It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of big government, but I do recognize that there are certain services that we must rely on Uncle Sam to provide.  Is it asking too much that the government endeavor to accomplish these necessary tasks with at least a modicum of competence?

My latest encounter with the federal bureaucracy in the form of the IRS nearly caused my head to explode.  Today I had the misfortune to visit the “taxpayer assistance office” located in the Strom Thurmond Federal Building in beautiful downtown Columbia.  And why pray tell did this taxpayer require assistance?  Because of the sluggards who reside within the offices at USCIS.  I won’t recount the sordid details of those travails again (if you are so inclined you can read about it here and here and here), suffice to say that because my wife’s application for permanent residency (green card) has been inexplicably delayed (or in government speak “outside normal processing time”) I’ve got some hurdles to jump prior to filing my income taxes.

You see, I can’t claim Jee Yeun as a dependent exemption on my 1040 until she has an SSN.  And she can’t get an SSN until she receives her green card.  Luckily, the IRS has a solution: I can file a W-7 form with my tax return and she will be assigned an ITIN (individual taxpayer identification number).  Ah, if it were only that simple.  For when you file the W-7 in the aforementioned fashion you must also send acceptable documentation of identity, which in Jee Yeun’s case is her passport.  No worries, IRS says the passport will be returned in 90 days or so (yeah, I’ve heard THAT promise before).  Being the unflagging optimist that I am,  I fully expect we will be back in Korea long before then.  So we are going to need that passport.

This morning I called the local IRS office and reached a recording that advised they don’t answer questions over the phone.  The recording also helpfully advised that I could find my answers at www.IRS.gov or I could visit the Taxpayer Assistance Office in person, “no appointment necessary”.  I dutifully went to the IRS website and did find my answer: I could bring the documentation and W-7 to my local Taxpayer Assistance Office for processing.  So we loaded into the car and headed downtown.

The Federal Building is an eight story monstrosity housing the entire alphabet soup of government agencies.  And guess what?  They offer zero public parking!  After circling around a couple of times I finally scored a metered spot a few blocks away.  I fed the meter a couple of quarters which bought me an hour on the street (told you I was an optimist).  Fortunately, it was a beautiful day and Jee Yeun and I walked hand-in-hand to our destination.  In true Buddhist fashion, Jee Yeun commented on how pleasant it was to be out walking down the street like we do in Seoul (I’ve always admired her positive outlook in life).  Upon entering the building the Federal Protective Service guards asked for ID.  My driver’s license sufficed, but the guard spent several minutes perusing Jee Yeun’s passport.  He finally asked “where is the visa?”  I momentarily pictured him calling upstairs to get INS on the case, but he reluctantly accepted my assertion that the green card was pending.  Going through security was just like the airport (no shoes, hats, belts or jewelry) but with less friendly agents.  Imagine that!

Having successful navigated the x-ray machine (and a bizarrely thorough search of Jee Yeun’s purse) we took the elevator up to the sixth floor offices of the IRS.  Where we encountered a line extending out the door of the Taxpayer Assistance Office.  To say that the line moved slower than a glacier would make me appear to be a global warming denier (which I am, but that’s another story).  Thirty minutes later I was still outside the door but I could peer inside and observe 20 or so disgruntled patrons of the IRS waiting for assistance.  Apparently, the line I was in was to get a number to be served in turn, but I did not see anyone handing out said numbers.  I did overhear one of the “lucky” people in the room say they had been waiting for four hours.  To pass the time and to overcome my foreboding upon reading a sign that said “Due to staffing limitations this office can only receive payments and provide transcripts”, neither of which I came to do, I called the IRS 800 number.  My phone call was put on hold for the “next available agent” and I played a game in my mind about who would actually speak to me first–the seemingly non-existent bureaucrat in the office or the faceless one on the phone.

Thirty more minutes go by and then a frumpy disinterested woman appeared from behind the glass wall (I had observed her listlessly looking at her computer monitor for some time) and announced “we will not be giving out any additional numbers today, and because of staffing shortages some of you with numbers may not be served”.  It became clear to me why the security procedures were so severe and necessary.  The disgruntled taxpayers had now become angry taxpayers.  I told the frumpy employee that I needed to file a W-7 and she responded that I could send it in with my tax form.  As I was explaining that I could not part with my passport, she turned to the angry crowd and told them harshly to “quiet down!”  Returning her attention to me, I told her the IRS webpage said I could file the W-7 at the Taxpayer Assistance Office.  She then advised me that they were “not staffed” to do that in this office.  I asked who was staffed to do so and she suggested I try going to Charlotte, NC.

About this time I made it through the phone queue where a friendly gentlemen confirmed the fact that Charlotte (100 miles distant) was the nearest office that could accept my W-7.  I thanked him for the website not mentioning that critical fact but the sarcasm seemed lost on him.

The day was not a complete cluster fuck however, for despite my parking meter having long since expired, I had not been given a parking ticket.  So there’s that.

Jee Yeun never directly criticizes America, bless her heart.  On the drive home she simply mentioned that during the busiest times at the Korean tax office, she never waited more than 20 minutes to be served.  She said in Korea government workers are smart and efficient and want to help you.  And they hire enough people to do the job.  I said “yes dear, everything works better in Korea”.  And I meant it.

Not only is the United States broke, it is broken.  That makes me sad.  And angry.