Today is Jee Yeun’s birthday.  I sent her a message wishing her a happy one.  She thanked me and told me “good luck”.  So…

It’s been a little over six months now since I was sent packing.  And I’m okay.  The fact of the matter is that I’ve grown accustomed to being alone.  I can take care of myself.  I’ve even gotten to the point where I’m no longer achingly lonely.

One of the things I like about walking is that it gives me time to think.  In a good way.  Not like when I lay awake in bed at night wondering what the fuck happened to my life.  Anyway, I’m not sure I’d call it an epiphany but I’ve come to understand some things.

For one, I’m a selfish bastard.  It is just the way I am.  I’m not willing to compromise or settle.  I’d rather be alone than to accept less than what I want in life. I don’t need anyone to complete me.  I’d be ecstatic to encounter a kindred spirit who accepts me as I am, but I’m guessing those are pretty long odds.

But here’s the thing: I just don’t care.  Perhaps I’m broken beyond repair, but all those sweet words of love mean nothing to me.  I’m dead inside and just don’t feel it.  I’ve been burned one too many times to ever believe it again.

And I understand the ramifications of that portend a solitary future.  So be it.  I’d rather be alone than sucker punched again.  Love me at your peril!

I don’t have the patience or desire to make the sacrifices that are required in a “loving relationship”.  And that is so contrary to to everything I’ve always believed about myself.  I never thought I could make it own my own, and now I’ve come to understand that it is my destiny to live a life of oneness.  And I’m alright with that.

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain’t gettin us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There’s nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that’ll never change the way I feel

And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you, I need you
But-there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad
‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad

I can’t lie, I can’t tell you that I’m something I’m not
No matter how I try
I’ll never be able to give you something
Something that I just haven’t got

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain’t getting us nowhere