I make a lot of unforced errors when I write. Some of that is just old fashioned sloppiness. And the rest is simply ignorance. Back in high school, English was one of my better subjects. But even in those long-ago days, I would earn an “A” for content and a “D” for mechanics.
Don’t believe me?
Obviously, grammar, spelling, and punctuation have never been my strong suits. Thank God for spellcheck! And as I write this I’m downloading an app called “Grammarly” which purports to flag the kind of mistakes I frequently make here at LTG. We shall see.
What prompts this newfound interest in getting it right after almost 15 years of blogging? Shame mostly. My buddy and grammar Nazi regular reader Kevin Kim will occasionally point out my most egregious errors, either via comment here or in an email. I actually do appreciate his willingness to help me improve the quality of my writing. He’s threatened to use me as a bad example in a post on his blog concerning proper comma usage. In a recent email exchange, I foolishly asked if he had noticed my efforts to improve my comma placement. His reply was along the lines of “not so much.” He then proceeded to point out no fewer than six usage errors in the first three paragraphs of my most recent blog post. Ouch!
Honestly, I was very impressed with his sincere efforts to educate me in an area where I’ve been pretty much clueless. And it also prompted him to finally begin writing about commas on his blog. You need to go give it read, whether you care about proper punctuation or not. It’s really quite in-depth and fascinating. Who thought a mere comma could be so interesting? And his post is just part 1 of a six-part effort. I’m not being facetious when I say that when it comes to all things grammar, Kevin Kim is a freakin’ genius.
I’m going to make a sincere effort to apply this new-found knowledge, starting with the concept of “FANBOY”. If like me, you hadn’t heard that term, it relates to using a combination of a comma plus a coordinating conjunction: for, and, nor, but, or, yet–-FANBOY, get it?
Now, what I need to avoid is being self-conscious when I write. I’m kind of in a storyteller mode when I blog. I don’t want to feel like I’m back in high school writing an essay. But given the low-quality of my content here, I do hope to improve on the composition grade!
Have at it!
UPDATE: I did run this post through my new Grammarly app. How did we do?
Pretty good, but here are some gaffes I found. Corrections are [in brackets].
1. And as I write this[,] I’m downloading an app…
2. …an app called “Grammarly” [that] purports to flag…
(Many people think “that” and “which” are interchangeable. In terms of modern usage, which is sloppy, I suppose they are. The technical distinction is that you use “that” before restrictive clauses, and “which” before non-restrictive clauses. More on that later.)
3. Shame[,] mostly.
4. And his post is just part 1 of a [nine]-part effort.
(The list keeps growing as I think of new things!)
5. I’m not being facetious when I say that[,] when it comes to all things grammar…
(You have to wall off your parenthetical expressions with commas on both sides.)
6. “FANBOY[.”]
(More British punctuation! It’s fine if you’re a Brit; it’s not if you’re a damn Yankee. Also: it’s FANBOYS, with an “S.” Don’t forget the conjunction “so.” Type it ten times!)
7. I don’t want to feel [as if] I’m back in high school writing an essay.
(Don’t use “like” in front of clauses. Use “as” or “as if” or “as though,” depending on context. Many people say “Like I said,” but that should actually be, “As I said.”)
8. But given the [low quality] of my content…
(No hyphen because it’s a noun phrase; hyphenate only with phrasal adjectives, e.g., “low-quality content,” where “low-quality” modifies “content.”)
Conclusion: Grammarly is asleep on the job.
See why it’s a good thing I’m not in your comments section every day, nitpicking every error? This would get old fast. But like the terrible Eye of Sauron, I do see every error.
“Write the way you talk” isn’t a bad way to get started with writing, but it’s useless advice when the time comes to polish your prose.
Interesting, but far to hard for me. Seems I have advanced most-timers, well on my way to Alzheimer’s.
Rascal, you’re hilarious!
I promise not to be a hectoring, grammar-Nazi asshole on these comment threads. Wouldn’t want to wear out my welcome.
And I suspect your mind is as sharp as a newly forged katana, with not a hint of Alzheimer’s to dull it!
Yeah, that’s my excuse–most-timers disease! Or now I can blame Grammarly. Although I am using the free version, maybe I have to pay to get correct corrections. For example, I rarely hyphenate at all, but Grammarly suggested the “low-content” change. Bastards!
Not sure I’ll ever overcome the “that” and “which” type mistakes, but I’m really disappointed I didn’t do better I’m my comma usage. I’m a work in progress, hopefully I’ll show some improvement soon.
Anyway, no worries about standing corrected. I always appreciate the feedback. I’m reminded of what a girlfriend once told me: “no man is totally worthless, he can always serve as a bad example.” Bitch!
And if I ever win the lottery I’ll hire you as my personal editor, Kevin. How’s that sound? [okay, I put a comma in after lottery, but didn’t like the way it looked. Maybe I’m just too much of an Englishman?]
Now, this is f’n hilarious–in my bracketed comment above Grammarly suggested taking out the comma after lottery. I left it in, but now I’m not so sure. I may be becoming comma-phobic…
Come here for the food pics, darts and drama stories and hash reports (with pics of lady hashers!) and I end up leaving far better educated than when I arrived!
Damn you John & Kevin!!
(Ok maybe only a little more educated, I had never heard of FANBOYS before)
Thirsty, keep coming back for more surprises. Maybe I’ll do a post that has women and periods…
Grammarly is wrong again! In the sentence
And if I ever win the lottery I’ll hire you as my personal editor.
—the “if” cause (subordinate/dependent clause) must be followed by a comma. No comma if the dependent clause comes at the end. Look at these examples:
If you fart on me again, I’ll fucking kill you. (comma)
I’ll fucking kill you if you fart on me again. (no comma)
After Ozzy stunned the chicken, he made sweet love to it. (comma)
Ozzy made sweet love to the chicken after he stunned it. (no comma)
So: use a comma if the subordinate/dependent clause comes first, but don’t use a comma if that clause comes last.
QUIZ: which of the following sentences need commas, and where should you put the commas?
1. Unless you’re Barack Obama you’re never eating this puppy.
2. You can go on the kiddie ride unless you’re a perv.
3. After he pounded down three more beers he confessed he was wearing a garter and loved Hello Kitty.
4. If he’d been trained as a sniper he would have hit the kitten with his first shot.
5. He had a strong urge to piss after he’d had his way with the sheep.
Good luck!
Damn, my brain hurts but here goes:
1. comma after Obama.
2. no comma
3. comma after beers
4. comma after sniper
5. no comma
Woo-hoo! 100%!