Well, being back home on a Sunday means doing the things I can’t do in Korea. One of those is reading the Sunday Washington Post. And having a home cooked pot roast. But let’s focus on the newspaper for now.

Actually the Post, although not nearly as blatant as the NY Times, tends to piss me off with its liberal bias. But what are you gonna do? They have a decent sports section and the comics are good. Plus, you get the Washington Post Magazine as well. So there are things to enjoy if you are willing to look hard enough. Anyway, one of the writers I particularly like is Gene Weingarten. He is normally quite witty and I was looking forward to his regular column in the Sunday Magazine. Imagine my surprise and delight to find he had penned a Christmas play at the request of a reader who teaches English in Seoul. Here’s the link, but since I went to the trouble of finding the column online, I am going to take the liberty of reprinting it in full here. I’m thinking since I’m such a big fan Mr. Weingarten (and the Post lawyers) will forgive me if I have exceeded the “fair use” limitations. I hope you enjoy:

Three Wise Men and One Dope
Gene writes a Christmas pageant

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, December 24, 2006; W36

Dear Gene: I have been in Seoul, Republic of Korea, for three days. I am here teaching English to 6-year-olds and have just been informed that I must write a short Christmas play for eight students. I must confess that I am a heathen and know little of this Christmas spirit. Can you help? There must be exactly eight roles.

— Onno Savage

“The Seoul of Christmas”

A Play in One Act

Cast: Mary, Joseph, First Wise Man, Second Wise Man, Third Wise Man, Little Drummer Boy, a Lamb and Frankenstein’s Monster.

Scene opens in a manger.

Mary: We have a baby boy!

Joseph: What shall we name him?

Little Drummer Boy: How about Park Kim Lee Ji-Soo?

Mary: That is a fine name. We’ll just call him Ji-Soo.

First Wise Man: Here is some gold, Baby Ji-Soo.

Second Wise Man: What are you, crazy? Who gives gold to a baby?

First Wise Man: Well, what did YOU bring, wise guy?

Second Wise Man: Myrrh.

First Wise Man: What is that?

Second Wise Man: It is an aromatic resin often burned at funerals to hide the smell of rotting corpses.

First Wise Man: Oh, that’s a LOT better.

Third Wise Man: Well, I brought this.

(Third Wise Man goes behind a tree, emerges with Frankenstein’s Monster. Sound of crying from the cradle.)

Second Wise Man: You idiot. It was supposed to be frankincense. Take that thing away.

(Third Wise Man exits with the monster. Baby quiets down.)

Little Drummer Boy: Behold, there is a giant light in the sky!

(All the other characters immediately dive for cover.)

Little Drummer Boy: No, it’s okay. We’re not being nuked by Kim Jong Il. It’s just a very bright star.

(Everyone gets up.)

Lamb: It is proclaiming the birth of a newborn king. Joy to the world!

Everyone: Joy to the world!

First Wise Man: (to Second Wise Man) Did you know lambs can talk?

Second Wise Man: No, but if you hum a few baas I can fake it.

(Little Drummer Boy plays a rimshot.)

(Third Wise Man returns.)

Third Wise Man: So why are we here, again?

First Wise Man: To adore the baby.

(Three Wise Men gather around the cradle.)

Second Wise Man: He’s definitely adorable.

First Wise Man: Yep.

Third Wise Man: He looks just like Winston Churchill.

(All the other characters stare at Third Wise Man.)

First Wise Man: Let’s hope he grows up strong and wise and just.

Everyone: Hallelujah.

Second Wise Man: And filled with peace and goodwill for mankind.

Everyone: Hallelujah.

Third Wise Man: With a really forgiving sense of humor.

Everyone: (loudly) AMEN!

Gene Weingarten’s e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.

Still ten minutes to Christmas here in Virginia, but I’m staying up to see if Santa comes. I’ve been more nice than naughty this year. Honest.