Yeah, it’s gonna be one of THOSE posts. Sorry!

As wonderful as it has been spending time with the kids and grands, a sense of sadness has permeated my long awaited return “home” to Columbia. It’s been nearly three years since my last visit and of course I was accompanied on that trip by my wife. She’s gone now and so is the life we had built here together. Well, not entirely gone. It seems everywhere I turn I’m confronted by a memory. And those memories are a bitter reminder of what I had and what I lost. By no means was it a perfect life, but it was the life I chose to share with her and I was content to live out the remainder of my days making the best of it.

And now I’m living a completely different life in a far away land. Thus far it’s been a lonely life which makes the emptiness I feel inside all the more difficult to bear. I miss feeling loved. I miss having someone at my side. I miss how it felt to be satisfied with my life. Coming back has brought those feelings to the forefront of my consciousness and left me struggling to maintain some semblance of peace of mind. It’s been keeping me awake at night because my brain ignores me when I tell it to “shut the fuck up!”

I am well aware of all the common sense platitudes. The past is the past, it can’t be changed or lived in. You have to let go and move forward. Focus on the things you have and not the things you’ve lost. Be ready for the next big thing in life, don’t let yesterday control your tomorrows. I think for the most part I’ve been doing those things, some days more successfully than others. But being here now has made me understand that there is a part of me that is gone forever. And no matter how much encouragement you might give an amputee, the fact remains that he will never be the same again. Yes, you still have to go on and make the best of what is left to you, but all the words in the world will never make you whole.

Okay, that’s just about enough of feeling sorry for myself. On my sleepless nights I do contemplate how I might go about building a life that will bring me, if not happiness, then at least a sense of satisfaction. But how to I get there from here? Well, I’m certainly not the first man who has found himself at this crossroad. And through the power of the internets I’ve managed to ferret out some words of wisdom. Or at least words that resonate with me. The first came from a submission to a Thai forum I frequent: No More “Nice Guy” in Thailand (I just change Thailand to the Philippines as I read, both are similar for these purposes). It begins with this:

A woman should be a compliment to your life, not the focus.

I guess that seems obvious, but I think I’ve been guilty of believing that if I could just find the “right one” I would be a happy man. It doesn’t work that way though, does it? The author goes on to say:

Understanding that you alone are responsible for your happiness and if you depend on a woman for your happiness, you are going to be controlled by emotions and on the road to ruin. Rather, your focus should be on living life as an integrated, confident male with a growth mindset who is striving to be the best version of himself. Aware of his self-worth and be value driven, as opposed to being driven by what other people think of him. It’s ok to be considerate of other people’s feelings but it’s not ok to be driven by them.

Yeah, I can get behind that concept. The trick of course is implementing it. I’m a sucker when it comes to love! Anyway, if you are so inclined, go ahead and read the post about avoiding the “Nice Guy” syndrome. It’s good food for thought.

I previously alluded to a book I’ve ordered that is supposed to be delivered today (hurry up!). It’s called “Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life”. It sounds like it was written with me in mind! Here’s the Amazon synopsis:

Are you tired of feeling fu*ked up? If you are, Gary John Bishop has the answer. In this straightforward handbook, he gives you the tools and advice you need to demolish the slag weighing you down and become the truly unfu*ked version of yourself. ”Wake up to the miracle you are,” he directs. ”Here’s what you’ve forgotten: You’re a fu*king miracle of being.” It isn’t other people that are standing in your way, it isn’t even your circumstances that are blocking your ability to thrive, it’s yourself and the negative self-talk you keep telling yourself.

Lead the life you were meant to have—Unfu*k Yourself.

I’ve got a 30 hour trip ahead of me tomorrow. I’ll spend some of them trying to unfuck myself!

Once I’m back in the Philippines I’ve got some decisions to make. Primarily, do I truly want to be in a relationship or should I just remain a free agent? It may come as a surprise that I do appear to have some options. I didn’t say they were necessarily good options mind you. For example, my domestic helper Tere has this friend Gina. Gina is from Manila and has come to visit Tere on several occasions, staying at the house for a week or two (she sleeps in Tere’s room). Although I have never really had a meaningful conversation with Gina (she always seemed shy around me) I did accept her Facebook friend request. She’s been sending me messages about “missing me” and hoping we can have a relationship together when I return. Yeah, I know that sounds bizarre, but actually it is not all that unusual with Filipinas. Still freaks me out though. I’ve told her she doesn’t even know me but that doesn’t seem to matter to her. She’s got a pretty cute body on her, I’ll give her that. But at this point in time I’m not inclined to take the easy way.

I’ve also heard from Jessa while I’ve been out of the country. She’s the gal I helped celebrate her 30th birthday recently (blog post here). Apparently there’s some fucked up shit happening at her work and she wants to quit. Of course, she has a daughter to support so needs to find a new job first. She teasingly (I think) said I should fire my helper and hire her. She also told me she needs a vacation and asked (teasingly?) when I was going to take her to Palawan. I responded we could have dinner when I returned and talk about that and she said “okay”. I hope she was serious.

She’s actually a sweet gal and has a good head on her shoulders. I think I could go for that, but honestly I never got the impression she was into me at all. It may be worth finding out one way or another.

The other avenue I’m considering is to just meet up with dating websites gals in locations I want to visit. I’ve been chatting with several so far and although I haven’t felt any sparks, having a nice “tour guide” to keep me company has some appeal. Blow into town, have a good time, and head on out unscathed and unattached. That’s one way to do it.

Or hell, maybe I’ll just become a whore and start fucking bargirls. I don’t know. I haven’t read the book yet.

Old habits die hard, some wounds never heal
We got what we came for, this is part of the deal
I can’t forget you, I can’t even try
Sometimes it seems like somebody died

Old soldiers die hard, old hearts beat slow
Old friends go easy, old lovers just go