I guess the only thing of interest going on other than my normal walkaholic/alcoholic life would be my budding relationship/romance with a married woman I call “Judy”.
Just a quick recap: I first met Judy several months ago. I had an immediate physical attraction to her and over the course of several in-passing conversations I became enamored with her wit and humor. And that’s all there was to it because I knew she was married and unavailable. Until the day Judy came to visit my helper and told me she wanted to have a talk with me. Turns out, she shared my feelings of attraction and also the understanding that it was an impossible situation. She was having problems with her husband but would not break her wedding vows or her religious convictions to be with another man. Obviously, I had no cause or desire to object to that. One of the issues she was having with her spouse was his refusal to have any involvement with her adult children, including financial support. Her daughter needed some money to continue her college education online and I agreed to help. Judy was of course very grateful, but otherwise that was that.
Until the day she came back to my house and tearfully revealed to me and my helper that her husband had told her he would be leaving her by the end of the year and moving to another country. Judy seemed devastated by the news despite the fact that her husband appears to be a selfish asshole. My advice was circumspect, basically just telling her to look to the future, not the past. That it seemed to me her husband had given her a wonderful gift of freedom to pursue whatever life she desired. We also connected on Messenger and have been chatting frequently ever since.
One of the things we have talked about was how we both wished we had met six years ago. Judy says I am the man she always dreamed of and she would have been much happier with me than her husband. I admitted that I had also considered how my life would have been different if I had moved to the Philippines in 2010 instead of taking the detour of marrying Jee Yeun, I also said that perhaps the fates would provide us our chance to be together sometime in the future. Judy has hinted about having a secret rendevouz but I told her as long as her husband is around it is not worth taking a chance. If he is really going to leave the country in a couple of months it is better for us both to wait. Judy was accepting of taking that approach.
Since that time her messages are full of how much she misses me, wishes she could see me, dreams about me, and on and on. The other day she even invoked the “love” word. Alright, I admit that kind of talk makes me more than a little nervous. It’s too soon for one thing. If and when the time comes when Judy and I can pursue a proper relationship we can discover together how compatible we truly might be as a couple. I mean, we’ve never even kissed. I’ve told her she needs to slow down and take things one day at a time and we will see what the future has in store for us. It doesn’t seem to be working though.
I’ve also got a problem with being someone’s rebound option. I don’t want Judy to think that once her hubby is gone I’ll be there to pick up the pieces. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But if we are together it will be because it is the right love at the right time. I’m not a safety net or the next best thing. Given what I know about her husband (admittedly only what she has told me) I’m reasonably sure she would be trading up, as unlikely as that may seem given my own sordid history. Again, who knows and we won’t know until such time as we spend time together and find out. That’s just not possible right now so I need her to focus on the present, not some dreamed of future with me that may never happen anyway.
Another thing that is on my mind is that going into a new relationship immediately may not be in Judy’s own best interests. She told me in one conversation that her parents still live in her province on another island and that she owns land there. Her dream has been to develop the property and live there one day. Judy’s current husband won’t even permit her to visit her parents or her children. I know that sounds outrageous and my thinking when she told me is what kind of person would permit an abusive man to isolate her from family. Sadly, Judy’s personality and religious beliefs have caused her to be subserviant to this guy’s desires. She sees it as her duty to take care of her husband faithfully and without complaint. Yeah, that’s fucked up, and yeah my being in the picture now has created a lot of cognitive disssonace to the depths of her soul. She tells me she cries a lot these days.
Anyway, I am going to hold steady and try to avoid doing anything stupid. I’m content to wait and see how things play out without my getting physically involved. I do have feelings for Judy and I feel like I have some part to play in her future. In my thinking that may very well be helping her return home to her family and living that life. I have no plans to join her there but would be happy for her if that proves to be her best option.
Meanwhile, I’ve got my walks and I’ve got my beer. Not being in a relationship and not worrying about not having one are actually easier done than I ever imagined they would be. I’m going to be just fine on my own. If Judy is truly what she appears to be, perhaps I’ll trust her with my heart one day. Time will tell.
Watching my head, holding my face
One more evening gone to waste
No longer do I know my place
Killing time and missing my cues
Watching her belong to you
Tears could only change my view
Take the L out of lover and it’s over [
Growing up has always been tough
Good intentions never good enough
I would take you far away
Do anything to make you stay
Take the L out of lover and it’s over
done
Yeah, Judy’s neediness is tripping all sorts of alarm bells and “Here We Go Again” warnings. If you follow the think-with-your-dick path, then you and Judy will succumb to naughty temptation, once or several times, and you’ll both eventually realize that that’s a toxic dynamic because, ultimately, you both have very different goals in life, not to mention very different notions of what counts as “love.” What feels good in the moment isn’t good for a long-term relationship. In the end, nothing new will be learned or gained by taking the phallic route. Based on this latest post, that’s not the route you seem to be taking, but you do strike me as tempted by the forbidden fruit. Yet again.
Sigh… it’s easy to be a stud when all the women are desperate or needy or cynical users. Is it really that hard to find someone who’s good and decent and caring and wholesome? Someone who’s not a psychological and/or financial train wreck?
This is why I keep saying you need to search outside your normal ambit, i.e., bars. Hashing has taken you out of one sort of comfort zone (and I respect you for that), but to find the woman you truly seek—assuming you’re seeking—you’re gonna have to remove yourself from some of your other comfort zones. If you refuse to change your bar-loving ways, then you’re trapped in this particular hell forever, paddling around in ever-tightening circles as you get older and the girls get younger every year. Eventually, the mud puddle dries up.
To many women.and aliases. Keeps me confused. Maybe that’s a good brain exercise.
I agree with Kevin. Get away from your normal haunts.
As usual, Kevin nails it. This is not going to work. Judy does not want to break her vows, etc., but does she know you are still married? That is okay with her? It seems that she (and you) are willing to justify things if they are in your favor.
Keep her in the friend zone. If not, I dont see anything good coming of this.
I second (or third) the “getting out of your comfort zone”. You are NOT going to find love (at least the non-transactional type) in your small neck of the woods. Too much drama, too much familiarity among all the participants, no escape route, etc.
As I said in another post, if you need to sow your oats, take a long weekend and go the “big city”, but definitely places further afield from Barreto.
I also recommend getting some business cards printed up that you can hand out locally:
“Hi, you are a nice young lady, but I am NOT INTERESTED in ANY type of physical or financial short term or long term relationship. I am STRICTLY interested in ONLY being friends. We can meet for lunch once in a while, but do not expect anything from me – gifts, money, loans, groceries, etc. If you ask for any of the above, I will immediately cut off all contact with you.
I am only interested in occasional conversation and discussion of world events.
If I break any of the above rules, please IMMEDIATELY cut off all contact with me.”
Gentlemen, I am truly humbled by your responses and impressed by the unanimity of your viewpoints.
Judy is different than the women I have been meeting. Older for one thing. Never worked in a bar either. From what I’ve observed she truly does have a loving and caring heart. She’s really into gardening and nature as well. In some ways, she reminds me of my last (and technically current) wife Jee Yeun (the good ways, not the breaking her promises and my heart part) I honestly think if I had met Judy in another time and place where we were both single, she could have been the one.
But we didn’t and I’m not sure that our pasts can now be reconciled. Judy has a lot to deal with as her marriage unravels and I think I’m serving as an outlet for her emotions and perhaps she views me as a safety net. I do agree that her clinginess is a big red flag and that she is already using the “L” word with me tells me our definitions of love are not in sync. I don’t think Judy is a scammer or user but I know she is in a desperate place and from where she is standing I look like salvation.
Bottom line I guess is that other than the being married part, I could probably give her a go. And if her husband really does leave her I still might. We’ve not talked a lot about my marriage but my impression is that she hopes to be married again but I’ve made clear that is not going to happen for me ever again. Right now, I need to take a step back. I’ve done pretty well so far keeping my little head out of the decision making process. My big head says to proceed slowly and see what happens if and when Judy is truly free (or as free as you can get in the “no divorce” Philippines). I guess I’ve craved a loving and nurturing woman who thinks I am the answer to her fervent prayers. The reality of that may feel more like suffocation though I suppose. I am definitely keeping my eyes wide open and keeping my emotions in check. I feel like I’m in control and that’s a good thing.
So, if falling for the neighbor’s wife is progress I guess that shows just how fucked up I’ve been. As far as looking outside my comfort zone goes, I really wasn’t looking when this Judy thing kinda sorta happened. I’m really not attracted to the girls I meet in bars these days, although there is a manager I could go for in one. I still have my Date in Asia account open but my half-hearted efforts there haven’t led to more than a few brief chats thus far. It’s funny though, my profile on Filipina Cupid said something very similar to what Brian suggests–“if you ask for money before we’ve met I’ll block you.” Actually though, I’m doing fine alone. Judy is just a distraction at this point, I can’t even see her in person except for the rare occasions she comes to see my helper and I happen to be home.
Anyway, lots for me to think about and consider. I appreciate y’all providing me the honest feedback. I’m going to tell Judy to back off and focus on her next steps with the husband. I’m not going anywhere with or without her.
Kevin Kim is wise beyond his years. As i read your entry all I could hear in my mind was music from the movie JAWS. Peace Out!
That’s scary, Soju. I am not going into the water!
John, as others have mentioned, we all have to be thankful for your candor. Without that, we’d never be able to see and comment on the recurring behavior patterns that make your life so… interesting. I myself am pretty closed-mouthed about my personal life; I don’t think I’m brave enough to let it all hang out (of course, it helps to be living semi-monastically for the past couple of years). So, yeah: thanks for putting it all out there, however painful it might be for you to do so.
One of the advantages to a little-read blog I suppose. It is good to have some space where I can talk about my thoughts and feelings. I do worry sometimes that someone will inadvertently be hurt by something I write here. That’s never my intent.
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