I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

It’s Hash Monday once again and seeing as how it is unlikely I’ll be in any condition to blog once I return home I thought I’d leave a little something for you faithful few now.

Nothing really significant to report. Well, other than it seems I’ve scared Jessa away. I’d explain what happened but I honestly don’t have a clue. We were chatting as per usual, mostly small talk. She told me her daughter was spending time with her aunt and I responded “as long as everyone is happy”. She asked, “Are you happy?”. I answered truthfully “it is what it is with me”. She persisted, “yes or no?”. So, I shared these song lyrics with her:

So I just let go of what I know I don’t know
And I know I only do this by
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
Living in the moment

I really wasn’t being flip. That song had come up in my playlist while walking and it had reminded me to accept the here and now for what it is. I recalled wasting that year I spent in Pyeongtaek either lamenting what I had had and lost or stressing about what I was hoping to find in the future. I can’t think of a better definition of “unhappy”.

I sent Jessa a link to the song and she replied that she liked it. I told her that was my answer to her question–I’m not happy or unhappy, I’m living in the moment. Jessa responded, “Yep, the story of my life too”. I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant but told her “there is still a long way to go”.

Jessa answered, “ya ya”. And that’s the last I’ve heard from her. Been over 24 hours now, which is quite unusual. I normally get a couple of check-ins throughout the day along with a goodnight and a good morning. So, I obviously said something that triggered her in a way that was not intended. And yes, I’ve been stubborn about not going back and asking her what’s wrong. Maybe it’s a pride thing or maybe I just don’t want to reward behavior that I find unacceptable. Hell, just tell me what’s on your mind; don’t try to punish me with silence.

I woke up during the night and replayed our last conversation over in my head trying to understand what had happened. Maybe when she asked me “Are you happy?” she meant was I happy with her. That would have been totally out of context with our chat, but that’s all I can think of. I guess Jason Mraz lyrics wasn’t the answer she was looking for. Who knows? Anyway, I got up to check the translation for “ya ya”. It literally means “yeah yeah”. That was my thought when I first read the words, but then it kinda dawned on me that telling someone “yeah yeah” can be intended as a dismissive fuck you.

And that is where things stand. If Jessa had cared enough to pursue an actual conversation concerning my feelings towards her I would have honestly responded that while I enjoy our dates I’m not ready for a relationship. It’s just too soon for one thing. And more and more I’m thinking I’m not suited for a relationship. I might be destined to spend my final years alone.

And that’s where things stand as of now. Looking forward to a good Hash and lots of beers afterward. I’m tired of thinking about shit like this.