Well I’ve been out walking
I don’t do that much talking these days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to
And I had a lover
It’s so hard to risk another these days
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it’s just that I’ve been losing so long
I’ll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don’t confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them
Woke up to a snowy morning and more is predicated tonight.
In other news, single life is not all it’s cracked up to be:
But, it can always be worse I suppose:
Actually, it did kind of happen to me in a way. My first Korean girlfriend (some long time readers may remember Se Hwa) broke up with my via email. While we were living together. That’s about as fucked up as it can get I suppose.
Well, in the category of “what comes next?”, I’m trying to stay in the game, more or less. Finding a suitable woman on dating sites like Filipina Cupid is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I didn’t find a needle there, but I did come across a Gem. Well, Gemma, but she goes by Gem. Technically, she found me I suppose, sending the first tentative “how are you?” message. We’ve been chatting for three or four weeks now, and so far I’ve found nothing wrong with her. Other than she is not the one my heart is aching for. Still, letting go of what’s gone and being satisfied with what remains is my new modis operandi. More or less.
Gem was formerly an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) where she worked as a caregiver in Israel. She got fucked over by her Israeli boyfriend in a way that puts my sorrow to shame. He cheated with her best friend (some friend) and knocked her up. That was two years ago and she tells me I’m the first guy since that she’s been willing to take a chance on.
Gem seems to have her shit pretty much together. She tells me she owns a house and condo which she rents out, freelances in real estate, and is doing alright financially. She she just wants someone to love to make her life complete.
And the other night she told me she was sorry, she knows I just want to be friends for now, but she can’t help falling in love with me. Damn, that does freak me out. I guess everyone defines love in their own way, and I’m certainly now open to being in love (better late than never, right?), but like I told her, there’s no way I’d ever fall in love with someone I’ve never met in person. She said she understands that.
I told her she was welcome to join me in Subic for the New Year and she has agreed. She even has a car and is willing to drive us there (she lives in Manila). So, we will see if the in-person chemistry and compatibility tests are successful when we meet and go from there. She seems excited about the week I have planned for us, so it’s a start.
Today Facebook reminded me that exactly one year ago I posted a poem on love by Kahlil Gibran. My comment on the poem at the time was “it almost makes me wish I believed in love again”.
I was so arrogantly stupid to believe that I could avoid love or live without it long term. And that stupidity cost me big time. So my heart is now wide open to all possibilities, but I’m not going to be in any hurry. I’m looking forward to getting to know more about Gem and I hope that we get along as well in person as we do online. After that, we’ll just let nature take it’s course.
But at least I’m moving forward again. Baby steps, but forward motion regardless. Wish me luck!
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.