Intelligence as a factor in mate selection

Ann Althouse has had an interesting discussion on whether the intelligence of a potential partner (compared to your own) is an important factor in a successful relationship. She has come down pretty much on the side of equality of intelligence. Read about it here. Ann doesn’t do comments, and email responses are limited to 300 characters. Being the verbose individual that I am, I was unable to respond within those parameters. So, my overlong email is now this post:

Well, if equality = compatibility I agree. It seems to me all this talk about preferring smarter/less smart mates is irrelevant if there is not basic compatibility present. And I think compatibility goes way beyond equality in intelligence.

Personally, I am attracted to successful women but I am not sure success is a reliable indicator of intelligence. More important is the presence of some shared interests and the ability to talk about topics and issues at a level where both partners can potentially enlighten or be enlightened. I appreciate learning something new from my wife and I like to think she has learned some things from me over the years. (Unfortunately, I was unable to make her see the errors in her logic for supporting Kerry, but that is a moot issue now thankfully).

We are probably saying close to the same thing Ann. But as I see it, intelligence and equality are really just part of the overall universe of compatibility.

14 thoughts on “Intelligence as a factor in mate selection”

I think only insecure people prefer inferior mates … I know that I would tire very quikly of some vapid piece of fluff.

(Or, perhaps, these people don’t really know what they want, aren’t thinking long term, or are just looking for (cough) ‘fun’ …)

/TJ
NIF

I can’t disagree with Ann’s assessment or John’s. However, I would point out that individuals of noticably unequal intellignece are unlikely to be compatible.

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There has been a great deal of research in the area of intelligence. What has been found was that some people are very intelligent in an academic way but lack “emotional intelligence”. Many people have advanced degrees and high scores on IQ tests but lack empathy and other areas of the heart that are necessary for a long term relationship. While maybe one has gone to the best schools, and has a great deal of general knowledge, a person may be good at reading people and know how they feel. A person may get along well with people in social situations, be able to persuade people to see your point of view and be a very hopeful and optimistic. Those are the skills necessary for emotional intelligence. It is being “street smart.” It is simply a different way of being smart. In a good relationship we have lessons to learn from each other because we all have different strengths. Ask yourself, do you have chemistry with this person, do you laugh, and do you connect with them emotionally? If the answer is “Yes” then enjoy what that person has to offer and realize that you have insights and observations about life that they can learn from you as well. I believe that opposites attract for a good reason. We each bring to the table, our own experiences, intuition and gut reaction to things. It would be too boring to be with someone who was a carbon copy of ourselves. Celebrate your differences and realize that they will lead to growth for both of you.

Cherish, you make a very good point. Intelligence manifests itself in many different ways. Your thoughts on emotional intelligence versus a more “intellectual” intelligence make a lot of sense. I also agree that someone with a lower IQ can be much more wise and savvy, “street smart” as you put it. Certainly the ability to see things as they are versus some idealized vision is the mark of intelligence. I think of the so-called intellectual elite in France that are truly clueless about what is happening all around them. They probably won’t figure it out until some islamofascist is putting a sword to their throat. Alas.

Anyway, thank you for the thought-provoking and “intelligent” comment! 😀

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I agree with Cherish, emotional intelligence is extremely important in relationships. “Intellectual” intelligence can be difficult in dealing with egos of both partners.

John, Sorry about the misleading header on the TrackBack. Believe it or not, I actually do somehow find a connection between Mecca, and dating smart women. It’s just the link comes later in the post..

Don’t wanna make it seem like I’m trolling for hits.

Oh, and while I’m here, I have to say, I’ve dated both: One that was not the sharpest marble, and another one that was pretty dern sharp. They both made me crazy. (though I have to say, I fell in love with the slow one..) There were some intangibles there. Or mabey it was just the tangibles.. I dunno.

When I was young (showing my age here) there was “book smart” and then there was “street smart.” The latter was used to describe a person with a lot of common sense. My boyfriend liked to tell me I was book smart. I made much better grades than he did in school. This was his way of leveling the field between us and I admit I was somewhat naive. He came from a military family that had traveled extensively. I too came from a military family but my father believed children should have stability. He traveled extensively and we stayed put in a very rural southern town. I had to go to confession before I could go out on Saturday night,no kidding, and God forbid that I should engage in any activity afterwards which would render me unable to take the sacrement the following Sunday morning. Fear of God and mother kept me pretty much on the straight and narrow. You get the picture. Years later when I actually took a test to determine my emotional intelligence I scored as a very well balanced person both social and disciplined. Time and experience eventually gave me the “exposure” my boyfriend had. Of course by then he was a footnote in the history of my life. Maybe for a man it is different, but as a woman I can tell you I would not want to be a lot smarter than my husband, not even if he were the most emotionally well balanced man ever born. This probably explains why I am married to a very intelligent man, with loads of arrogance and plenty of ego, but somewhat lacking in the sensitivity department.