Sometimes you have to let love go before you can find it again.
Old dreams must die before new dreams are born.
Go ahead and call me Captain Obvious, but those were insights gleaned during this past week’s walking extravaganza.
And what a week of walking it was!
184,658 total steps
Avg. 26,380 steps per day. ▲10,281 more than last week
88.28 total miles ▲ 13.60 miles over last week
I do believe that was a record breaker. This week my goal is to cross the 200,000 step threshold. That will require some massive walks over the weekend, but weather permitting I’ll push myself to achieve new heights. Is 50,000 steps in a single day possible? I aim to find out. And if I fail, well, I will just take it in stride (ahem).
And I’m down to an even 208 pounds, a loss of 18 pounds in a month. Nine more to go to reach my goal!
Anyway, life goes on much as it always has. I’m sad, but less often. I continue to strive to look forward to the future and not back on my past failures. And there is much to look forward to.
My upcoming trip to Subic/Olongapo for one. It will be difficult in some ways because much that I do there will be filled with memories of Loraine. But I need to man up and move on because I still plan to make my home there come (what) May.
Speaking of which, I discussed the recruitment plan for my replacement here with my Deputy today. We agreed to announce the pending vacancy in mid-February which should afford ample time to get the new person on board around the time I depart.
My days remaining at Camp Humphreys are dwindling down. Less than six months to go by my reckoning.
I’ll probably miss these noisy birds that are always flying around my office…
And the beer is still cold and wet in Anjeong-ri, so there’s that at least.
Heh, I can be both!
Life is good and bound to get gooder one day soon!
There are people in your life who’ve come and gone They let you down, you know they hurt your pride You better put it all behind you, ’cause life goes on You keep carrying that anger, it’ll eat you up inside
I’m learning to live without you now But I miss you, baby The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter But everything changes And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it’s about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore
Yesterday I had the nephew and some friends over to celebrate a belated Thanksgiving with the traditional feast.
My guests–Wan Jun ahd his lovely wife Becky, Dela and her fiance Daniel, and nephew Justin. My friend Dennis was also in attendance but he doesn’t like his face on the internet so he graciously served as our photographer…
The bird. I bought it from Popeye’s on base already cooked and ready to eat. It was actually delicious, one of the moistest turkeys I’ve had in quite some time.
It carved up nicely and provided ample meat for my hungry guests.
The sad remains of the carcass. All gave some, some gave all.
The Popeye’s package came with potatoes and gravy, cole slaw and a dozen dinner biscuits.
I made my Aunt Pat’s Recipe World Famous Fruit Salad, my personal Thanksgiving tradition.
And for the first time ever I prepared a green bean casserole.
I also made candied yams for the first time. Forgot to take a photo, but that’s them on the buffet table just above the cranberry sauce…
I also baked a pecan and a pumpkin pie. By “baked” I mean I took them out of the freezer and put them in the oven for the specified time.
That’s what my full loaded dinner plate looked like.
After we had exhausted the alcoholic beverages at the house we ventured out to the bars to contemplate the true spirit of Thanksgiving…
Wan Jun, Becky and Justin stayed overnight. So I cooked up a little breakfast this morning.
Fried up some bacon…
Baked some blueberry muffins…
And some cinnamon rolls. Wan Jun cooked up some delicious scrambled eggs.
“How’d you guys like your breakfast?”
After I took the group to Pyeongtaek station for the train ride home I embarked on a 3.5 hour walk. I was too busy to get my steps in yesterday and I’m sure that high calorie feast was going to convert to some extra poundage.
A new path today.
And that’s about it from your intrepid reporter.
Except for this sunset shot I took the other day.
Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in a quite awhile. I needed it!
So in those rare moments when I’m not wallowing in self-pity I have been busy with a couple of other things to keep my mind engaged in positive thinking.
For example, today I booked a flight to the Philippines where I will once again welcome in the new year. It’s a positive step in the direction of getting my shit together and moving forward with my future plans. It won’t happen the way I once imagined it would, but there are new dreams to be found, I’m sure of it.
I’ve also been more involved with Asan Angels dog rescue shelter. This place houses 300+ dogs that are in constant need of something, including food. My friend Mi Young has heroically done most of the heavy lifting these past four years almost single handedly. I was able to post some stuff on the Pyeongtaek Living facebook page about the situation and some good hearted people stepped about and created a volunteer group. Now there are dozens of people stepping up to fill the void. It’s been an amazing response and I feel really good about the small role I played in making that happen.
I’m also just now getting involved in helping out a local orphanage. I was hoping to donate some money to the King’s Fil-Am home in Olongapo, but they never responded to my request for where to send a donation. I’m meeting up with one of the volunteers this afternoon to assist in purchasing a washing machine for the orphanage.
Heh, I’ve decided to donate the monthly stipend I was sending Loraine to charity. It feels good to be making a small difference for those who are in a much worse situation than I am. Perspective is a wonderful thing.
Look around me I can see my life before me Running rings around the way it used to be
I am older now I have more than what I wanted But I wish that I had started long before I did
And there’s so much time to make up everywhere you turn Time we have wasted on the way So much water moving underneath the bridge Let the water come and carry us away
So much love to make up everywhere you turn Love we have wasted on the way So much water moving underneath the bridge Let the water come and carry us away Let the water come and carry us away
It’s been a tough month, but I’m making progress. I hope. Reflecting on this day set aside for giving thanks I know that I do indeed have much to be thankful for.
My kids are healthy and immersed in making the best of their lives. My grandchildren are happy, beautiful, and smart. They all represent something good I’ve done in this world, regardless of how much credit is due me.
For an old fucker my health is relatively good, certainly much better than it was a year ago when I had episodes where I couldn’t catch my breath. I’m thankful I’ve been able to get the right meds and make the lifestyle changes to hopefully scratch out a few more years here on earth. Oh yeah, I’m down to 209 pounds, minus 17 since I started the broken heart diet plan. Still drinking too much, but one step at a time.
I’ve got a good job (for the next six months anyway), some money in the bank and I am debt free. Very thankful to not have to worry about finances.
It has been a blessing to have so many people showing how much they care about me. I may not have anyone to love in life, but I am loved by many. That means more to me than you will ever know. Thank you!
And I can even say I’m thankful to Loraine. She taught me that love will find you whether you want it to or not. Loving and losing seems to be my destiny, but I’ve learned that trying to avoid that pain will only lead to more pain down the road. I’ll be smarter and more honest about my feelings in the future. Who knows, maybe one day I might even get lucky in love. It could happen!
It is indeed a beautiful life. I’m thankful to be in the game and I’m looking forward to a future of contentment. Hell, maybe even happiness.
This morning I got up and took an almost four hour walk. It snowed for the first half and that was a nice change of pace. Let’s go to the photos.
I crossed the river and walked along the bike trail
The path less traveled. Heh, Frost and snow…
A thousand miles from nowhere….
See that tower in the distance? That was my destination. I thought I could do it in an hour. Took almost two though.
It stopped snowing just about the time I arrived.
I was a onesome in A Twosome Place. Seems to be my destiny…
So I enjoyed some hot coffee and the views…
And a little later my friend Mi Young, who lives in the neighborhood, dropped by to say hello.
Did the long walk back home without incident, so I’m thankful for that as well.
No feast for me today. My nephew Justin and a couple of friends are coming down from Seoul on Saturday and we will do the traditional turkey and sides then.
Ain’t life grand?
I gotta thank mama for the cookin’ Daddy for the whuppin’ The devil for the trouble that I get into I got to give credit where credit is due I thank the bank for the money Thank God for you
Less than six months left in my working life. This week I’ve had cause to reflect on how much this part of my life has meant to me, especially these past couple of years.
As I look to the future of what I hope and imagine will be a life of leisure, I worry about how I will remain engaged and connected to the world around me. I’ve got some ideas in that regard, but will they really be satisfying? Only one way to find out I suppose.
So, what is it about working that I will miss? This week I had the occasion to participate in the 198th session of the Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA) Joint Committee. Basically, this is where the ROKs and US representatives get together to resolve issues of mutual concern in order to maintain a strong alliance.
It’s a pretty big deal, and it was really an honor for me to participate in what is very likely my last meeting with this group…
It’s always nice to see my name rendered in Hanguel.
I humbly serve as the Chairman of the Labor subcommittee. Which as you might have surmised is involved in resolving issues associated with our 12,000+ Korean National Workforce.
What else? Well, the money is good of course. And working again has allowed me to position myself to live a very comfortable lifestyle in the Philippines or wherever else my heart will lead me.
Today we had a Thanksgiving luncheon for my staff and afterwards I met with the Korean Employees Union leadership. We we able to bring closure to some longstanding issues and they left happy. There is satisfaction in that.
But what I’m going to miss the most is the people I work with. They are truly my work family. Honestly, after the marriage fell apart I was floundering. Having the purpose that work brought me and the respect and friendship I have for my team members made me feel a part of something much bigger than myself. I needed that the most.
(sorry for the pagination. For whatever reason I can’t seem to get paragraph breaks inserted)
I had mentioned in my previous post that I was upset by what I considered rude behavior by Joy on Friday night. Who knew she was a blog reader? After three days of the silent treatment I received this message from her:
I was rude to you ..???
It’s seems like u never grow up
Me rude to you ??? Ur such a liar …
I even give u a big hug and sit next to ur friend ..whoever he is…
And u took ur stuff move to other table ???
You making a scene ??? U acted like a kid ?
And causing me out ???
I am done with you ….
On your blog u were saying I was rude ?!!! … how about you ??? Ur such a drama king and acted like uneducated person …yelling at me in public telling me I’m a fucking bitch …And u said fuck you three times… U WANT ME TO RESPONSE TO YOUR BLOG ? smh
I hate you ..
Well, I already stated on the blog that I had been in the wrong and that I was sorry for my actions. I did not have a clear recollection of what I said, but I knew it was ugly. I’m very ashamed of myself for overreacting this way. I feel bad because I’m sure Joy got hit with a barrage of emotions I’ve been holding inside since the break-up with Loraine.
I’ve messaged Joy to express my sorrow and regret for hurting her with my words. No response. I ran into her on Monday night at the bar where we met and tried to apologize in person, but she turned her back on me.
And with this post I’ve told the world her side of the story, again taken responsibility for what happened, and said I’m sorry for the last time.
Had a nice surprise visit from my old buddy Duke Gates this weekend. I’ve been knowing Duke since around 2005 when he introduced me to the game of darts. He left Korea several years ago, but we’ve stayed in touch more or less. When I was back living in the states we’d always meet up. Haven’t gone back for almost two years now, so he came to me I guess you could say.
Here’s a strange story from the small world of the internets. I’m not sure where or why, but Duke had posted this picture on some website:
That’s me and Duke I’m guessing around 2010 or so.
Anyway, Duke get’s a random message from this girl:
She works at the dart bar I used to frequent here in Angeong-ri and she recognized me. The question she had for Duke was “is he your father?” That cracked us both up.
Anyway, I had planned to take Duke to the bar I Don’t Know the name of, even though I’m probably not welcome there anymore. But alas, they were hosting some kind of private party and we weren’t able to get inside.
So, there’s a father and not his son enjoying some adult beverages in the ville. We did a pretty nice pub crawl on Friday night.
That night did end on a sour note though. I had invited Joy, a woman I was interested in dating (we’ve had a couple of outings, but nothing too serious), to join us. She said she was tired and it was too cold to go out. Well, pretty near the end of our night out drinking we had settled into a bar called The Wall. And lo and behold, who comes waltzing in but Joy. She didn’t come over to greet me however, she was talking to some of the other girls who work there. I came over to say hello and introduce Duke and she made a grudging acknowledgement and moved over to the bar (sitting on the stool I had previously occupied) and started talking to the bartender. I was a bit taken aback and the bar was full, so Duke and I moved over to an empty table to wait. Then when I look up she’s walking out the door with nary a word or a goodbye.
Now, I was hurt and angry about her rudeness. I was also drunk. So I followed her out to the street and said some shit that I almost immediately regretted. And she stormed off into the night. I tried to send her an apology the next morning, but of course she has blocked me on messenger and is not accepting my calls.
Oh well, that’s the way it goes. I’m ashamed of my behavior but I’ve also lost all interest in having this particular Joy in my life.
I’m pretty much resolved to not pursue any romance for my remaining six months in Korea. There’s really no point. I had dinner with Mi Young the other night which was pleasant enough. I think the friend zone will be a safe place for me to stay while I wait to start my new life in the Philippines.
A friend told me “just relax, things could always be worse.” So I relaxed and sure enough, things got worse.
Yesterday afternoon I went to the Good Morning hospital in Pyeongtaek. Yeah, I know, what kind of name is that for a hospital? Anyway, I went to see a urologist. It seems I either have to pee all the time or I have a hard time going at all. My concern was my prostate. My older brother had cancer of the prostate and I was hoping to avoid going down that road.
Anyway, the doctor took some blood to do a PSA screening for cancer, stuck a probe up my ass (which hurt like hell), had me do a urine volume test, and finally an ultrasound on my bladder. And then he gave me the news:
Benign prostate hyperplasia (BPH). That’s fancy talk for an enlarged prostate gland. I don’t do things in a small way, the doc says they usually begin treatment at 20 cms and above. I came in at 43 cms. Oh well, the symptoms are manageable and I’ve got some new pills to swallow every night that are supposed to help.
I asked the doctor about the cancer thing and was told he wouldn’t have the results on that until the following day. So, I called at lunch and was told to call back at 3:30. I called then and got the news. Something I never expect to hear in reference to myself. Yes, it turns out that I am normal. Go figure.
So I guess that things can be worse after all. I’m obviously very relieved to know that I’m going to be able to keep fucking and fucking up for the foreseeable future.
Well, as the old saw goes, when you get bucked off the horse you gotta climb right back on and ride that motherfucker. Been dipping my toes in the dating pond, at least virtually. In between walking and drinking I’ve filled some hours on the Filipina Cupid dating website. It’s a swamp full of scammers and pretenders, but if you are patient you can ferret out some folks who seem at least mildly interesting.
So the way I see it, I’m a well-educated man, successful in most things (excluding love, but no one’s perfect), financially secure, and reasonably attractive for an older gentleman. When I retire to the Philippines next year I’ll certainly be able to give some lucky Filipina a life beyond her wildest imagination. The trick is finding the one who is worthy of all that I have to offer.
I’ve had literally hundreds of women “expressing interest”, indicating I’m their “favorite” and messaging me thus far on Filipina Cupid. While this is certainly soothing to my wounded ego, it’s also a bit of a pain in the ass to sort the wheat from the chaff. My parameters are age 35-50, reasonably attractive, and intelligent enough to hold a decent conversation. The qualities I require include honesty, loyalty and a willingness to stay by my side and care for me through good times and bad. Of course, discerning those attributes over the internet (even pictures can lie) is no easy task. I do read the profiles carefully, and if someone has put forth the effort to actually write something of significance about themselves, I’ll sometimes shoot them a message and start a conversation.
Thus far I’ve identified four potentially worthy of my time. The first one is 41 year old caregiver named Teri, who happens to live in the exact part of Manila where Loraine resides. I’ve not broached the subject, but I expect odds are low that they may actually know each other. Then there is Cora, a 39 year old nurse from elsewhere in Manila. The third is Prences, 38 who does something or other for the city government. And the latest find is 36 year old Jhanez who purports to be some kind of “artist” and lives in a part of the Philippines I’ve never heard of. It’s very early in the vetting process and I’ve only had a video chat with Teri thus far. There’s a long way to go with all of them and I’m in no particular hurry to get there anyway. I certainly won’t be making a decision on any of them (and there will certainly be others) until I’ve met them in person.
And that’s the thing. May is still over 6 months away. I’m not going to start another relationship until I’m on the ground and settled. I could conceivably offer someone the opportunity to be my tour guide when I next visit at the end of December. Teri and Cora have already volunteered to do so but I’ll need to have a lot higher comfort level with anyone I commit to spend my vacation with. Chemistry indeed!
Meanwhile, here in the 3-D world things are much the same as they have always been. I’ve been trying to get a little Joy (a 49 year old Filipina-American I met who works on base) in my life, but thus far we’ve only connected once for dinner at my place (and she brought her roommate with her). We do have regular FB messenger chats. My attempts at courtship are for some reason not being reciprocated. I expect it could be because my departure from Korea is only 6 months away, so what’s the point? My counter argument is that we could at least have some fun and companionship in the interim. I haven’t given up, but I’ll cop to being somewhat frustrated.
I’ve also taken up an English tutoring gig to help my friend Mi Young better her skills so she can get the dental hygienist position she covets at the army base clinic. It’s mostly just conversation, but I do assign her homework which consists of me picking out a blog post from my archives and requiring her to read it and discuss it with me over coffee. Yeah, I’m a bastard to make her suffer through my blog ramblings. We had a very nice conversation last night and she is showing improvement. I’m still stuck firmly in the friend zone with her, but honestly I’m very comfortable there. She is full of wisdom and insights and has really helped me come to terms with this latest heartbreak. I admire and respect her and would not want to ruin that by trying to pursue a romance (which she has made clear she doesn’t want anyway). She did give me a peck on the lips when she left last night, so there’s that.
And that’s where things stand. I’m in no man’s (no woman’s?) land—stuck somewhere between my life in Korea and my coming life in the Philippines. In the meantime I will practice being patient and learning to be satisfied with this beautiful life I’m living.
I can see clearly now Loraine is gone I can see all obstacles in my way Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind It’s gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day It’s gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day
Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone All of the bad feelings have disappeared Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for It’s gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day
Anyway, the long holiday weekend is drawing to a close. I had half-considered going up to Seoul on Saturday, but decided to nix the idea as there is really nothing for me in Seoul either. At least here when I get drunk I can sleep in my own bed.
And yes, I’ve been getting drunk a lot…
Decisions, decisions. What to drink last night? Started out with the red-headed slut. Then I had sex on the beach. Next a blowjob with an orgasm chaser. I’m drunk but strangely satisfied. (that’s a joke, I stuck with beer. But the drink menu lends itself to humor, right?)
A river runs through it. As seen on my walk around Pyeongtaek this morning.
When I wasn’t drinking this weekend, I was walking. Too cold to take the bike out, but I just incorporated those two hours into my walking regimen. I’ve been well over 20,000 steps each day. Weighed in at an even 211 pounds today, that’s down 15 pounds in two weeks. I know that pace can’t be sustained, but I hope with the increase in walking and decrease in eating (I have one full meal a day supplemented with healthy snacks) will get me down to the coveted 199 pounds soon.
Emotionally, I’m still on a roller coaster, but overall I’m making progress. Walking gives me lots of time to think and I’m getting things clearer in my head for the most part.
Forgive us the wrongs we have done, as we forgive the wrongs that others have done to us. (Matthew 6:12)
Look at me, quoting fucking Bible verses for Christ’s sake. Well, yes. Yes I am. One thing I’ve done is forgive myself for the mistakes I made that brought me to this sorry pass. It seems to have helped me let go of the past and prepares me for the next big thing. Whatever the hell that will be.
It won’t be this. That’s Anna, my friendly Filipina bartender at Arirang bar. She’s smart and funny (i.e. she gets and laughs at my jokes) but alas, she is a mere 31 years old. Exactly half my age. I won’t go there. Not that I was invited to do so.
So, I was the only customer in Arirang last night (there’s a military exercise going on, so none of the soldiers are allowed to drink). One of the other girls was playing sad Filipino songs while I told Anna the story of my life (hey, I was buying her drinks, she had to listen!).
Just about the time I was ready to start crying in my beer, she played this song for me:
I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done I let my past go past And now I’m having more fun I’m letting go of the thoughts That do not make me strong And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
I can’t walk through life facing backwards I have tried I tried more than once to just make sure And I was denied the future I’d been searching for But I spun around and hurt no more By living in the moment Living my life Easy and breezy With peace in my mind With peace in my heart Got peace in my soul Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
See, I told you she was smart. Now I’ve got to be smart enough to actually let myself live in the moment. That’s all I have.
It’s been quite awhile since I broke the 30,000 step barrier. Had a tough day yesterday and this filled 4 hours in a positive way.
I’m also down to 212.6 pounds, a loss of nearly 14 pounds in 12 days. Happy about that! I want to see if I can finally break the 200 pound threshold. Lowest I got before was 205.
Got to stay strong!
Like the fool I am and I’ll always be I’ve got a dream, I’ve got a dream They can change their minds but they can’t change me I’ve got a dream, I’ve got a dream Well, I know I can share it if you want me to If you’re going my way, I’ll go with you
Moving me down the highway Rolling me down the highway Moving ahead so life won’t pass me by Moving me down the highway Rolling me down the highway Moving ahead so life won’t pass me by
Accept that the past is the past, learn from your mistakes and move on.
Accept that it hurts to lose, but embrace the opportunity to find a woman truly worthy of my love.
Accept that old dreams die, but new dreams and adventures are waiting to be embraced.
I will not deny that I’ve been battling the onset of depression. But I have not been fighting it alone. I have often felt like the proverbial solitary man, and then I discovered just how many people actually do care about me.
One friend reminded me that I have a beautiful life. I asked for an example of the beauty in my life. And then she told me the story of how I didn’t give my daughter up for adoption. That really blew me away. First of all, I don’t even remember ever telling her about that amazing day all those years ago. Or that she cared enough to actually remember it. And yes, that decision I made as a 20 year old “man” has made all the difference in my beautiful life. Thank you, Mi Young.
Two women that have loved me in the past and suffered because of it continually reached out with words of encouragement and support. I’m a stubborn bastard and tend to have to learn things the hard way, but it means a lot to me that they didn’t give up on me. Even if I deserve this Karmic justice. Thank you, Eva and Maria.
And I have had many friends who read my blog tell me “Kevin Kim is right. Listen to him!” So, thanks for that as well, Kevin.
I considered spending the holiday weekend in Bangkok (it’s too soon for the Philippines right now, but I’ll be celebrating the New Year there). In the end I just didn’t have the energy to make the journey. I’m going to spend the time instead getting comfortable with my new reality.
It’s a beautiful life. Time to start the next chapter.
Well it’s all right, even if they say you’re wrong Well it’s all right, sometimes you gotta be strong Well it’s all right, As long as you got somewhere to lay Well it’s all right, everyday is Judgment Day Maybe somewhere down the road aways You’ll think of me, wonder where I am these days Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays Purple haze Well it’s all right, even if you’re old and gray Well it’s all right, you still got something to say Well it’s all right, remember to live and let live Well it’s all right, the best you can do is forgive Well it’s all right, riding around in the breeze Well it’s all right, if you live the life you please Well it’s all right, even if the sun don’t shine Well it’s all right, we’re going to the end of the line
Against the advice of the vast majority of my friends, I stayed in the fight for Loraine’s heart. She was clearly conflicted and torn between two loves. We did a three hour video chat Saturday morning, and when we finished Loraine said she wanted to share a life with me.
I was ecstatic and throughout the remainder of the day we exchanged messages about our future plans and she said several times how happy she was. I even joked about how every Saturday we were in love again but from now on every day would be Saturday. We were going to meet in Hong Kong next week to celebrate our love.
And then late last night she sent me a message. “I’m sorry, I love Kev more than you” . And then she blocked me on Facebook.
I walked right into that sucker punch again. And it hurts. But, at least now I know I did everything in my power to fight for the love I had discovered in my heart. And I lost the fight. But at least now I have closure. I wish Loraine and Kev all that they deserve in the future.
I averaged over 20,000 steps each day this week trying to calm my emotions, including a three hour trek to Pyeongtaek this morning. In the good news department I’ve now lost over 12 pounds in a week. I don’t recommend the broken heart diet plan however.
Leave it to the esteemed Kevin Kim to see right through my bullshit and slap me in the face with reality:
Well… that’s why I privately suggested someone ugly—or a guy—as your caretaker. If you truly are done with the love thing, then it shouldn’t matter to you whom you hire. If, on the other hand, you really are looking for the potential for romance, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself about that fact and include it as a possibility in whatever writeup you create for your online profile. My intuition is that, if you’re still looking for a good-looking woman to be your caretaker, you want much more than an employee. In terms of breaking the samsaric cycle, I see two ways: (1) be honest that what you’re really looking for is a life-companion who can offer you love along with support, or (2) be true to the idea that you’ve sworn off the love thing, having been hurt too many times—and really stick with that mindset. Either of these paths is better than the one that leads right back to the same pain.
I’m reminded of the hilarious foot-massage dialogue between Jules and Vincent in “Pulp Fiction”: Jules tries to argue that foot massages don’t mean anything, that they’re perfectly innocent, but Vincent traps him by asking, “Would you give a guy a foot massage?” Jules has no argument, so his response is, “Fuck you.” No matter how much we fool ourselves, foot massages mean something every time we give them.
But when I read this:
“Truth is I’m really not ready to engage emotionally with anyone until I’ve worked my way through the betrayal of Loraine.”
—I get the feeling that “emotional engagement” is indeed the thing you’re looking for. For whatever reason, you’re convinced that you can’t hack this life alone, that you need a companion, not merely an assistant. If that’s the case, then you CAN’T stipulate that your next caretaker needs to understand there’s no potential for love/romance because there obviously is. So whatever you’re looking for will not be a strictly employer-employee thing, and whichever woman you finally select will need to know that. The lady might end up being a Machiavellian gold-digger, but she still deserves honesty.
My two scents, said the skunk.
Damn. I see that I simply replaced one four letter word, “love”, with another, “care”. Bottom line is I do want to be loved and cared for. To have that, I’m going to have to risk feeling this way again in the future. Is it worth it? I don’t know yet.
Ah. Bored today at lunch so I found a facebook group called foreigners looking for a Filipina. What the hell, why not? So I posted this:
My Filipina just broke my heart. Time for me to move on. I will be retiring to the PI in May 2018 (Olongapo area). Hope to meet someone who wants to take care of me and I will take care of her. Loyalty and honesty are my primary requirements. Anyone interested?
Might have been a mistake. So far I have 477 “likes” on that post, half as many comments, and over 100 friend requests. A little scary and reeking of desperation. Probably should have just stuck to the dating websites. I’m not about to “friend” a bunch of random strangers on FB. Still, who knew I could be so popular?
Another day in the process of moving forward. Truth is I’m really not ready to engage emotionally with anyone until I’ve worked my way through the betrayal of Loraine. It’s going to take some time I think. Who can you trust?
I don’t know how I’ll get her off my mind – but give me time I’ll think of something I can’t say today that I’m all right – but by tonight I’ll think of something I’ll find so many things to do that I wont have the time to think of her And then if she’s still on my mind I’ll try to drink enough to drown the hurt And if that don’t work I’ll think of something
This will be the final post in the series about the fuck over I received from Loraine. Yesterday I once again expressed to her all that I felt for her, told her again that she had made the wrong choice, and gave her a final opportunity to change her mind. Now or never I said. By her lack of response, she chose never. I gave her that chance because I didn’t want there to be any doubt about how I felt and where the blame lies. I’ve blocked her on messenger and no longer care to hear whatever she may have to say about us. And I certainly don’t want to hear her painful entreaties when Kev proves to be the liar I believe him to me. Heh, they deserve each other in that regard.
It has been a gut-wrenching past few days. Haven’t completely got my mind around it yet, but I hope I’m grasping the lessons this whole sad affair was meant to teach me. And it has been amazing to see all the people who have reached out to me with heart felt advice and support. It really helped me get my mind right and gain some perspective.
Perhaps most impressive was hearing from two Filipina women who have loved me in the past. I am so thankful that despite the pain I caused them, they still care about me. I count them among the small handful of friends I maintain in this life. Here is some of their advice:
Its like you are giving her the power of prolonging the agony if you remember her. Choose to be in control and avoid entertaining memories.
There are many who will gladly accept the pay you gave Loraine. Maybe the next one will be loyal.
Choose to be tough There it is. An opportunity.
Its not really the person that will make it hard to move on, its more of the memories and the plans you had in the future with her that makes it harder.
John if she had loved you she can not do this to you…she can not hurt you…but she thought she would better with other man then she had to know it…you are a wonderful person and you deserve good things in life…you will be ok…I know that…and this is not a thing u should be devastated about..Goodluck again.. I pray for your welfare.
I’m also going to post some of the advice I got on the Philippines forum when I posted my sad tale there. I really just want to have all this wisdom in one place where I can refer to it as necessary.
John, that’s a sorry tale but you need to suck it up and move on. Indeed she had a better offer and had to grab it when the opportunity presented itself. Kev was probably in a more desperate state than yourself so again had to pounce or chance losing out. With this experience now behind you there’s every chance you’ll move onto bigger and better things. There’s plenty of good girls in the Pines that are exactly what you are looking for so don’t be discouraged. Get back out there and let love take care of itself.
It also shows you her resolve was shaky at best which is a good thing. Maybe in due time, the shine of the golden promises of her newfound lover will slowly reveal its leaded core, and she will be crying back to you again. I would just bite the bullet, delete all contacts, ignore and move on…. That would be the fastest way to get over her. But easier said than done, most of of us would probably be in same shoes. Why not look for a younger model, at most 30-40 yo, that’s what I would do.
I would give shit to a promise of a guy she knows since short to marry her and to take her to the UK. Must be either a looser or someone just getting into her panties with empty promises. Move on mate. Shes in for the money only.
Followed your story with interest, brother–and while I feel for you, can’t say I’m too surprised by the outcome. I’m experiencing this deep truth on a daily basis myself: things rarely turn out as planned with Filipinas. In their struggle for survival–and generating support for their offspring and family–whatever loyalty they feel to some foreigner readily tends to switch over to a higher bidder. Actually you got off easy, brother–after giving in to a classic piece of emotional blackmail. It’s Kev I’m worried about! Once the new-relationship energy between Kev and this mature has dissipated–and once Kev’s triumph over winning her over against stiff competition has worn off–the true cost of his extravagant promises is likely to hit home, and the whole marriage-and-adoption scheme will fall apart. Totally predictable what will happen at this point: she’ll come crawling back to you, beg for forgiveness, and swear everlasting devotion–while, of course, keeping up her search for someone more optimal on dating sites. The only question I have: will you take her back?
The next girl you crush on could be anything. Maybe prettier. Or funnier. Or sweeter. Or whatever you like. It’s a world of possibility and acceptance isn’t about making excuses for her. It isn’t about trying to understand her so that you can understand, and gain control over, the future relationship. Acceptance is about accepting that this is how life is and embracing the positive aspect of it, which is that you have a beautiful adventure ahead of you, starting today.
The assumption here that Kev is gonna follow through with his promises. Knowing how that works, it is less than 50/50. I am worried about John actually getting back with Lorraine after Kev ditches her under some false pretext. What do these girls know that we don’t know or refuse to understand. They know we are vulnerable after a certain age and we long for company which we don’t get in places where we live. Once they know you are hooked on, you are done. I am glad that John escaped relatively unscathed. ***
She was playing you. If it were true love, she never would have allowed this Kev guy into her life. It is actually worse than that. She actively searched for Kev. Count yourself lucky. Now, go get yourself a younger model. ***
And finally, this from commenter Kevin Kim on my previous post:
The Hindu concept of life is that it’s a painful wheel of existence called samsara.We’re chained to this repetitive, revolving wheel through our actions (karma). The object of the game is to gain enough wisdom about the nature of things so as to escape an eternity of repeating the wheel of life-events, again and again, all thanks to our accidental or deliberate unwisdom. Good luck as you examine deep causes and do your best to find liberation from the wheel (moksha) and bliss in your life (ananda). Every day is a new chance to walk a different path!
I will walk a new path. Hopefully it will not lead me to more stupidity.
(with apologies to Neil Young)
You’re just a stupid man You really got a lot to learn To start living again Forget about remembering You’re such a stupid man.
You’re such a beautiful fish Floppin’ on the summer sand Lookin’ for the wave you missed When another one is close at hand You’re such a stupid man