So, some ruminations on spending another Valentine’s Day alone. Yeah, it is going to be one of THOSE kind of posts. Read on at your own peril.
It’s been an interesting week, full of insights and inspirations from seemingly random sources. For example, I had occasion to view this old video of me winning a Korean Darts Federation tournament way back in 2012.
I was astounded to see and be reminded of what a fat old fuck I truly was. At least I was fat and happy back then. Little did I know that the woman I was sharing my life with would desert me three years later for reasons I still don’t fully understand. Maybe it’s as simple as she found my appearance disgusting and couldn’t bear the sight of me. Although truthfully I was fat when she married me. So, who knows?
Anyway, I am skinnier and sadder these days. But perhaps my new healthier lifestyle will afford me a few extra years to figure this whole love thing out once and for all. Hey, it could happen! And it is good to remember that I have been loved in the past which gives me at least some hope for the future.
Now I need to find my last love. I hope it is something like this:
You know, I’m thinking I shouldn’t settle for less than that kind of love. Lord knows, I’ve paid my dues.
“How goes the search?” I imagine you asking. Honestly speaking, it’s not. I’m taking a break from the dating sites, it’s just too depressing sifting through scammers and pretenders looking for someone real.
Well, there’s Gem. You remember her, the woman who joined me for the New Year in Olongapo. For the life of me I cannot understand why she is unable or unwilling to engage in any meaningful conversation. Sure, I get the regular good morning and good night, but nothing of substance in between. I’ve tried to draw her out to no avail. Now, I’m sure some wags would say a woman who doesn’t talk is a feature, not a bug. But for me it is a deal breaker. I desire companionship, and being able to talk together is a big part of that for me.
On one of the forums I belong to, I posed the question about this non-responsive woman I know and asked for suggestions. The best advice I received was this:
someone said to me when I first arrived in the Philippines… do not be in a hurry to find a girl… there are so many here searching for a man like you… you do not have to be lonely too long… relax.. you will be like a kid in a candy store… but if you are looking for a true loving relationship…take the slow road….
So yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. If my “last” is worthy, she’ll find me. And later in my internet trolling, I came upon this:
Where no one knows you and you hold life in your hands all alone, you are more master of yourself than at any other time
During this week’s Command Staff meeting, the 8th Army Chaplain shared this tidbit that resonated with me:
If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
To be content, you must live in the present.
Simple to be sure, but true. I’ve been working hard at letting go of the past but I’ve found myself increasingly anxious about the future starting my new life alone in the Philippines. I assumed I’d have the woman I secretly loved by my side. Now I need to find my way ahead without her. I can do that I know, but I’m only going to be able to get there one day at a time. I listen to this song whenever I need to be reminded:
Anyway, I’m sorry to ruin your Valentine’s Day with my sorry rambling. But there’s one last piece of bad news: