy is going to be a big problem for you (and if you’ve still got a roving eye, then you’re not really committed, are you?). Of course, if her jealousy is of the pathological variety, where she’s keeping you on a tight leash because of hypothetical/imagined competition, well, that’s what Dane Cook calls a “relation-shit.” Escape as quickly as you can.
Well, I’m talking about the pathological variety. Jee Yeun was insanely jealous, and I never gave her any cause (never cheated, never even looked). Once she got into my computer and found photos from my tourist trips to the Philippines (this was before we met) and she hated all Filipinas after that. I stuck around despite the insanity, which I guess is a good indication of how much I truly loved her. I never want to experience that “relation shit” again.
Don’t fret about the nayesayers. At this stage of your life you don’t know for sure how much time you have. Enjoy yourself.
Thanks, Terry. That thought has occurred to me as well. I could wake up dead tomorrow, so I need to make the best of today.
I Hope you do t wake up dead; we aren’t ready for a zombie apocalypse. But it seems you should enjoy yourself. Not likely you are going to new “the one” so enjoy the ride when it is available.
QP, yep, more and more, I’m accepting that this is what the endgame is going to be for me. It ain’t what I dreamed of, but it ain’t bad either.
Maybe you should flat-out ask the ladies in your life if they see you as a player. Get a few drinks in them first to loosen their tongues.
The heart is deceitful above all things…that’s what the book says anyways. 🤷🏻 What people feel and what they really want can be two different things. People get jealous, and it’s not even because they want a relationship…it’s all very strange. And I think the Philippines might be an exceptional case of confusion, when it comes to all those relational dynamics…ihonestly I’m more confused about women now than I was before I got there…lol! But there is something to be said about the honesty of a a simple payment for a service.
Josj, you might be right. There is certainly a weird emotional dynamic with Filipinas. They are also notorious for that jealousy gene that seems universal.
Yes, the honest and simple pay-as-you-go method is one option. A guy told me once that he doesn’t pay for sex; he pays for the girl to leave in the morning. It’s strange, though, because I don’t enjoy straight-up transactional relations. Yeah, I know to a certain extent, they all are, but I like a gal who can pretend it’s not all about the money.