France surrenders in the face of Russian aggression.

One top French General was quoted as saying, “Rather than suffer an embarrassing hypothetical defeat on a possible battlefield, we pre-empted the unlikely conflict with surrender – it was the only logical solution to the potential problem.”

The foreign press reported that Vladimir Putin commented on the surrender while performing his morning ritual of wrestling a grizzly bear, “France is not part of Russia. They are merely new vacation spot, we have no need for country full of coward wine drinkers, true Russians drink vodka!” The media will certainly be keeping an eye on the developing situation, as well as the response from the White House, which is expected later today. Press Secretary Jay Carney has told the media to expect a swift response from the President in light of the recent events, saying “The Department of Justice will be prosecuting the producer of the inflammatory Miley Cyrus YouTube video that caused all of this, as well as delivering an apology on behalf of the United States to all involved. We are hoping that the apology will cause all of this to kind of die down and go away so we can focus on the real issues of gun violence and the Affordable Healthcare Act”