Surprise, it’s me. I’ve missed y’all, and I appreciate your patience and understanding as I work through some changes. Anyway, notwithstanding the fact that I have not been posting on my blog, I have maintained my morning ritual of reading blogs. And I came across an interesting tidbit today that I thought worthy of sharing.
Here’s the teaser:
We tend to remember slights and frustrations more than favors and kindnesses. So inevitably in a marriage the weight of negative remembrances of things past comes to exceed that of the positive. Divorce is the result.
The secret to a good marriage, therefore is selective forgetfulness. Coincidentally some psychologists have recently come to the same conclusion. The couples who stay together are the delusional ones – the ones who look at their past with rose-colored glasses.
And you can read the rest here.
So, what do YOU think?
Via Marginal Revolution
Interesting article and very likely true but it only takes into account “inevitable negative events”-disagreements over chores, children or money for instance. Some events are not inevitable and I am not sure a person can be delusional enough and if they are then wouldn’t that impact their spouses perception of them as someone of who they can take advantage or simply lose respect for? What do YOU think?
I think that some things are so bad they can and do outweigh all the good. Reaching that point is based on an individuals personal capacity. As to the respect issue, my perspective is that a person’s ability to forgive, accept the past, and move on is worthy of the ultimate respect. Now, it would be wrong to take advantage of a person’s capacity for forgiveness, but that is not an issue of respect–rather that is a character flow of the person taking advantage.
True but a person who would repeatedly engage in such behavior has a flawed chracter. Do you think a person can correct a flawed character? Perhaps the most telling comment came at the end of the link in the article, “Conversely, if you want to prevent your desires from affecting your beliefs, use measured language to describe it to yourself. Otherwise, you’re burying a time capsule of deception for yourself to dig up at a later date.” This comment may not seem directed at marriage but I can see the value of this advice in certain marital situations such as the woman who cannot walk away from an abusive relationship or a philandering husband. Sorry, being a woman I am coaching this in terms of the wife. Hillary and Debbie are both reading some book called or about your emotional love tank no it was titled soemthing about understandign your love language but it talked about the emotional love tank. Simply put think of a person as a vessel filled with love-the love is like fuel. They use it up in loving another person but they get refills from being loved. So as long as they are feeling loved their tank (or capacity to love) never goes dry. I think big inevitable negative things can be overcome provided there is love in the tank but if the tank runs dry. Conversely, if the person stops feeling loved then the tank runs dry and it is harder to be delusional.
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John,
How are you doing? Hope you are enjoying your new gig. Did I read your blog correctly?…You hosted a dinner party? WOW! You go guy. All is fine here. We all miss you. Take care…just wanted to say hello.
VT
I’ve been married for almost 6 years and to be honest, I never really considered a ‘secret to a great/good marriage.’
Hey shit-bird I have been trying to E mail you and nothing is getting through. Here is my latest race report.
The final push is in full swing in preparation for Western States. After a grueling 50 mile race at Bishop last week Deb and I headed up to Dean’s in Placerville to spend the weekend training on the WS trail. Friday we began our little trek and left LA as early as possible to get out of the shit sort of speak. Once upon the open road my mind starts to ease some and I kick back wondering how I will hold up. I was worried some because of two bad toe nails that I got last weekend racing in Bishop. I lost one nail but had these two nails that were causing me all sorts of problems. I had basically been hobbling around at work as the toes turned red and I kept pushing puss out from under the nails to relief the pressure. Finally Thursday night I had had enough and asked Deb to get the pliers and pull the suckers off. She looked at me with that all too familiar disgusted look of hers and just rolled her eyes. Living with a moron sometimes must get to her.
Well by now I was figuring how to get a good grip on them and yank them off myself. I got some real important training runs and I do not need this shit slowing me up. We got to Dean’s and he and I set off for the store. While he was messing around I put my foot up on a fence post and yanked one of the suckers off but I couldn’t get a grip on the second one. I yelled for him to get me a needlenose. He came back with the pliers and said do that shit in the car we got to get going. Now this is someone I can relate too. My kind of guy, someone you can pack your trash with. No nandy, pandy just get in the car and yank that sucker off. Well needless to say I got a good gripe and yanked and the last one came off. This was extremely important because other than some soreness the toes did not bother me at all. Well almost. No story is complete without the stupid male act to enhance an already borderline idoiticy that I seem to possess in abundance. Naturally I am hanging around in the back, listening to the wind through the pines and the quail are starting to talk in the early evening. I kick off my sandals to feel the grass. Awwwwwwwww, I love the softness. I head inside barefoot to get a beer when I kick both toes into at kitchen table. As Dean described it “I thought you were going to pass out.†God; that hurt.
I arrive at the Old sawmill in Forest Hill for the Saturday training run. The Sierra’s are full of snow and the normal run from Robinson Flat to Forest Hill has been changed because vehicles cannot get within four miles of Robinson Flat. Instead we catch busses and get a ride up to within about 5 miles from Last Chance. The days run will cover the canyons. That means Devils Thumb, Deadwood, Michigan Bluff and Volcano. This is the section that in the heat will pretty much separate everyone during the hundred miler. Last year I really struggled up Devils Thumb and Volcano destroyed me as I staggered into Forest Hill. This section will determine whether you will finish or not. It also will determine if I can get under twenty-four hours. If I can come through here in good shape and with a good time I just might pull off the sub twenty-four I am shooting for. The run goes well I cover the twenty-eight miles in 5:17. I run the final section on Bath road easily. All the climbs go well and I cover the downhills near full speed. Uneventful run but it gets me more acquainted with the course. This is very important and the downhill running is very important for the quads. I want to see how they hold up especially after the dead period I went through right before the fifty miler in Bishop.
Day two arrives and we gather in Forest Hill for a run to the river with a final three mile climb to White Oak Flat. This covers another section of the race from Forest Hill to the river crossing. I want to do this section because I need the stress on the quads because it is largely a downhill run to the river. I feel pretty good; yesterday’s run has had little effect on me. I start fast with one goal in mind; I will not walk any section. That means I will run all the climbs no matter how slow I go. I am revisiting Balto’s Valley Forge challenge. The run goes well and I run all the climbs even the last one which covers three miles up and out of the river canyon. I end up covering the 20 miles in 3:17. I feel pretty good about it because of the terrain. The overall problem is that there is no heat. It is way to cool right now. I need heat for good training. I cover myself with a running jacket trying to get my body heat up so I can suffer more but it just is not good enough. Some of the runners ask why I am wearing a jacket. Come on guys and girls if these are training runs simulating WS you better be prepared for the heat. We Need To Heat Train!
Day three and Dean and I are on our own. Good, I prefer to be in the high country alone or with a fellow soul whom I can relate too. I drive down to Michigan Bluff to park the car. We run into some runners, old Western States die-hards, who have camped out and ran from Robinson yesterday. They had a car drop them four miles below the Flat and ran in snow to Robinson and then ran to Michigan Bluff for fun. These are just the greatest people. They just pitch a tent in the grass, set up camp and run the mountains all day. Wearing tie-dye T-shirts its like a running groupie traveling circus. What in the Hell am I doing working for the Corporations, participating in their life extinguishing bullshit? Shame on me! I could be up here in the mountains running and breathing and living life to its fullest. Shame, shame on me! I am just sick about it. In what year of my life did I get lost and was I coherent when it happened?
Dean and I will run from Michigan Bluff to Last Chance and back. This will cover over twenty-six miles. We will cover the same canyons that I did on Saturday only from both directions. It is cool; in fact it gets down right cold at Last Chance. It is an unbelievable day. We meet four kayakers portaging down to the river below Devil Thumbs. Dean and I have a long talk about how that is as it should be. We as a people are such wimps, actually we are disgusting. We want to drive our cars to every place. We expect to drive right up to where we want to play and trash the place and then drive home. Here are three guys and one dirty girl (our saying for girls that we hold in high respect) dragging their kayaks down eighteen hundred feet of rough trail to get to the prime river spot to launch. This is as it should be. Then we start to think about it some more and decide it is better most people are a bunch of lazy assholes in general and can’t part with there current modes of transportation. Because if they weren’t they would be out here with us and we would not be alone. Stay home, please America will you just stay home and leave us in peace. Breathe your grey gas from your precious gas guzzling mush monsters and leave us in peace. While you’re at it be sure to bulldoze more hills for your golf courses, condos and strip malls. And don’t forget to be sure to shoot some coyotes and mountain lions so you can protect Fido. “They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.†Oh and ladies be sure to wear a few more furs so we can be sure to slaughter a few more living creatures to cover your candy asses with all the best this earth can provide.
We reach Last Chance in 3:09 pull up a log and eat a peanut butter sandwich. I turn to Dean and say “this is why I love Ultra running. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for it.†The suns warmth is pouring through my pores. Earlier I was shivering because it is cold in the shade at this altitude and my shirt is drenched in sweat. Now I feel warm again. Dean replies “I love it because it makes this peanut butter sandwich taste great.†Amen, Brother everything is just a bid more special. It is called being ALIVE. All the streams are full and icy cold. Small waterfalls cascade just short distances from the trail. The sound is magical. Crossing a stream at mid-thigh in Volcano Canyon on Saturday my feet went numb with the cold, it was just awesome. This is indeed a snow year in the Sierra’s.
The return trip to Michigan Bluff was a negative run. In other words we got back quicker then it took us to get to Last Chance. Devils Thumb was a tough climb because we were tired but we handled it pretty well. On the last descent to El Dorado Creek I started to finally fade. The quads have taken a pounding this weekend so I guess I can’t complain. The climb out to the canyon however we handled very well. Heat not being much of a factor allowed us to push hard throughout the entire run. We got back to the car in 5:58. Not bad for twenty-six miles of probably the toughest part of the Western States trail. I am feeling pretty good. I am way ahead of my conditioning level of last year. Way ahead. Three days of Mountain running for seventy-three miles I am feeling pretty chipper. No leg issues. The toes are feeling a lot better and the nails should not grow back until after race day. My body is adjusting to maximum effort with very limited food. Now I need to get in the heat.
Dean is a little worried I am not resting enough. I got a thirty-nine mile run in the Angelus Crest on Sunday and I am thinking of hill repeats on Friday and Saturday. Now is a tough time to figure out. Three weeks to race day. I cannot afford to lose an ounce of endurance right now but need to be rested at the same time. I am in the best shape of my life. I mean at fifty-three I am in better physical shape than at any time I can ever remember. I can go farther day after day under difficult terrain with very little food. My body and mind are starting to come together as one unit. It is an absolutely awesome feeling. It is like you are in some kind of different dimension from where you used to be. You become highly charged emotionally. In Bishop I happen to talked to Xy Weiss. She was telling me it had been a tough year because she was not into it emotionally. I instantly understood what she was referring too. This Ultra running thing can make demands you may not be ready to give. Can you do it? In return it starts to chip away at all the exterior crap you hold on to. How far are you willing to go? How big are your balls? Do you hear the Call? The drumbeats are calling you, just listen for them, they beat for you. Do you dare? Do you dare to live an extraordinary life? I hope you do.
Hey, I ran across your blog as I was doing a search on Koreans and golf! I am visiting here in South Korea…my husband is stationed at Osan AFB. I’ve been here two days (I am from Arkansas) and it’s been interesting already. I’d like to know…do you think it is generally safe in Seoul? I’ve thought about leaving base alone while my husband is working, but I don’t know enough about the current sentiment to determine whether it would be safe or not. Oh, another coincidence…I just watched “Team America” today. He has bought it since he’s been here…wonder if he knew it was illegal in SK as you said. The portrayal of Kim Sung-Il is hilarous.
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