Sometimes.
This, my first post in 2016, is one I wish I didn’t have to write. My wife has chosen to leave our marriage. That’s the long and short of it. I can’t say I fully understand the why of her decision, but in the end it doesn’t really matter I suppose. She simply told me “I am not happy life with you”.
Perhaps it is the truest measure of my love for her that I would not ask her to sacrifice her happiness for mine. And that’s a pretty big deal given my long and varied history of selfishness. I do find it rather ironic that this marriage failed despite my diligent efforts to avoid my previous relationship mistakes. Being unfaithful killed some previous marriages, but being faithful was not enough to save this one.
Anyway, I learned long ago that each individual is ultimately responsible for their own happiness. No one has the power to make you happy. And if you find yourself unhappy sharing your life with someone, then you must do what you have to do to find happiness in your life. Now granted, it was a kick in the nuts to be told by my wife that she would rather be alone than be with me. It is beyond my power to somehow find a way to make her satisfied sharing this life if that very act makes her unhappy.
During the course of our seven years together I’m sure she experienced at least some measure of happiness. At least she appears happy in those old photographs. I cannot fathom when things went so wrong for us, but in retrospect her sudden decision to stop coming to Itaewon with me some 18 months ago was probably the beginning of the end. When we were dating she rarely left my side, so much so that when she wasn’t with me people would jokingly ask “where’s your shadow”. But I liked having her there. She was my cheerleader when I played darts, and afterwards we’d go out and eat and often would socialize with other couples. And then one day that part of our life just ended. Perhaps I could have been more assertive and insisted that she join me, but really, I would not want her there under duress.
When I returned to the States last September as part of our 6 month here/6 month there routine, she delayed coming with me “for two weeks” so she could take care of her ill mother. When two months went by without her, I told her that she was my wife and I needed her with me. She said if I made her choose, she would choose to leave me. That hurt me deeply, but I wasn’t ready or willing to give up on her. So I set about finding work in Korea so I could stay here long term. I took a bullshit part-time job to accomplish that, and returned in early December. Looking back, she didn’t seem all that happy to see me.
And finally, on Christmas morning 2014 she told me she didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I stuck around anyway, living a day by day existence waiting for something to change. It didn’t. Three weeks ago I wrote her a long letter and asked her what she wanted. She responded “a divorce”.
And so I moved out. The problem is I never really had a Plan B. I just had always assumed she would be by my side. I blew my life savings buying, remodeling, and furnishing a house I thought we’d share in our old age. Now I can’t even imagine living there without her.
Which leaves me where exactly? A fat, 60 year old man, looking back over the years of one dreary failure after another. But as I resolved on New Year’s Eve, I’m going to work hard at looking forward from here on out. Much less painful that way. I’ve gotten more or less drunk for 12 straight days now, and I doubt I can continue that pace for long. I must admit in my darker hours I sometimes imagine taking the Leaving Las Vegas route.
Not to worry, I’d never do that. Not intentionally anyway. Instead I’ll do some traveling. Starting with a visit to my friend Dennis in Phnom Penh next week. I reckon I better find and do the things I want in life while I still have time. If this study is to be believed, it turns out you really can die of loneliness.
I apologize for this being such a fucking depressing post. In a perverse way it feels good to purge myself of these sad thoughts here in the friendly confines of LTG.
Things are bound to get better. One of these days.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc
This is a remarkably frank post, but I’m guessing that, drunk or not, you did the math and concluded that, while the issues underlying a divorce might be private, the divorce itself is a very public fact—which is why you’ve elected to write publicly about this. Hats off for your courage.
I can understand your depression, and to be honest, I don’t think you should deny it. (Not saying that that’s what you’re doing, of course; if anything, this blog post is a sign that you’re working through it.) It’s good to be positive, especially at the start of a new year, but there’s nothing wrong with riding the wave of confused emotion that comes with this sort of brutal life-change. Just understand that there’s no need to crucify yourself. You’re not evil; she’s not evil; it simply is what it is, and things suck right now, but you’re tough and you can fight through this.
For what it’s worth, and I speak as one of your many friends: you have a support network with whom you can hang and blow off steam. They won’t judge you or moralize; if they’re real friends, they’ll simply be there for you in your time of need, and when they’re at their best, they’ll point your way toward hope and healing.
While it’s very unfortunate that your wife isn’t going into any detail about why she wants out of the marriage, you obviously can’t force her reasons out of her. Maybe she’s afraid that, if she starts explaining herself, she’ll lose it and scream uncontrollably. (She should know, though, that screaming isn’t the worst act in the world. It can actually be therapeutic.) I don’t know. But it’s not anything you have any say over, so the best thing to do is just let it go and soldier on.
Some of your post sounded a hell of a lot as though you were looking back on your life and seeing nothing but a series of failures. Your more rational self knows this isn’t true. You’re the father of some incredible children; you have relatives in the States who love you and will welcome you into their foyer any old time. Based on what I’ve read on your blog and things we’ve talked about face to face, I know you’ve lived an amazing life and have acquired a great storehouse of wisdom. I don’t see failure in any of that.
Koreans have a proverb: geo-geo-geo-joong-ji, haeng-haeng-haeng-ni-gak. (Pronounce the “geo” like “gaw,” not “jee-oh.”) It basically means, “Going-going-going brings wisdom; doing-doing-doing brings knowledge.” In other words, no matter what you do in life, you collect knowledge and wisdom the way a wolf collects burrs as it moves through the tall foliage. You can’t help it: even things that seem to deserve labels like “mistake” or “failure” accrue to you as wisdom and knowledge—as grace, to use Christian language. We’re grace-gathering beings.
So, yeah—keep getting drunk for a while. Sulk for a while. Simmer and rage at your situation for a while, and be sad, too. But ultimately, when you’re on the floor and all is quiet, that inner voice is going to come to you and say, “Dude. It’s time to stand up.” Don’t force that voice; it’ll summon itself. And that’s when you mentally turn the page, take a deep breath, and put yourself back out there to face the future. All of that is internal, of course, but externally, remember your safety net of friends who will be there to ride the tempest with you.
You have my sympathy, but never my pity. You’re a good man, and strong, and I wouldn’t write at such length if I didn’t care about you and your future.
On a more practical note, if you read my blogged review of Linus’ BBQ, I’ve decided that Manimal is the better smokehouse overall. Not that Linus is bad or anything, but if we elect to do barbecue again anytime soon, I say we hit Manimal from now on. I wouldn’t mind becoming a semi-regular there. You contact me or I’ll contact you; I’m easy that way.
Thank you Kevin. Your heartfelt response means a lot to me. And yes, there are many positives in my life I can focus on. Anyway, I’m drunk (again) so I’ll leave it at that.
I agree, Manimals takes the prize. Enjoyed discovering that with you.
Hey John,
My thoughts are with you from China, i wont try to add anything to what Kevin has already said.
I will be sure to get in touch when i am next in Seoul so we can meet up and throw some darts.
John, really sorry to hear you are going through a difficult and painful time at the moment. One thing I would say is that the current dark times will finish and you will continue the journey and be happy again. In the meantime, if I can be a little presumptuous and offer some thoughts …..be kind and gentle with yourself at the moment and don’t do too much self analysis. I am pretty sure the good of your life far outweighs any negatives anyway! Yeah, go apeshit, drink Itaewon dry for a while and then latch onto your New Years resolution……..
Keep your head up, champ. Life starts at 60.