“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.” ― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera
Well, another journey around the sun has been completed. And man am I tired.
Honestly, it’s a struggle. I’m stuck somewhere between being unhappy and being depressed. Today was not one of the good days, but I’ll keep on fighting regardless.
I’m not sure why I just can’t seem to embrace acceptance of what my life has become. When I look around me I can see that I have it better than many folks. I’m grateful for my blessings, and regretful for the things I’ve lost. Perhaps most significantly, the capacity to love. A couple painful reminders of that this weekend have thrown me off my stride.
Time for another installment in the fascinating journey of my so-called life.
Well, I reckon it can be summed up as WWBD. Working, Walking, Biking, Drinking. I suppose it could be worse.
Work is work. My Deputy has been on leave for the past three weeks which means I am staying somewhat more active than usual. Even had a couple of days of coming in early and leaving late. I expect things will quiet down for us during the annual Ulchi Freedom Guardian (UFG) military exercise. It starts today and runs for the next two weeks. I have no part to play which is a good thing because I’m not subject to General Order #1 (forbidding consumption of alcohol during the exercise among other things). Anyway, things are good with the Army. We are ready to “fight tonight” if need be, but I expect Mr. Kim will not be so foolish as to test our resolve and readiness.
I’ve been working on the walking and making some progress in re-losing the weight I gained when I was sick. Although technically I’m still sick I suppose (COPD doesn’t go away, best you can hope for is that it doesn’t get worse). The meds are controlling the symptoms though and I’m feeling pretty good for an old fucker. I hope to keep it that way!
Always something interesting to see when you are hiking about. I guess we know what the secret ingredient must be in those waffles!
Weather wasn’t that great this weekend but I did manage to get in a couple of nice bike rides between rain storms.
The quality of this photo is crap, but the water lilies were in full bloom on the backside of Camp Humphreys.
And so that leaves the drinking aspect of my life. I do that every night. I consider it self medicating for my physic pain. Not sure that it helps all that much, but I do seem to be getting a good night sleep lately.
That’s what the inebriated me looked like on Friday night…
So, as I mentioned above with the exercise ongoing for the next two weeks the bars will be even lonelier than normal. I’m guessing some won’t even bother opening. On the other hand, I stand to be the youngest customer in some. I’ll probably even be more popular than normal with the bar staff. We shall see.
In other news, I did some shopping at the Osan Air Base on Saturday. That always includes a lunch at Arby’s. America’s Roast Beef Yes sir!
What with civil war fixing to break out any day now back in the USA, I’m wanting to get me one of these.
Can you hear me now?
And finally, it seems Facebook is fucking with my mind lately. It has this feature where it shares a memory from the same day in the past. Yesterday I got this:
That was on a trip to the East Sea on August 19 several years ago.
And this one was August 19 one year ago.
Today featured a 2011 post commemorating my proposal of marriage to Jee Yeun and her acceptance. That certainly didn’t go as planned.
Anyway, it hurts to be reminded sometimes. I constantly reassure myself though that there are worse things than being lonely.
There are places I remember All my life though some have changed Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places have their moments With lovers and friends I still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life I’ve loved them all
I saw this on yesterday’s walk about and for some reason it made me sad:
A metaphor for my lonely life perhaps?
It turned out to be a very strange day. Out of the blue I heard from three different women that in the past have professed their love for me. I guess it’s nice to be remembered and I also sometimes think of them. But I’m alone by choice. It’s safer that way.
I do feel sorry for whatever pain I’ve caused them on account of my bitter selfishness, but there is nothing I can do to change that. I’m a broken man and loving me is a big mistake. I have nothing to give in return. That’s just the way it goes.
Well, settling into my small town life. Not much happening that is blog worthy, but I do feel a sense of obligation to keep my loyal readers informed about the mundane details of my so-called life.
But what to write about? Well, sometimes inspiration just comes walking through the door. Literally.
Last night I’m sitting in Shooters bar finishing my final beer of the evening when a couple walks through the door. I had to turn and look because people actually coming into Shooters is an infrequent event. The guy looks at me and says “I know you, John”. Now, I’m pretty drunk and my memory ain’t what it once was, but he didn’t look familiar at all. Seeing my confusion he tells me “I read your blog”. Outstanding! Nice to meet you David!
In over 12 years of blogging meeting a random stranger who follows LTG has only happened a handful of times. It’s always surprising to me. I know a couple of friends and family members visit here regularly, but I usually just write as if I had no audience (yeah, I know it shows). That people find enough amusement or interest or maybe pity that keeps them coming back for more is really quite humbling. Sincerely, thank you all!
Anyway, David and his lovely Korean wife (sorry, the name escapes me now) invited me to join them at their table. How could I refuse? David also works on base and he was wearing a Scrooge Pub shirt (a bar I also used to frequent in Seoul). Plus, he enjoys throwing darts. So we had quite a bit in common. Had a nice chat and a couple of friendly dart games. It was a nice way to end the evening for me.
It’s a small and random world after all.
New friends in town and the inspiration for this post.
Better to ask and be disappointed than to always wonder what if…?
I was thinking back to the last time I felt a strong attraction/connection to a person I had just met. I would have been 25 years old and recently divorced. I walked into a bank and when the teller smiled at me it just about floored me. I probably stared longer than politeness allows, but she was just amazing.
Unfortunately, my self-esteem was at a low ebb and I just took for granted that she was out of my league. Couldn’t get her out of my head though and on Valentines Day I sent her a dozen roses anonymously. Several months later I accepted a job in Fort Smith, Arkansas and went into the bank to close out my account. Sure enough, the beautiful lass was once again my teller.
As my business was completed, I told her how much I had appreciated her kindness and warm smile during my time as a customer. She exclaimed “Oh my God! It was you! I’ve been trying to figure out all this time who sent me those roses!” I confessed to having been a secret admirer since that first day I had seen her. She looked me in the eyes and said “I wish you would have told me”.
There was a lesson to be learned from that. Who knows if she was “the one” I let get away. Odds are that I would have fucked up that relationship like all the others in my life, but maybe not. Well, you can’t go back in time but all these years later I’ve remembered being rejected is not the worst possible outcome.
“Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.”
― Richard Bach
I’m driving to Seoul in the morning for a meeting with the President of the Korean Employees Union. After work, I’ll make my way to Seoul station and catch the Airport Express train to Incheon. My flight doesn’t depart until 2200 and arrives in Angeles City at 0100. I’ll spend the night early morning there then catch the bus to Subic at 0845.
Meanwhile, commenter and blog buddy Kevin Kim hopes I find the meaning I seek in the PI. Well, whatever meaning means anyway. Hell, I’d settle for some good old fashioned contentment.
Interestingly, a vlogger I follow seems to be in a similar place. He characterizes it as finding his purpose. I can really relate to that. I don’t want to be the guy sitting at the bar at 10 a.m. because I don’t know what else to do with myself. And really, when you are retired you have to have something meaningful to occupy your time. I’m hoping I’ll make some social connections through darts and joining the Hash club. And perhaps enjoying the beach and bay views will be enough. Time will tell.
And then, one of my favorite writers, Steve Rosse, posted this piece today. It spoke to me on several levels, but I’m still processing those lessons. More to come on that perhaps.
And of course, spending time on the road (21,500 steps today) invariably leads to some subliminal messaging from YouTube.
Say something, I’m giving up on you I’ll be the one, if you want me to Anywhere, I would’ve followed you Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I am feeling so small It was over my head I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall I’m still learning to love Just starting to crawl
Say something, I’m giving up on you I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you Anywhere, I would’ve followed you Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride You’re the one that I love And I’m saying goodbye
Say something, I’m giving up on you And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you And anywhere, I would have followed you Oh, oh, oh, oh say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something, I’m giving up on you Say something
I gave up a long time ago, but the song still stings. Ah well, off to bed. New adventures await.
I’ve never been a particularly patient man. And lately I seem to be in a perpetual bad mood. Little things I could and should ignore just irk the hell out of me for some reason. Or maybe I’ve just become the proverbial grumpy old man.
My irritation seems to manifest itself most often in bars. Not surprising I suppose since I spend too much time in bars these days. I guess the bar I frequent most often is IDK. They have darts and a reasonably friendly staff. But I stopped in early on Friday night and was served my customary Miller Lite beer. There were a couple of guys playing pool and me alone at the bar. They were playing the crappiest music I’ve ever heard (hip hop?) at an eardrum piercing loud volume. Now, I can tolerate crappy music. I can put up with loud music. But crappy and loud crosses the line. I could have said something I suppose, but it’s not my bar or my place to tell them how to run it. Instead I voted with my feet. Plopped W7000 on the bar (6 for the beer and a tip) stood up and headed for the door. The owner was surprised because I never only have one beer and asked me what’s wrong. I just pointed at my ears, shook my head, and walked out. I was back last night for the dart tournament and the music was played at a more reasonable volume.
I have crossed a couple of other bars off my circuit for various minor irritations. I don’t have to put up with bullshit so why should I? One thing I don’t like is being asked to buy a drink for the bartender. I’m pretty damn generous in that regard and I’ll normally make the offer in due course. I usually do it as a reward for good conversation/friendly service. But not likely if I’m asked or its expected. I understand a lot of the gals make “commission” on drinks they receive, but that whole “juicy girl” routine is not my style. I’d rather be alone than pay for company.
Anyway, if I had a life I wouldn’t be spending so much time in the bars I suppose. It’s a social thing because I do need to get out of the house and be around people. Here in Pyeongtaek most of the bar scene caters to young soldiers, not exactly my demographic. Still, I got drunk with a group of combat engineers the other night. It’s all a little fuzzy but I remember this song was being sung.
In other news, I got a series of text messages from the woman who parked her car in my driveway. It was clear she was using a translation app, but I played along. We did the name exchange and the what do you do here thing. She asked me if I had any plans this weekend and I’m thinking “hmm, this might get interesting”. When I said I had nothing going on, she started in on the going to church thing. Damn. Told her I wasn’t religious and didn’t need to be saved. And suddenly she lost interest in chatting. Oh well.
I had a successful work day in Seoul on Thursday and spent a few hours in Shenanigans afterwards. I guess folks were glad to see me, so that was nice.
Left my hotel at 0530 for the drive back to Pyeongtaek and encounter no traffic jams or vehicle malfunctions. Didn’t get lost either. My Waze app did the job even though I didn’t understand a word she was saying. I can follow the arrows!
What an exciting life I’m leading here in the countryside! I’ve got pictures to prove it:
I don’t know if this is a custom restaurant or a costume restaurant. I did note that if I ever get a hankering for dog stew, this is the place to go. And no, I’ve never had nor will I ever have the desire to dine on dog.
Rice planting season is in full swing. I’m told the real joy comes when the start applying fertilizer. Woo Hoo! Something else to look forward to.
Quite a lot of Filipinos in the area. Although contrary to what the sign indicates none were for sale or on the menu…
Discovered this park on my hike around the neighborhood this morning…
And this one. I’ll give the city leaders credit, they’ll put a park up anywhere that is not suitable for rice cultivation.
I’ll keep holding on.
Can you help me remember how to smile? Make it somehow all seem worthwhile How on earth did I get so jaded? Life’s mysteries seem so faded
I took the afternoon off work to go on a quest to find the Good Morning Hospital. My Waze app, despite being in Korean, got me there with no problemo. Finding the parking lot was another story. But eventually I did.
I was without a clue (shuddup!) when I walked in the doors of GMH so I was happy to see the Foreigner information desk.
And the English spoken here was surprisingly good. Noteworthy in fact. So the way it works is you tell these folks why you are there (COPD) and then they walk you over to the appropriate physician and serve as your translator. Well, my main goal was to get some prescription refills and make sure I didn’t have anything else to worry about The pulmonary doc I saw didn’t seem to be all that concerned so either he doesn’t give a shit or I am not in any immediate danger. He did take an x-ray and told me I don’t have pneumonia. So there’s that.
They’ve already given me an affectionate nickname at Good Morning– Jo*. Hell, I’ve been called worse.
Anyway, another nice feature is they fill your prescriptions right there at the hospital. Easy Peazy. Although two of the drugs I requested were not available, so I’ll have to find them on the economy I reckon.
These are the drugs I did bring home from GMH.
Add them into my other daily drugs and I’ve just about reached the pharmacy level.
Anyway, the hospital is about 15 minutes away by car and I’m glad to know where it is in case of emergency.
When I got back to the house there was ANOTHER car parked in my carport. What the hell? I called the number on the windshield and a woman answered. Apparently she was getting her hair done at the salon across the street from my palace. She came running out all apologetic and she was pretty cute for a fortyish gal (meaning hadn’t gone full ajumma). I tried to flirt a little bit, but alas, her English was next to non-existent. And of course with my limited Korean all I could have asked is get me a beer please. By way of explanation she did go to Google translate on her phone which told me that my house had been vacant for a long time and she thought that it still was. Fair enough.
Tomorrow I’ll be driving up to Seoul to attend a couple of three meetings. Will spend the night, take leave on Friday, and come back down to Pyeongtaek for the long Memorial Day weekend.
Farewell to Seoul, my home for most of these past 12 years. It’s been swell and sometimes hell, but the memories will last a lifetime.
but new adventures await.
Thanks to Shenanigans for the alcohol fueled farewell last night. It was good to see so many familiar faces one last time. I’ll post some photos when I get home.
This morning I’ll check out of the Crown Hotel (okay for less the $50 a night), catch up on some emails at the office, then meet my landlord at my former residence where hopefully some money (in the form of my deposit) will change hands. I left the place cleaner than I found it, that’s for sure.
Back to the office for a pizza and cake event to celebrate the May birthdays on my team, after which I’ll load up my work computer, and head on down the highway for Camp Humphreys.
I created a little excitement in Shenanigans last night. I had been enjoying a couple of gin and sodas and chatting with some dart league friends. I remember standing up and coughing. And then I remember being helped up off the floor spewing blood from my mouth.
I hate when that happens.
And it has happened before. Back in February 2006 I had a black out in Dolce Vita. That earned me an ambulance ride and a bunch of stitches in my forehead. Stupid is as stupid does, eh?
I guess you might say that blacking out and falling down in Itaewon bars is something of a tradition with me. I couldn’t very well leave town without one last fall for old times sake, now could I?
Last night’s tumble went down just like the first two incidents. I stood up, I coughed, blacked out, and went face first into a table. This time I came away with only a split lip, so I’ll consider myself lucky.
And for the record, I was not drunk, nor was I drunk the other two times. The fact that it only seems to occur in bars is purely coincidental. I’m not sure what it is all about, the combination of standing and coughing seems to create a lack of oxygen flow to the brain or something. Hell, I don’t know. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen frequently and it’s always good for a blog post.
As I was being helped up from the floor and regaining consciousness, I was in a dream-like happy place. I didn’t want to leave there. It wasn’t exactly a “walk towards the light” moment, but if that is what dying feels like it won’t be so bad. Of course, there is only one way to find out and I’m really not THAT curious!
I guess you could call it the long goodbye. But really, no one cares. The Itaewon churn continues apace. Faces come, faces go. I’m sure I won’t be missed. It is what it is.
Friday I took Seri and Dennis for a pizza lunch at Gino’s. It was Seri’s birthday. Now, regular readers may recall that Seri was once my boss and now I am her boss. Dennis was just rehired this week. He used to be Seri’s boss but now she is his boss. Funny how that works out.
Friday night I was asked to man the grill for a newlywed couple I know from Shenanigans. I’m no grill master, but it was just burgers and franks. No one complained.
Some of the guests..
To be honest, I’m so bitter that even being around happy couples bums me out. That’s wrong I know, but it’s how I feel. Anyway, I finished my cooking chores and left without engaging with the party participants. I guess I’ve graduated from being the creepy old guy to being the anti-social asshole. Ah well.
Went to Grand Ole Opry and got drunk alone again. Naturally.
But, I walked the LONG way home without incident. Actually, don’t really remember much about it, but the photo is evidence that I was there!
Saturday night was more of the same. Jim, probably the oldest friend still remaining in Itaewon, joined me for a drink at Shenanigans. I appreciated that opportunity to say goodbye. I then made my way to Debut to say farewell to Jin Hee, the bargirl I’ve had a fondness for these past 10 years or so. Feelings that have never been reciprocated, but such is life.
Did some packing today. Mostly just emptied out some drawers. The movers on Thursday can pack out the rest.
The final Seoul Sunday crockpot featured meatballs. Not bad if I do say so myself.
Had my best week ever walking wise. 175,000 steps, everyday 20,000+, with a high of 33,000 on Tuesday. Not so hard when you don’t have a life. Still, this weekend the dust was a challenge. Lots of coughing and sneezing as a result.
So there you have it, the last weekend of so many in Seoul. I’m ready to put this life behind me. Hopefully in doing so I can leave the sadness behind as well. Too many memories haunt me here. I need to let it go.
An odd weekend. Closing out the Seoul chapter of my so-called life left me feeling a little more melancholy than usual, Well, by my reckoning this was my penultimate weekend here. Soon I’ll be feeling blue in a new city. Something to look forward to for sure!
Facebook kicked things off by sharing this reminder of what I had and what I lost.
But on Friday night I got to help Natasha celebrate her birthday at Shenanigans.
And it is always nice to spend time with Sohee.
Kisses for the birthday girl!
Of course, everyone was coupled up as usual. Happy for them all and they will be missed.
On Saturday I played in my final Seoul International Dart League tournament. Can you spot the ol’ Walrus in this photo? I threw like shit and got knocked out early. I stayed and drank, then finished the night sitting alone at the bar at Grand Ole Opry. Which made me feel like a loser for the second time that day.
So I got up Sunday morning and did my best to walk those blues away. It helped some.
Ah well, at least I still have my sense of humor.
Such as it is.
Help, I’m steppin’ into the Twilight Zone Place is a madhouse Feels like being cloned My beacons been moved Under moon and star Where am I to go Now that I’ve gone too far
Happy Easter for those who believe in that sort of thing.
I found an egg today. Or it found me. During my hike an Church ajumma insisted I take it. Happy Easter!
Long time no post, eh? Sorry about that. I’ve been both busy and unmotivated. What can I say? Well, let’s ketchup!
This past week I was busy keeping a promise. I’m glad I did even if I am not the same man I was back when I made that promise. I’m sorry for any hurt that may have caused.
Speaking of promises, this month marked the fourth anniversary of the vows Jee Yeun made but did not keep. Well, as long as she is happy now.
There is no question that I’m dead inside. It is just the way it is. I’ve accepted it.
You know, I don’t want to come off as being some pussy who can’t get over a broken heart. I’m over it and I would certainly never go back to where I was. It’s done. But the reality is also that I’m haunted by memories of what I had and lost. The things that used to bring me joy in life are now painful reminders of my foolish belief in love. And wherever I go and whatever I do, it seems I am confronted by the past. It is one reason I need to leave Korea, sooner rather than later.
I’m a selfish bastard for sure. I’m going to embrace that and live a selfish life in the Philippines. It is who I am and what I’ve become. There is peace in acceptance.
But enough about me. Ha! Just kidding.
I’ve given my 30 day notice to the landlord. Looks like next stop for me will be lovely Pyeongtaek. I’m still targeting a September re-retirement and move to Subic Bay. But my Uncle Sam has enticed me to stay on through the Eighth Army transformation out of Seoul by providing me LQA (living quarters allowance). That saves me two grand a month and these days I’m all about the money!
Since my last post here I made a trip down to Camp Humphreys to check out our new office space in the Eighth Army headquarters building. Not bad at all. While there I had a realtor show me around some of the amazing properties available. He asked me where I wanted to live and I said “walking distance”. “To work?” he asked. Nope, to the bars. I reckon that to be 20 minutes drunken stumbling max. So, somewhere in Anjeong-ri right outside the main gate would be ideal. The realtor of course wants to show me big new expensive places, and I just want something simple and convenient.
I guess the compromise was this single family house right in the middle of Anjeong-ri.
4 bedrooms/4 baths (2 down, 2 up). Way to much house for me, but…
Real nice kitchen area too. We’ll see. The problem is I need something fully furnished and I’m only going to be around for 4 months, give or take. Doesn’t make me an attractive prospect for landlords.
I’ll need to do some more looking and see what happens.
There’s this nice restaurant right across the street. Or maybe it’s a pet shop. Have to check it out.
Speaking of work, here’s a picture of the meeting between the Korean Employees Union and the Ambassador. Well, former ambassador now… I’m the left handed guy…
Also this month was siblings day…here’s me and the brothers when life was much simpler…
I actually got asked this question by my Army doctor. Gave a similar response…
Sharing the fun with three of my employees on a recent Friday night…
Sounds like good advice…
…except when it isn’t. A conundrum…
Spent some time up North last week. It was pretty quiet…
Why yes. Yes I am.
Everything put together, sooner or later falls apart.
On the border…
I made it a few steps into North Korea but these guys weren’t going to let me go any further.
See what I missed?
I also had business in Busan. Not with this mermaid…
When the lights go down in the city…
Back in Seoul for my river walk on Saturday…
On the river.
And today it was Namsan.
Found the broom but no trace of the wicked witch of the Easter.
It’s been a long time since I broke the 30,000 step barrier…
Still crazy after all these years.
Ah well, it is what it is. I’ll try and do better.
Spending time in bars, more often alone than not, provides ample opportunity for introspection and observation. I’ve mentioned before my growing sense of disconnection from the Korea life I’ve lived. Several old time friends have departed recently and I’m not really putting forth much effort to make new ones. Seems I’ve become the proverbial old man living with his memories of happier times.
Well, obviously whatever isolation I’m experiencing is largely of my own making. I’ve gotten better at being alone and the truth is I don’t really have the patience or willingness to allow someone to intrude into the relative peace and safety of the solitary confinement I’ve constructed. It’s not the life I had imagined, but its good enough. For now, anyway.
Anyway, don’t mistake this meditation as me feeling sorry for myself. I’m actually quite optimistic about the future. A future in which I put 12 years in Korea behind me. I think what prompted this thinking was encountering some other folks this weekend who seem to be struggling with their own versions of isolation, remorse, and hopelessness. In a city of 13 million there are bound to be many lonely and empty lives on display. It still makes me sad to see though.
Having said that, I had a pretty fine (and drunken) Saturday night hanging out with my nephew Justin and my communist friend Choonae.
And this was when we were just getting started!
After reaching the appropriate level of inebriation I suggested we abandon Shenanigans and make our way up Hooker Hill for a visit to the oldest bar in Itaewon, Grand Ole Opry. Justin and Choonae were drunk enough to agree and so off we went.
Choonae had never been to a country Honky Tonk so it was interesting to see her reaction. She’s also quite a dancer (Salsa being her specialty) and she was fascinated watching folks do the Texas two-step and Country Swing dances. She stood beside our table and emulated the footsteps involved. And after one particularly good dancer (a Korean gentlemen) returned to his seat with his date, Choonae walked over and asked him to show her how to dance. He did, and she picked it up right away.
I might have mentioned that I was drunk, which gave me the courage to do some dancing myself. I’m nowhere near as good as I once was (nor even as good once as I ever was), but that didn’t stop me. Justin captured some video evidence of my foolhardiness.
Anyway it was a fun time and I successfully stumbled home sometime after 2 a.m. (with a detour to Taco Bell).
I was hungover and lazy most of the day but forced myself to get off my ass and take a walk in the afternoon.
Not bad considering.
And the good news is my new meds seem to be helping quite a lot. Haven’t needed my nebulizer at all today and just used my inhaler a couple of times (pre and post walk). Here’s hoping that continues!
There is no pain you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon You are only coming through in waves Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse Out of the corner of my eye I turned to look but it was gone I cannot put my finger on it now The child is grown The dream is gone I have become comfortably numb.
Yesterday afternoon found me back at the Brian Allgood Army Community Hospital for a follow-up visit to get the results of my two CT exams (chest and abdomen) and my PFT (pulmonary function test). This was my fourth visit to the base hospital and also the fourth different doctor I’ve seen there. Not getting to see the same doctor twice is a function of being in the Space A (space available) category. Soldiers and their families come first, as it should be, and us civilians are at the bottom of the pecking order. So, I call in and get assigned to any doctor with an open spot. Honestly, each of the docs have been excellent. They actually come and spend some quality time having a conversation about my health issues and there is never a rush or a sense that they have better things to do. A much more satisfactory experience than anything I’ve encountered in the Korean hospitals, and truthfully, better than any care I received back in the USA as well.
I had the chest CT a couple of weeks ago. A nurse called me and said my lungs looked pretty good considering the abuse I’ve put them through (25 years of smoking). There was a small nodule on the left lung that might be nothing, but she advised I needed to have another CT in a year just to be sure. She told me the doctor wanted me to do an abdomen CT, so I got that done on Tuesday.
No, I didn’t try suicide. It took the nurse three tries to find a vein that would accept having the CT dye injected. Finally had to settle for the wrist…
During the CT the fire alarms went off which was a little disconcerting. They finished the test though, then escorted me out of the hospital. I’m pretty sure it was just a drill.
Anyway, my physician yesterday was a young Army Captain. Even though Dr. Pence had not ordered the tests, he had obviously reviewed the results before he sat down with me. He said the lung nodule was 3 mm in size and could be from previous damage or could be a precursor to lung cancer. So yeah, I’ll get that checked next year for sure.
The abdomen CT was clear. Woot! What about the PFT? Well, it confirmed the COPD diagnosis and revealed that my lung function is at Stage 2 (moderate) of the disease. COPD is progressive and irreversible. All that can be done is to take steps to slow its progress and delay reaching “end stage” for as long as possible. So, that’s my plan. I figure on dragging it out for 20 years or so.
I told Dr. Pence that I planned to move to the Philippines in a few months and asked him if the hot and humid weather would cause me any problems. He said that on the contrary, those conditions would be much better for my condition than the cold and polluted environment of Seoul. So, there you have it. I’m going to live in the PI because it is what the doctor ordered!
Anyway, I’ve not had the shortness of breath issues that led me to the ER last month. I have a chronic cough that wakes me up at night and I’m still hocking up sputum. I’ve been using albuterol in my nebulizer and through my inhaler. Dr. Pence noted that during during my PFT the albuterol had limited effect. So he prescribed two additional meds to be inhaled. Both are in a powder form, sorta like cocaine I suppose.
They come with these fancy dancy inhalers so I don’t have to roll up a dollar bill and snort it up my nose. Not that I wold know anything about that…
That’s the story of my health. Long may I live!
In other news…
I’m not letting diminished lung capacity keep me from completing my appointed rounds. I have noticed I don’t have the stamina I used to enjoy, but with my trusty inhaler I’m still able to get the steps in.
And I’m dealing with the agony of de feet…
And it is encouraging to know that there are in fact honest women out there in the world!
This morning I will be visiting the Brian Allgood Army Community Hospital. I’m going to have a chest CT and a pulmonary function test. Although I am much improved, I still encounter episodes of shortness of breath and an occasional coughing jag. I’d rate myself 90% better, and with my trusty inhaler and nebulizer I can self-medicate when I have an incident. These tests today ought to help confirm the earlier COPD diagnosis and might lead to a different treatment regimen. We shall see.
Got in some decent walking this weekend, although my stamina is still nowhere near what it was prior to my illness. I’ll keep after it though. One step at a time. Heh.
And now for some pictures!
Some might say HUGE!
So, my Korean haircuts include this facial thing. Daughter says I look like Hannibal Lecter.
My son celebrated his 39th birthday last week. By my reckoning that makes him several years older than me now.
A nice memory of my recent visit to the PI where I made the acquaintance of John, Joe and Anna. I’m ready to go back!
Walked home from work one day last week and encountered some snowflakes.
Out for some drinks on Friday night and who shows up but Ben and his lovely wife Leah on a date night. First met them back in Columbia, SC a few years back and now here they are again.
Other friends I encountered on Friday night, Mike, Eve, and Choonae.
Saturday was Namsan day…
I observed the last dying embers of winter…
And a sure sign of spring…rooftop dining!
But best of all was finding these fresh strawberries at a local market in Kyongridawn. Made my Sunday smoothie sweet indeed.
Out alone as usual on Saturday night. I’m such a rogue after all…
Wound up in Grand Ole Opry where I ran into a memory of Eun Oke.
Now I wind up staring at an empty glass Because it’s so easy to say that you’ll forget your past...
Another Valentine’s Day being spent on my own. And truthfully, that’s pretty much the way I choose to be. But it weren’t always so. And it seems there is always something there to remind me when I wasn’t alone.
Delving through my old posts on the Philippines information board I frequent, I came across something I wrote back in August 2009 called “My Dilemma”:
So next month marks an anniversary. One year since my last visit to the PI. You guys with PPD (post Philippines Depression) can imagine how much worse it is when you don’t know when, or if, you will return to paradise.
See, next August I am eligible to retire and can draw a generous (and well earned I might add) government pension. I could live comfortably almost anywhere, but in the PI I could live like a rich man. And that has a certain appeal to me.
What’s the problem then? Well, as the old Elvin Bishop song says “I fooled around and fell in love”. With a Korean woman.
Now, this woman is 93% perfect. She takes care of all my needs in a way that is beyond anything I ever imagined. And I’m a man who likes to be taken care of. She does everything for me down to the smallest detail without complaint. In fact, she tells me it is “her pleasure”. She is an amazing lover and an old fashioned good hearted woman. I go to the bars about three nights a week for darts, and she never complains. She comes along and has actually become a pretty big fan of the game. All my friends think she is great and her family seems to have taken a liking to me as well. When I got sick last year, she was at my side in the hospital 24/7. Hell, to reference another old song, she’s like the gal The Band sang about: “up on cripple creek she sends me/if I spring a leak/she mends me/I don’t have to speak/she defends me/a drunkards dream if I ever did see one…”
Yep, I’d have a hard time finding anyone better for me in this world than her.
So, you may be thinking, “what’s the dilemma?”. The 7% of the GF that is not perfect is that she is extraordinarily jealous. Almost to the point of being insane about it.
And she found my collection of photos from previous trips to the Philippines. She says seeing me with those “young girls” just makes her sick to her stomach. She deleted them all.
Now, even hearing the word Philippines enrages her. And whenever there’s a Filipina in a bar she accuses me of staring at her and tells me “I love Filipino women too much!”.
She accessed my email and found communications with a platonic friend in the PI and went nuts.
If I go to a filipino bar I like here in Seoul she gets pissed.
She checks the messages/call history on my cell phone.
She checks the stamps in my passport when I travel.
She counts the frickin’ money in my wallet to make sure I’m not spending money on others.
In other words, that 7% is getting to be a real pain in the ass.
But damn, she does love me, and you know, there is something to be said for being loved.
But any future I might have with her, means there is no Philippines in my future.
And she is right about one thing–I truly do love the Pinays.
Hence my dilemma. One year out from retirement and I need to be firming up plans. If I stay in Korea with her, it means getting married (will need a visa). If I’m going to the PI to retire, well, I need to be going there and making some decisions.
I’m stuck at 50-50 on the pros and cons. I mean, I could pay someone in the PI to take care of all those nice things my GF gives me free. But as the Beatles so astutely noted, “Money can’t buy me love”.
I guess it’s a good thing to have choices in life. But it feels pretty fucked up right now.
Well, of course regular readers know that I chose love over the Philippines. And as it turned out, I chose wrong. I’m still not really over it and I definitely don’t understand it. But there is of course no going back. I can only lament the wasted time.
But as Facebook reminds me today, there were moments of love. I even made a movie about it, circa 2013.
Painful to watch now. And for those who say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, I call bullshit.
One thing is for sure, I am bound and determined to never love again. Don’t need it, don’t want it. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Mem’ries, Light the corners of my mind Misty water-colored memories Of the way we were Scattered pictures, Of the smiles we left behind Smiles we gave to one another For the way we were Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again Tell me, would we? Could we? Mem’ries, may be beautiful and yet What’s too painful to remember We simply choose to forget So it’s the laughter We will remember Whenever we remember… The way we were… The way we were…
I won’t call it a miracle, but I’m feeling almost normal these past few days. Practically no cough, little sputum, sleeping through the night, and most importantly, no breathing issues.
Maybe it’s the drugs. The Prednisone (a steroid) keeps the lungs clear. The Azithromycin is a strong antibiotic. The Albuterol is a bronchodilator that I’ve only used a couple of times so far, mostly as a preemptive measure before engaging in physical activity. With the exception of the inhaler, my meds run out this week.
Shouldn’t be an issue as I was instructed to do a follow-up visit on Wednesday. Ah, but I got caught up in a classic Army catch-22 situation. I called to schedule the appointment but was told as a “Space A” (space available) patient, I can only call in at noon on the day I want treatment and will only be scheduled should, well, space be available. Now, I understand and support that military members should get first priority. But it was an Army doctor who told me to come back. The schedulers couldn’t help, rules being rules and all. I called the patient advocate and she confirmed that notwithstanding doctor’s orders, I could not schedule an appointment in advance. Given that it took me three days of trying to get my first appointment I expressed concern that any needed refills of my prescriptions would not be forthcoming in a timely way. She suggested I use on off-base provider. So, it looks like the Hilarious Dr. Yoo remains in my future. It’s okay, at least I have a diagnosis.
These kids came marching by my villa making a gawd awful noise at 0900 yesterday. Not sure why. The first full moon of the lunar new year perhaps?
It was a bitterly cold morning but I got out in it anyway determined to tackle my old nemesis, Namsan. Made it to the base of the steps to the top and then thought better of it. Too soon to push my self that hard. Did get in close to 20,000 steps though.
Sometimes there is a poetry to walking…
…if you know where to look, the signs are all there.
Not bragging but one of my staff members suggested I be nominated for an Equal Opportunity and Diversity award.
“- You’re all about providing equal opportunity to Asian women who want to date you. – You promote diversity by connecting with various women in Asia. – You frequently visit Asian countries and promote their economic growth by spending your money at their hotels, bars, shopping malls, and restaurants.
– And lastly, you adhere to equal employment opportunity by hiring a Asian women who’s also over 40.”
Oh lord, it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way!
Speaking of the office, we have a new addition:
It’s kind of an intimidating photo, don’t you think? I feel like he’s saying “get to work McCrarey or you’re fired!” No worries, his civilian hiring freeze is keeping me plenty busy these days…
What else? Well, this proved to be a sad reminder of my reality:
Well, I won’t be fooled again!
I leave Friday for ten warm days in the tropical Philippines. Am I excited?
Why, yes. Yes I am!
Pulled pork in the crock pot and a Han River stroll on tap.
Life is good when you are feeling good. Let’s keep it that way!
Feel free to skip this post if you are weary of hearing my tales of woe regarding my health.
Okay, for the rest of you then…
Today I successfully secured a coveted appointment at the Brian Allgood Army Community Hospital on my third day of trying. Oddly enough, I started experiencing shortness of breath about an hour before my 5 o’clock appoint. And it was the worst occurrence I’ve ever had. I was having difficulty even talking to the intake nurse about my symptoms. The took my blood pressure (185/100!) then I met with the doctor. He could immediately see I was in some pretty serious distress and asked me how often this condition occurred. I breathlessly explained that I never let it get this bad since acquiring my nebulizer. The good doc said let’s get you some nebulization going now and while I was inhaling that sweet relief, he listened to my chest and apparently didn’t like what he heard.
As is usually the case, I felt better almost immediately. But apparently my blood oxygen was staying in the low 80s (normal is 95+) which meant I was experiencing Hypoxemia. That’s not good and the doc wanted me to visit the emergency room then and there. And so naturally I did.
The took my blood pressure again (still over 180), did an EKG, and started me on another round of nebulaziton.
Suckin’ in the ER.
Then they wheeled me down to x-ray to get a gander at my lungs.
My first ever ride in a wheelchair on the way to the x-ray department. Whee! (I’ll be happy if it is my last ride in one though).
At least I had something to read.
By the time I got back to the ER I was feeling much better and my vitals confirmed it (blood pressure back down in the normal for me 140s, and blood oxygen back in the high 90s. So, now I wanted to hear the long elusive diagnosis. Doctor says it seems to be a case of Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). Damn, I was afraid he was going to say that! (A couple of friends had suggested that may be my problem, but I was in denial).
There it is, the price I paid for 25 years of moderate smoking. The fact that I’ve been off tobacco for over 2 years now is certainly a positive. It appears my COPD is still in the early stages, and there are things I can do to slow it’s progress. So, that’s what I will do. We all got to die of something, but my death is far from imminent. My dad had COPD and made it to 83. That’s a worthwhile goal I reckon.
I came home with some drugs and an inhaler and instructions to return for a follow-on visit in a week.
In the meantime, it is always possible I will run into someone like this: