Ah. Bored today at lunch so I found a facebook group called foreigners looking for a Filipina. What the hell, why not? So I posted this:
My Filipina just broke my heart. Time for me to move on. I will be retiring to the PI in May 2018 (Olongapo area). Hope to meet someone who wants to take care of me and I will take care of her. Loyalty and honesty are my primary requirements. Anyone interested?
Might have been a mistake. So far I have 477 “likes” on that post, half as many comments, and over 100 friend requests. A little scary and reeking of desperation. Probably should have just stuck to the dating websites. I’m not about to “friend” a bunch of random strangers on FB. Still, who knew I could be so popular?
Another day in the process of moving forward. Truth is I’m really not ready to engage emotionally with anyone until I’ve worked my way through the betrayal of Loraine. It’s going to take some time I think. Who can you trust?
I don’t know how I’ll get her off my mind – but give me time
I’ll think of something
I can’t say today that I’m all right – but by tonight
I’ll think of something
I’ll find so many things to do that I wont have the time to think of her
And then if she’s still on my mind I’ll try to drink enough to drown the hurt
And if that don’t work
I’ll think of something
Well… that’s why I privately suggested someone ugly—or a guy—as your caretaker. If you truly are done with the love thing, then it shouldn’t matter to you whom you hire. If, on the other hand, you really are looking for the potential for romance, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself about that fact and include it as a possibility in whatever writeup you create for your online profile. My intuition is that, if you’re still looking for a good-looking woman to be your caretaker, you want much more than an employee. In terms of breaking the samsaric cycle, I see two ways: (1) be honest that what you’re really looking for is a life-companion who can offer you love along with support, or (2) be true to the idea that you’ve sworn off the love thing, having been hurt too many times—and really stick with that mindset. Either of these paths is better than the one that leads right back to the same pain.
I’m reminded of the hilarious foot-massage dialogue between Jules and Vincent in “Pulp Fiction”: Jules tries to argue that foot massages don’t mean anything, that they’re perfectly innocent, but Vincent traps him by asking, “Would you give a guy a foot massage?” Jules has no argument, so his response is, “Fuck you.” No matter how much we fool ourselves, foot massages mean something every time we give them.
But when I read this:
“Truth is I’m really not ready to engage emotionally with anyone until I’ve worked my way through the betrayal of Loraine.”
—I get the feeling that “emotional engagement” is indeed the thing you’re looking for. For whatever reason, you’re convinced that you can’t hack this life alone, that you need a companion, not merely an assistant. If that’s the case, then you CAN’T stipulate that your next caretaker needs to understand there’s no potential for love/romance because there obviously is. So whatever you’re looking for will not be a strictly employer-employee thing, and whichever woman you finally select will need to know that. The lady might end up being a Machiavellian gold-digger, but she still deserves honesty.
My two scents, said the skunk.
Thanks, Kevin. It was good reality check for me. Yes, while I didn’t intend to fall in love with Loraine, over time those feelings grew, even when I was in denial. Only the prospect of losing her made me acknowledge them.
So going forward, what do I really want? I think I’m speaking in euphemisms, when I say “care” for, I’m merely replacing one four letter word for another. Yes, I do want to be loved, I know that now. I may be of a nature where I need to be loved.
The problem of course is that I want to be loved on my terms, selfish bastard that I am.
I truly appreciate your insights. Going forward with a clearer understanding of my motivations and requirements will help me narrow my focus in my search for Loraine’s replacement.
And yes, I want someone pretty!
As far as I know anywhere in the world, sex is not included in a caregiver’s job…and hope you know a Filipina once u fuck her..u are not only getting her p—y but also her heart…if u want sex with no feeling involve- get a bar girl…
Anyway….keep looking…goodluck to that!